The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 218: Holloway vs. Aldo 2!

Unable to check out tonight's PPV, for whatever stupid ass reason? No problem, homie - our LIVE(ish) play-by-play coverage will keep you in the loop ALL NIGHT LONG.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Yep, it's another UFC Pay-Per-View spectacular, and top to bottom - on the main card, at least - it's looking to be a good one. Aye, there isn't a shabby looking match-up on the lineup, and the odds that we'll get one or two highlight worthy finishes (and mayhap even a fight of the year contender) seems quite a bit higher than your average old UFC show nowadays.

That said, I ain't gonna' bore you with the basics. By now, you should ALL know the score. See, what I do is I run a LIVESTREAM (of thought) commentary throughout the PPV, so if you're one of those people who ...

a.) can't afford to order the PPV because of child support payments eat up all your otherwise disposable income;

b.) are too poor to own a computer capable of displaying live streams (legal, or otherwise); or

c.) just like reading some smartass comments while people without company-provided health care plans beat each other into instant brain trauma

... well, golly gee, I've got you covered like gravy on mashed potatoes. As always, our patented LIVE(ish) play-by-play coverage begins at 10 p.m. EASTERN, and be sure to hit that refresh button early and often, since we'll be giving you updates in between every round of action. So what are you waiting for? Go on ahead and bookmark this shit and let your fightin' buddies on the social media know about our free, complimentary service - hell, they might think so much of you, you might get a blow job afterwards.

Well, whatever happens tonight, it probably won't be as awesome as that Yancy Medeiros/Alex Oliveira fight that just happened. With this and last night's Nicco Montano/Roxanne Modafferi barn burner, the UFC might have just posted the No. 1 and No. 2 FOTY candidates in back-to-back nights.

By the way, we're coming to you LIVE from Detroit, Mich., where the economy is about 80 percent dependent on street crime. Also, the name of the venue - which replaced the Joe as the Red Wings' home ice - is called Little Caesars Arena. Here's hoping the Detroit Lions' successor is called the Domino's Dome - or, at the very least, Pizza Hut Stadium (or, as the kids would call it, simply "The Hut.")

Hey, you know how when you walk into a room and there's a high definition screen on, but because of the angle you can only see the basic structure of what's on the screen and none of the distinct details? Well, I just got in from walking the dog and from afar, this UFC show looks just like gay porn. I mean, not that I've ever seen gay porn before. Because I'm straight. And straight people don't watch gay porn. Because they're straight, you see.

Anyhoo, I might be a little late covering the show, 'cause I've got to pick up my GF real quick. See, only straight people have GFs. So stop with the baseless allegations and accusations, will 'ya?

Lastly, it's a big night for sports in general, what, with the college football conference championship games and Miguel Cotto's retirement fight also on the docket. As always, I'll be keeping you abreast of what's happening in the Ohio State/Wisconsin and Clemson/Miami games, and hell, maybe even the FCS tournament, while I'm at it. Hey, how about Kennesaw State upsetting Jacksonville State in their own house, you motherfuckers?

OK, one final observation: Rashad Evans is the whitest-sounding black man in history.

Our hosts are Jon Anik and Joe Rogan. There's usually a third person in the booth, but I guess they just prefer to tag team it old-school in Detroit-Town. Also, not that it's a surprise to anybody, but Rogan looks high as a motherfucker.

Women's Flyweight Bout

Tecia Torres (9-1-0-0) vs. Michelle Waterson (14-5-0-0)

Torres - whose only professional loss to date is against Rose Namajunas - is on a two-fight tear, with recent wins over Juliana Lima and Bec Rawlings. Meanwhile, Michelle "The Karate Hottie" Waterson is looking to rebound from an April loss against the aforementioned Namajunas; considering how thinly spread all of the women's divisions are in the UFC at the moment, it's probably safe to assume the victor of this one will be well positioned for a title shot of some kind.

Huh, I didn't know Tecia Torres was engaged to Raquel Pennington. She totally doesn't look like the clam digger type to me at all (that's called sarcasm, folks.) Waterson's wearing a T-shirt. She gets a takedown and she has both hooks in. Torres escapes, but Waterson is keeping her pressed against the cage. Torres with a flurry, but not a whole lot is landing. LOL at the fans repeatedly making Ric Flair "woo" noises. Now Torres has Waterson crushed against the cage. Waterson with a ton of knees and elbows in the clinch. Waterson lands a knee and Torres presses her against the cage again. Waterson flubs on a side kick. Torres ends the round with a bevy of hard shots right before the bell.

Round two. Torres with some good shots early. Joe Rogan keeps going on and on about how impressed he is she was able to fight professionally while studying for her master's. Waterson with a great takedown, and now Michelle is working for the full mount. Waterson is jockeying for position from the half guard. Torres trying for a kimura. She loses it. Now Waterson is taking a nap on Torres' titties. Torres going for a triangle. And she switches to an armbar. A really, really shitty armbar. Torres shoots for a takedown in the final seconds, but she can't stick it.

Round three. Torres with a head kick, but only like, one toe connected. Waterson with a big right hand. Torres fires back with a decent right of her own. Waterson's left eye is swollen. Waterson spamming the overhand rights now. Torres with a great one-two combo. Waterson flops down and lands an upkick. Torres has Waterson's back. Waterson is flattened out with about a minute left. Torres landing a ton of shots now. Waterson survives, and they exchange brief punches right at the bell.

30-27 and two 29-28s to give "The Tiny Tornado" Tecia Torres the unanimous decision victory.

This is literally a Chun Li game over screen from Street Fighter II in real life.

Cody Garbrandt is in the house. And so is former Red Wings defender Darren McCarty - a.k.a., one of the greatest goons in hockey history, in case you weren't in the loop.

The new UFC game looks realistic. In fact, it's so realistic that Jon Jones remains unplayable because he keeps failing virtual drug tests.

Lightweight Bout

Eddie Alvarez (28-5-0-1) vs. Justin Gathje (18-0-0-0)

Alvarez has one win, one loss and one NC in his last three outings - a knockout against Rafael dos Anjos, a knockout loss against Conor McGregor and a technical DQ for kneeing Dustin Poirier upside the head while he was on all fours. It won't be easy getting back in the win column, though, seeing as how his opponent tonight is the undefeated World Series of Fighting alum Justin Gathje, whose UFC debut win against Michael Johnson in July is pretty much the presumptive frontrunner for 2017's fight of the year. That said, considering the explosive pedigrees of both these competitors, we might just have ourselves a new FOTY candidate before the night is over with.

Joe Rogan is creaming his pants in anticipation of this fight. Justin with leg kicks early. Alvarez lands an uppercut. Justin with more leg kicks. Loud "Eddie" chants.  Justin slips and Eddie pantomimes kneeing him in the head. Alvarez with a flurry of body shots, but those kicks have his legs buckling already. Justin with another hard leg kick. Alvarez with a takedown, but Justin rolls right back up. Eddie working the body shots. Justin is bleeding from his nose. Alvarez tags him with a left hook. More body shots from Alvarez. Alvarez goes for a tumbleweed leg drop with just seconds left in the round. And Justin doesn't have enough time to land any free shots.

Round two. Eddie opens with some leg kicks. Alvarez landing a ton of body shots. Justin loads up on the leg kick. Eddie with a good right. Justin tags him with a one-two. Now these two are just wailing on each other with sledgehammer shots. Alvarez with a knee to the body. Eddie's chest is neon red from all those body shots. Alvarez pops him with a left hook. Alvarez's face is swollen as fuck. Justin slips at the end, does a full 360 flip and gets kneed right in the jaw as soon as he pops back up. And there's the bell.

Round three. Both guys look like somebody set their faces on fire and tried to put it out with a fork. Justin with vicious leg kicks and Eddie keeps spamming the body blows. Eddie tries to pull guard and Justin lets him get up. Justin whiffs on a head kick. Eddie with a knee to the body. Justin ducks the spinning elbow. We have a brief sprawl on the mat and both men are standing again. Justin carving Eddie alive with leg kicks. Justin with back to back uppercuts. AND ALVAREZ DROPS JUSTIN WITH JUST A MINUTE LEFT IN THE FIGHT! A standing knee put Gathje flat on his back. And two or three shots on the ground finished it.

The official time is 3:50 of the third round. In the post-fight, Alvarez sounds like he swallowed his top row of teeth. He also says he's proud to be the UFC's "king of violence," which is totally a career path my high school guidance counselor never told me about.

"Hey, Justin, come here a minute. There's something I want to PATELLA!"

Demetrious Johnson gets a so-so reaction from the crowd. And everybody boos Tyron Woodley like a motherfucker, just like they should.

Flyweight Bout

Henry Cejudo (11-2-0-0) vs. Sergio Pettis (16-2-0-0)

Henry Cejudo absolutely DESTROYED Wilson Reis at UFC 215, and if he musters a victory tonight, he's pretty much a lock for a rematch against Demetrious Johnson in early 2018. That said, the same holds true for his adversary, Sergio Pettis, who has an opportunity to extend his winning streak to five in a row - and, in the process, secure himself a title bout against Mighty Mouse over the next couple of months.

Cejudo using a wide-legged karate stance. Anik talks about Cejudo burning his foot and losing his Olympic gold medals in a wildfire earlier this year. Cejudo gets a takedown and he's in side control. Now he has his back. Cejudo throwing some knees. Sergio isn't letting him sneak those hooks in, though. Now Cejudo is almost in the full guard. Cejudo leads Pettis on strikes landed, 22-6. Cejudo hammer fists and knees the fuck out of Pettis as the bell sounds.

Round two. Pettis with a high kick. And another good body kick. Pettis slips and Cejudo hops on him. He's in the full guard. But he's not doing much. Pettis trying for a body triangle. Pettis slaps Cejudo with his heels. Cejudo spins out and grabs Pettis' back. Pettis is back to his feet, but Cejudo has him tied up with a waistlock. And we've got separation with thirty seconds left. Pettis whiffs on a roundhouse kick and that'll do it for the second.

Round three. Both men swinging for the fences early. Cejudo lands a single leg takedown - no, I mean he literally grabbed Pettis by the knee, yanked him five feet in the air and threw him to the canvas. Cejudo's in side control. Now he's going for a choke from the north-south position, it appears. Cejudo hops right back into the full guard. LOL at Joe Rogan doing play by play for a fight in the audience that sounds way more exciting than the fight in the Octagon. Alright, back in the cage, Pettis and Cejudo are circling one another. Pettis plays it absurdly safe - he rattles of no shots that connect and to add insult to injury, Cejudo punctuates the round by hitting him with a facile head kick.

It's 30-27 across the board to give Cejudo the unanimous decision win. But the fight was so boring they don't let him have a post-fight interview.

Hey, remember when we were all excited for this match? Man, we were all dumb as hell.

Time to listen to Daniel Cormier give us the rundown on tonight's co-main event. OK, you know when I said earlier Rashad Evans is the whitest sounding black dude on planet Earth? I take it back - Overeem sounds like his name should be Blake or something.

Heavyweight Bout

Alistair Overeem (43-15-0-1) vs. Francis Ngannou (10-1-0-0)

With wins over Fabricio Werdum and Mark Hunt in his last two outings, reason would dictate that Overeem would be the presumptive no. 1 contender for Stipe Miocic's belt if defeats Francis Nagannou this evening. That's a pretty tall task, though, seeing as how the Cameroonian is 5-0 in the UFC (all finishes, no less) - not to mention the fact he LEGIT has the strongest punch in recorded human history. Either way, I seriously doubt we're gonna' end up with more than one person exiting this bout with their consciousness intact; don't blink, folks, something tells me some heads might figuratively and literally roll in this one.

And the final score in the ACC Championship is in - Clemson beat Miami 38-3. Joe Rogan calls Overeem a former K-1 "Grand Pwee" champion. Yep, that nigga' is high as hell right now. Overeem literally RUNS at Francis with a left hook to begin the fight. Overeem with a clinch early. Francis stomps Overeem's feet like he was Marcos Ruas or something. The ref pulls them apart. AND FRANCIS TURNS OVEREEM'S LIGHTS OUT WITH ONE PUNCH! Ngannou landed a left hook from hell and followed it up with one punch on the ground, but Overeem was already knocked the fuck out.

The official time is 1:42 of the very first round. Joe Rogan tells Francis he's getting a title shot next. Francis thanks Overeem for giving him the highlight reel knockout, his coaches, his family, and his brothers in Libya who are literally slaves. "Fuck slavery," he says. "Fuck racism."

Too bad you can't read the bottom of the flag and the part that says "...just got his brains knocked out his asshole."

Hey, aren't you excited for that new Will Smith movie on Netflix? Well - me neither, actually.

UFC Featherweight Championship Bout

Max Holloway (18-3-0-0) vs. Jose Aldo 26-3-0-0)

Well, this was going to be Max Holloway vs. Frank Edgar, but the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry. As a plan B, we're getting a re-do of the UFC 212 main event, in which the defending champ seeks to extend his winning streak to 12 in a row. Conversely, Aldo - who is 1-2 in his last three bouts - would love to avenge his loss from July, and - much more importantly - put that belt snug around his waist once more. So what will it be, folks: second verse, same as the first, or will Jose flip the script and make Max's title reign a relatively short-lived one? Eh, that's why we fight fights in the cage, not on paper ...

And the final score of the Big 10 game is in - Ohio State outlasted Wisconsin for the 27-21 victory. So, I assume that makes it Clemson vs. Alabama and Oklahoma vs. Georgia in the National Playoffs, right?

Aldo comes out to Mariachi music with what sounds like a banjo in it. Shit, now I want some corn chips and salsa. Oh, and Sadam Ali just outpointed Miguel Cotto in his final fight, so you don't have to worry about that trifling shit no more. An aside, but a lot of the UFC security staff are fat as fuck. I mean, you'd think the guys would be a little bit more built, but you'd be wrong.

Anybody else think Holloway looks like an anorexic version of the evil pimp in Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield" music video? Holloway chasing Aldo down. Aldo connects with a good one-two combo. Then he lands a leg kick. Holloway literally bitch slaps Aldo, and Aldo fires back with a leg kick. Aldo swinging like crazy, but he just can't hit Holloway. Holloway lands a head kick, but he doesn't get all of it. Now the fans are chanting "Let's Go Red Wings," because Detroit fans really are the goddamn worst. And Aldo lands a HUGE uppercut right at the bell.

Round two. Aldo lands a hard leg kick. He follows suit with a good one-two combo. Some dude in the audience yells "kick his ass, Sea-bass." Holloway pushes forward with two quick jabs. Aldo with two more hard leg kicks. Aldo clinches and he tosses Holloway to the mat. Holloway catches Aldo's leg. There's a brief clinch against the cage and Holloway lands a spinning kick to the liver and two solid jabs. He ends the round with a quick flurry, including a nice knee to the skull at the bell.

Round three. Aldo hits a leg kick. Aldo with a quick jab, Holloway with a jumping knee to the sternum. We get a GLORIOUS striking exchange with each men eating a billion punches but neither of them selling the shots. Holloway connects with a head kick. We've got another AWESOME slug fest. Aldo is gassed as fuck and he's bleeding buckets. Aldo shoots for a takedown and Holloway gets in the full mount. He has Aldo's back and he's elbowing the fuck out of him. Holloway hops back in the full mount. He UNLOADS on Aldo's bloody face and the ref says "that's it, this fight is over."

The official time is 4:51 of round three. Man, Holloway had a brilliant strategy - he goaded Aldo into a brawl, let him tire himself out and swarmed his ass late in the round. In the post-fight, Holloway holds his son, who's carrying a can of Monster and doesn't look anything like his daddy. Holloway says something about Brazil and Hawaii having a surfing rivalry and refers to the rest of division as "cupcakes," which is pretty fortuitous because he truly "loves cupcakes."

Yeah, he's the greatest of all-time, alright ... at getting his ass kicked.

Well, that was an entertaining show. I'll be back first thing in the morning with some more cogent thoughts on the PPV. But for now? Get your ass some sleep, son!

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Yeah, Max Holloway vs. Frank Edgar needs to happen as soon as possible - considering what they've accomplished in their previous outings, that very well could be the fightiest fight of all-time. As for Jose Aldo's next fight, how about giving him the winner of the upcoming Brian Ortega vs. Cub Swanson contest? Francis Ngannou is pretty much a lock to be the next challenger for Stipe Miocic's Heavyweight Championship, and for Alistair Overeem's next challenger, how about penciling him in for a showdown with Derrick Lewis? Despite his victory being anything but thrilling, Henry Cejudo is far and away the best option for Demetrious Johnson's next challenger, and yep, I reckon it's go time for a third Tecia Torres vs. Rose Namajunas bout - this time, with some championship gold on the line. And lastly, I think it's only fitting that Eddie Alvarez go toe-to-toe with the winner of the upcoming Khabib Nurmagomedov vs. Edson Barboza shindig, while Justin Gathje looks to hop back on the win wagon with an undercard clash against either Kevin Lee or Dustin Poirier.

THE VERDICT: That was a hell of a show, maybe just a notch or two shy of being as good as UFC 217. You had three thrilling fights in Holloway/Aldo, Gathje/Alvarez and Medieros/Oliviera (with the latter being a potential Fight of the Year winner), plus we got to see Ngannou land a fucking all-time highlight reel knockout - and since it landed on Alistair Overeem, that made it 20 times better. Hell, even the fans constantly "wooing" and Joe Rogan being visibly high as a mother fucker and calling shit "gwond prees" couldn't damper the fun on this one - this was a tremendous PPV, and I pity the fool who didn't get a chance to watch it live.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: On the undercard, ALL of Medeiros/Oliveira and on the main card, the respective third rounds of the Aldo/Holloway and Gathje/Alvarez bouts. Though Ngannou's knockout is shit we're going to be talking about for years, too.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: The Cejudo/Pettis bout was as much fun as watching slugs sleep.

ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: "There are a lot of Ric Flair fans here tonight" - Joe on the crowd's predilection for chanting "woo" at every conceivable opportunity.

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW:

• There's no point in wearing a tee-shirt to a fist fight against a corn-rowed lesbian.
• A million billion body shots > a million billion leg kicks.
• If you want a title shot against Demetrious Johnson, wrestlefucking your opponent for 15 minutes isn't really the best method to guarantee it.
• If you're in a fight with the man with the hardest punch ever recorded in human history, it's probably a good idea to not let him punch you in the face.
• The best way to win a fight is to let your opponent throw 45,000 punches over the course of ten seconds, then murder-death-kill him when he's trying to catch his breath.

Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "Shield Your Eyes" by Jawbreaker and "I'm A Rock 'n Roll Nigger" by Anti-Heroes and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few.

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CD Review - 'Reputation' by Taylor Swift (2017)

The year's most anticipated album just dropped, but does Tay Tay's latest live up to all of the heavily hyped hullabaloo? 

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

A couple of months back I got an email from some broad that works for some shitty clickbait website nobody's ever heard of before asking for an interview about this Taylor Swift article I wrote. What she didn't know that I knew because I have a good eye for analytics is that she found out about the article by literally typing "Taylor Swift" in the Gab.Ai search box and clicking on the first link she encountered. The evidence of this is apparent in the screen shot below:

So naturally, I get a whole bunch of questions about why the alt-right thinks Taylor Swift is a Nazi and I responded by telling her ... well, you know what, I'm just going to publish our entire Internet communique for you, because it's that guldarn entertaining:

And if you can't read that, tough titties. I'm sure if you hit the zoom button up top enough you'll be able to, or even better, you can read this thing on an iPad and just stretch the thing out and read it in one fell swoop. The point is, there's a lot of people out there who have convinced themselves that Taylor Swift is some sort of undercover Republican and they'll do anything to smear her good name in the public eye.

I've already written about this once before. Long story short, a whole buncha' pissy liberal women are irked at Taylor for being a.) white, b.) prettier than them and c.) one of the few - if only - mainstream musical acts that ISN'T caught up in a vortex of endless virtue signalling on behalf of Democratic policy points. And since modern liberals are devoid of a sense of humor or the ability to pick up on even the slightest twinges of irony or sarcasm, when they hear people like Andrew Anglin celebrating Taylor Swift as some sort of subterfuge neo-Nazi princess, they think it's 100 percent legit. 

Let me tell you knuckleheads something. When alt-right trolls keep posting macros of Taylor Swift with Hitler quotes, what they're doing is satire. They're co-opting the most popular mainstream act of the day and branding their own message to her for the LOLZ. But somehow, a whole slew of dimwitted, inherently prejudiced people out there have made the cockamamie fantasy in their head pseudo-reality. Just take a look at this meandering screed from a shitty website made by trust fund communists that accuses Tay Tay of being an "anti-Marxist" and a proponent of eugenics and a Hitler wannabe just because in her newest video she stands in front of a podium in front of a large crowd - which, as we all know, is something ONLY white supremacists have done throughout human history. So asinine that character assassination attempt that Swift sent her lawyers after the website - which, naturally, drew the ire of the ACLU and even more demands from unemployed liberal arts grads that she publicly denounce white supremacy in all its forms.

Maybe it's never dawned on all of these dunderheads that maybe, the REASON Taylor Swift is so popular in the first place is because she's APOLITICAL. Her songs about falling in love and moving on after a relationship and getting into catfights with manipulative friends is something that resonates across the political spectrum, and get this - maybe Taylor's core audience of 14- and 15 year-old girls DON'T give a flying fuck about abortion or equal pay or "the patriarchy" or any of that other shit the mainstream media keeps shoving down their throats day in, day out, and since Tay-Tay is pretty much the only major act in show business that isn't using their stage as a political pulpit every night, perhaps that endears her even more to the masses? You see, that's something I could never figure out about liberals; for people who absolutely loathe religious types (as long as they're Christian, anyway) pushing their beliefs on others, they don't see a shred of hypocrisy in the fact they're actively shoving their beliefs on everybody else at every available opportunity - and in fact DEMAND even more dogmatic devotion to their convictions than even the most annoying-ass Jehovah's Witness.

But - asides. What we're really here to talk about today is, of course, the release of Tay Tay's new album Reputation, which already has four fuckin' singles released before the CD even hit store shelves. Now, before we get into this latest release, lemme talk about me and Taylor real quick. 

Back when she was doing that country shit, I didn't give a fuck. It wasn't until "Trouble" dropped that I started to take note of her work, and the inescapable wave of 1989 single after single pretty much turned me into a "Swifty" by default. Let's be objective for just a minute: with no less than seven singles from the album, 1989 is unquestionably one of the greatest pop albums in history. And all of the tracks are diverse - "Bad Blood" sounds totally different from "Wildest Dreams," "Shake it Off" sounds nothing like "Out of the Woods," and "Welcome to New York" doesn't even sound like the same artist who made "Style." Give it about 20 or 30 years, but we WILL look back on 1989 as being a watershed, pop cultural masterpiece on par with Tapestry and Purple Rain someday. And while her music is unquestionably overproduced, fuck, what isn't nowadays? Besides, unlike most of those hit songbirds out there today, Taylor not only writes her own music but plays her own instruments. At last check, Taylor can play the guitar, the piano, the banjo and the ukelele, which is about four times as many instruments that Beyonce and Rihanna can play, as far as I'm aware. For all the shit Swift receives, nobody wants to give her credit for being a hell of a musician, and more than anything - including her much derided "Aryan good looks" - is what I reckon has driven (and continues to drive) her popularity.

Alright, time to finally focus on Reputation. From the cover alone you know the mood is about to change. Tay-tay's abandoned her trademark tomato soup red lips for some dark and dangerous black lipstick, with the album title itself inked in a font that wouldn't be out of place on the latest Obituary or Gorgoroth release. Of course, the music itself is still light and frothy bubblegum electro-pop, but this time around we just know it's going to be a darker - and more cynical? - variety of light and frothy bubblegum electro-pop. So how about we pop this sumbitch in our CD player and give the album a fine track-by-track combing, why don't we?

Well, if she didn't have a red lipstick fetish before ...

Track 1

"Ready For It?"

Surely you've heard this one a time or two before. This is one of those songs that's a feature-length double entendre. Except it's in reverse. Canonically, she's explicitly singing about having sexual fantasies, maybe even the female equivalent of a wet dream thinking about some dude she desperately wants to bone, but it also doubles as a metaphor for the singer's quasi-radical thematic and genre shifts to follow on the album. Also, as you will soon see, about half the songs on this album are positively A-plus aural material to bump uglies to, so it's nice we have that motif established from the get-go here.

Track 2

"End Game"

"I want to be your A-Team, I want to be your end game, end game," Taylor begins this heavily hip-hop flavored track that features rapper Future and Ed Sheeran, because apparently, he's still trying to hit it. And yes, Sheeran does try to rap on the track, and it's goddamn hilarious. It's pretty much a thematic and compositional carryover from the opening track, with Tay Tay lamenting her negative media image and by the third stanza she's spitting rhymes herself and it's not that bad, surprisingly. Hell, she does that white girl trying to be black shtick better than Halsey, that's for sure. It's another cryptic "eff you" to whichever ex-boyfriend who screwed her over last with plenty of in-jokes about her "red lips," but on the whole, it's probably one of the weaker songs on Reputation. Not that it's filler or anything like that, just a track that's too similar to other - and better - tracks on the album.

Track 3

"I Did Something Bad"

Oh hell, Taylor Swift CURSES on this track! "Crimson red paint on my lips, if a man talks shit then I owe him nothing." I'm pretty sure this whole thing is a great big "fuck you" to Calvin Harris, as apparent by lyrics like "he says 'don't throw away a good thing,' but if he drops my name, then I owe him nothing, and if he spends my change, the he had it coming." You know, because she wrote that one Rihanna song for him and everything? Other publications say the song also gives the business to Tom Hiddleston and the Kardashians and yeah, they're probably right. As far as diss tracks go, it's pretty solid - I mean, it ain't "No Vaseline," but it's fairly decent musical revenge nonetheless.

Track 4

"Don't Blame Me"

"My drug is my baby, I'll be using him for the rest of my life," Tay Tay sulks in this downbeat, dare I say industrial sounding anti-ballad interspersed with brief piano interludes. After three fairly energetic tracks, this is the first truly dour, depressed-sounding song on the album and it's definitely successful at setting a pissy, pessimistic attitudinal shift. Also, this song has one of my all-time favorite Taylor one-liners ever - "I once was poison ivy, but now I'm your daisy." An aside, I know, but why not cast Tay Tay as P.I. in the upcoming Gotham City Sirens movie? I mean, judging from a couple of her red carpet ensembles, she DEFINITELY looks the part.

Track 5

"Delicate"

AUTOTUNE, YOU MOTHER FUCKERS. This one is a slower, quieter, and even more downbeat song than the last track. "Dark jeans and your Nikes look at you, oh damn, never seen that color blue," she remarks around the halfway point of the track. I have no idea who that's referencing, but if you're a hardcore enough Swifty you can probably figure it out. I'd compare the track to "Wildest Dreams," except a little more morose and reserved. And yes, this song is Taylor-made (har-har) for some bedtime sojourning, if you catch my drift. And by that I mean this is a good song to fuck to. Just as long as it's consensual.

Track 6

"Look What You Made Me Do"

I've already dissected this one a while back, so I ain't going to retrudge the same old ground here. All in all this is a TREMENDOUS song, probably one of the best pure pop releases of the 2010s. Yes, it's overproduced as fuck but it's still insanely catchy and one of the few modern day radio staples that doesn't get stale after ten hearings. And I STILL say Taylor didn't "borrow" the chorus from Right Said Fred - anybody with a working set of cochleas KNOWS this song's trademark refrain is indeed swiped from 2 Live Crew's immortal "Me So Horny."

Track 7

"So It Goes ..."

This one has a long, winding intro just like "Wildest Dreams" and it's definitely one of the better tracks on the album. Here, she recounts meeting some random dude and having instant guilt over her attraction to him. "You know I'm not a bad girl, but I do bad things with you," she laments, displaying an almost Catholic sense of sexual moral culpability. There's even some semi Fifty Shades shit going on towards the end, where she starts talking about wearing black and clawing her metaphorical lover's back (fuck, I can't wait to see that video!) The chorus is especially well structured, with even more lyrics about her lipstick (for which Tay Tay ruminates over the same way Sir Mix-A-Lot ruminates over large asses.) Shit, why this girl hasn't garnered a Kylie Jenner-like cosmetics contract by now, I just can't figure out. 

Track 8

"Gorgeous"

Now this track is just '80s as fuck and I love it. Somewhere between bubblegum pop and synth-laden power pop lies this track, which features perhaps Taylor's best overall vocal performance on the whole album. It's kinda like Pat Benatar singing a Matthew Sweet penned love song, or Paramore trying to wheel their way through a Raspberries track. It's probably the most 1989-like song on the CD, but that's far from being a negative. Hey - more of the same is never a bad thing when that "same" is already pretty fuckin' ace, is it?

Oh, what I wouldn't give to be her co-star in Nekromantik 3 ...

Track 9

"Getaway Car"

We have got to find a name for that really downbeat, wobbly, lite synth beat that underlies virtually every song on this album. Uh, Swiftwave, maybe? Anyhoo, this is another of those "doomed romance" odes, as evident by the oh so blunt title. "We were jet-set Bonnie and Clyde, oh oh, until I switched to the other side," she remarks, "it's no surprise I turned you in, oh oh, 'cause us traitors never win." It kinda' reminds me of "Into the Woods," but a little bit lighter and just slightly frothier. An alright song, I guess, but it's nothing transcendent or anything like that.

Track 10

"King of My Heart"

Fuck, I am loving that synth that's driving most of the tracks on this album. Well, if you're looking for vocal dynamism, this song offers a pretty good mixture of hushed singing, quick spurt shouts, deadpan dips and waves, quasi-serious white girl rap and - yep, you guessed it - an auto-tune assisted chorus. With lyrics like "so prove to me I'm your American queen and you move to me like I'm a Motown beat" and "up on the roof with a school girl crush, drinking beer out of plastic cups," it almost sounds like a Lorde track - if Lorde was a robot. By now, I think a bad break-up can be chalked up as the core theme of the album, not Taylor's one-woman war against the media (which, I believe is what most people were expecting, if not outright wanting.) Needless to say - there's going to be a lot of fat girls crying over this album in the near future, for a multitude of reasons.

Track 11

"Dancing With Our Hands Tied"

This is the best song Lana Del Rey could never make. It's fast, but downbeat, frenzied but whispy, anxious but emotionally subdued, and sentimental but not exactly optimistic. It almost reminds me of a combination of The Veronica's "Untouched" and "Bruce Springsteen's "I'm on Fire" - two really unlikely tastes that apparently taste way better together than expected. Take out the electronic snare drums over the chorus and some of the autotune and this song wouldn't sound out of place on the soundtrack of a 1980s John Hughes movie. That, and it has some of the best lyrics on the whole album. "I'm a mess, but I'm the mess that you wanted," Tay Tay croons, "oh, 'cause it's gravity keeping you with me." Hey, isn't "Gravity" also the name of a John Mayer song? I mean, not that the two are related or anything like that, assuredly ...

Track 12

"Dress"

I can already tell you this is Taylor's 25 - a more low-key, more depressed (or is that simply less emotional?) paean to the pains of growing up and growing past failed relationships. "I don't want you like a best friend," she lilts, "Only bought this dress so you take it off, take it off, carve your name into my bedpost." And there's even these two parts where she kinda sorta pantomimes having an orgasm, and it WILL give you a chubby wubby. Another nice, breathy song for you and your other of significant other to have melancholic sex to, which, I am sure we can all agree, is the absolute best kind of sex any of us will ever have.

Track 13

"This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things"

The track starts off with air raid sirens, which has to be a first for a Tay Tay song. And yes, I know the title is an allusion to The Simpsons, but Taylor never really struck me as much of a Simpsons fan, but she did write the song (and every other song on the album, for that matter) so who knows. This track is pretty much the bookend to "Look What You Made Me Do," complete with Taylor breaking the fourth wall and bursting out laughing while phoning in a syrupy non-apology to whoever pissed her off so much (Kanye, I'm looking at your crazy ass.)  After a deluge of downbeat pseudo-ballads, this almost antagonistically playful, semi-cryptic "diss" track is a welcome change of pace; and oddly enough, the chorus sounds a lot like the part in Avril Lavigne's "Complicated" at the end where she's saying like 20 lines of lyrics really fast, which is something I don't reckon any of us expected. 

Track 14

"Call It What You Want"

Another downbeat song that kinda' combines the album's two most prominent themes - redemption from bad romances and bad blood with other celebrities - into a singularity. "All the flowers grew back as thorns," she says, "but he built a fire just to keep me warm." So, uh, who is she talking about here? That Joe Alwyn guy? Regardless, this is one of the simpler songs on that album, with a beat that remains relatively staid throughout. And it's a great bridge to the album's concluding track, which is probably one of the most haunting CD enders since "Butterfly" on Weezer's Pinkerton. Hey, speaking of which ...

Track 15

"New Year's Day"

And we wrap up the album with a stripped-down, scaled-back, piano-driven ballad. I hesitate to call it Tay-Tay's "Piano Man," since it's a.) nowhere near as grandiloquently verbose and b.) nowhere near as needlessly overlong, but I guess they are compositionally (and thematically, I suppose) similar. In a career littered with syrupy and schmaltzy love songs, this might be Swift's most bittersweet to date. "I want your midnights," she lilts, " but I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day." It's a song about longing, I take it, but it's a more adult kind of longing she's talking about here - not that hyper-dramatic teenager shit we're used to hearing from her and her contemporaries. The singer is sad about the circumstances of her relationship, but it's even sadder because she's realized and accepted there's nothing she can do about it and just has to live with it because, well, that's life, and just like New Year's Day itself, life goes on regardless. On an album produced to the moon and back, I really couldn't think of a better way to close the record - one girl, one piano and one mature broken heart, turning in a testament to disappointment and taking it on the chin like a real woman. This, my friends, is the "new" Taylor she's been going on and on about for months now; a singer-songwriter with legitimate musical chops who's more James Taylor than Beyonce. And just like a great movie that leaves the door wide open for a sequel, this is the perfect way to segue to her next album, and her next reinvented self. And, I for one, am on the edge of my seat seeing where that leads us.

Don't worry, Tay Tay. Your album is WAY better than Katy Perry's latest.

Alright, time to sum it all up. On the first listen I can't declare it an objectively better album than 1989, which I thought had better songs overall and greater aural diversity. A lot of the tracks on this album seem to be trudging the same territory over and over again and to be frank, a lot of times the beats on the tracks feel like they are practically interchangeable. Another - well, maybe not a problem, per se, but an oddity, I guess - is how the overall flow of the CD dips and raises from track to track. Like, you'll have three or four kinda' downbeat songs in a row and then one really energetic, tongue-in-cheek one and it really muddles with the emotional flow of the album. Maybe it would've been better if Taylor front loaded the album with the more upbeat stuff and then hit us with about seven or eight sadder, slower songs in a row, but eh - I guess songs like this are supposed to be taken a'la carte, so I reckon that isn't too likely to bug anybody else.

As far as the thematic content, it's pretty much a two-trick pony; you've got the songs lamenting Taylor's impressively long streak of doomed romances (whose tones range from slightly bubbly and effervescent to downright maudlin) and tracks in which Taylor gives her detractors what-fer. That double-fisted approach doesn't exactly produce the smoothest synthesis, though, and you kinda have to wonder if the overall album would've been better had she stuck to just one of those overarching thematics (or maybe even split them into a double album.) That said, with the final four songs on Reputation you do get something of a thematic merger and conclusion with the lovelorn "Dress" melding into the payback's a bitch, motherfuckerness of "This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things" to the optimistic recovery of "Call It What You Want" to the half happy, half devastated self-prediction of "New Year's Day." So yeah, like any other album, it's going to take a couple of listen-throughs before you can give it a fair assessment, but on that preliminary hearing, I'd say it's a MINOR step down from 1989. So if her last album was Purple Rain, this is probably going to be remembered as Taylor's Around the World in a Day. Which, considering the structure and thematic similarities of the two, might just be the single greatest comparison I've never really intended to make, so, uh, go me, I guess?

Still, Reputation is some good shit, and I'd feel confident giving it something like an 8 out of 10. It's probably not good enough to make my annual top ten best albums countdown (sorry Tay Tay, but as good as you are you ain't puttin' out better material than Matthew Sweet, Mark Lanegan, Round Eye or John motherfuckin' Carpenter) but it's certainly worthy of an honorable mention. In all you've got probably six or seven really, really good songs - including "New Year's Day," which might just be the best song Taylor's ever released - about four or five that or just kinda' alright and maybe two or three that are fairly unremarkable. But to her credit, there are no bad tracks on the CD, which is something you can't really say about MOST mainstream pop releases these days.

So that's that, kids. Taylor's heavily hyped album is out, and while it's not as great as all of the buildup would lead you to believe, it's still a very good, WAY above average for its genre (and especially timeframe) release. The only question now is which direction Tay Tay will take for album number seven. Hmm - is she on the verge of crafting her Darkness on the Edge of Town? Hold onto your hats, ladies and gents ... something tells me Swift's next CD is going to REALLY blow us out of the water.

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The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 217: Bisping vs.St-Pierre!

Unable to check out tonight's huge UFC PPV spectacular, for whatever stupid-ass reason? No worries, folks - our LIVE play-by-play coverage will keep you in the loop all night long.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

Well, this go-at-it, the luster of holding a UFC show in Madison Square Garden ain't quite as bright as it was this time last year. Some might pin that on the fact Conor McGregor ain't involved in the night's festivities, but I'd argue to the contrary; I mean, after fuckin' Bellator's held a PPV in MSG, just how special of a venue can it be, anyway?

Still, tonight's scrap ought to be one for the history books, regardless. Why? 'Cause it's the big comeback fight for Georges St-Pierre, who's been sidelined since late 2013 for reasons that remain unclear to this very day (although knowing what we know about the guy, an alien abduction can't really be ruled out at this point.) And tonight' he'll be moving up 15 pounds to middleweight to go toe-to-toe with Michael Bisping for the company's vaunted 185-pound championship belt. I would like to say it's a dream match come true, but yeah ... this definitely ain't the middleweight scrap we always wanted to see GSP in back in the day. 

Beyond that, we've got a pretty good PPV undercard and a surprisingly deep FS1 sampler platter. We've got both the men's bantamweight belts and the women's strawweight titles up for grabs, plus we've got a veritable who's who of somewhat noteworthy midcarders duking it out, like Stephen Thompson, Johny Hendricks, Ovince Saint Preux and, uh, Mark Godbeer? OK, so the rest of the show outside of the top three matches ain't exactly a star-studded affair, but still - we ought to expect at least one or two competitive fights, and possibly a couple of highlight reel worthy finishes.

What's that, dear reader? You can't order the PPV tonight because you're too fucking poor to afford the high definition feed? Or are you still using Windows 98 and unable to stream any kinda' video at all on your desktop, legally-obtained or otherwise? Mayhap the local sports bar ain't showing it, or perchance you've collected one too many D.U.I.s and are currently under house arrest and couldn't get there even if they were showing it? Well, no worries, mi amigos - as always, our LIVE, round-by-round coverage will keep you abreast of every knockout, takedown and potential in-cage shitting that occurs as the night chugs along. Our LIVE coverage begins at 8 p.m. Eastern, so go on ahead and do yourself a favor and bookmark this shit as a reminder. And while you are at it, why not tell some of your fightin' fans on Facebook and Twitter about our free social service tonight? Surely, they'll thank you for your information, if not flat out blow you out of mutual respect and admiration.

Well, looks like FS1 is covering the tail end of the Oklahoma/Oklahoma State scorefest instead of our regularly scheduled broadcast. Which, shit, is probably far more entertaining than watching Jon Anik and Daniel Cormier shoot the shit while trying to sound excited about a Mark Godbeer fight.

Alright, I finally found the right channel for Fox Sports 2. Anik lets us know that the new unified rules are IN EFFECT tonight in New York, and also, for the first time in UFC history, the refs will have the benefit of instant fucking replay. Well, I'm sure this won't lead to a lot of tomfoolery later in the broadcast ...

Fox Sports 1 Prelims

Welterweight Bout

Mickey Gall (4-0-0-0) vs. Randy Brown (9-2-0-0)

We try our damnedest around these parts to not play favorites, but by golly, we just love ourselves some Mickey Gall. I mean, he drubbed C.M. Punk like a bitch and automatically became a folk hero, and then he followed that up by literally knocking the spikes out of Sage Northcutt's hair - if you don't cheer like a motherfucker for this man, you sir or madame, are a goddamn communist. Of course, that's no slight at Randy "Rude Boy" Brown, a Jamaican import (like sugar!) who's 3-2 in the Octagon, with his last appearance a decision loss to Belal Muhammad. For a cable curtain jerker, this is a hell of TV freebie - keep your eyes glued to the screen, 'cause this one can end *just* like that.

Hey, Mickey has a beard now. Dude gets a pretty big ovation from the crowd. Brown trying to stalk Gall down early. Now Gall is LITERALLY running away from Randy. Gall with a good kick on the rebound. Gall with a big overhand, but not all of it connects. Brown with strong knees in the clinch, including a couple of impressive head shots. Brown with a belly to back takedown. Brown's in side control. Gall turtling up and Brown's kicking him while he's down. Brown folding Gall like an accordion up against the cage. Gall landing some elbows shots from the bottom. Brown in the full mount. Now he's elbowing the fuck out of Gall. Gall looking for a triangle. LOL at Gall telling the ref he isn't grabbing the cage. "I'm not, I'm not!" Brown with some more hard elbows, and now Gall is bleeding like a stuck pig.

Round two. Brown with leg kicks early. Gall isn't bleeding as much. Brown whiffs on a high kick but he lands a takedown immediately afterward. He's up, and now Gall takes his ass down. Brown loses the gogoplata. The ref lets Brown get away with an illegal upkick. Gall trying to get Brown's back. He's back in side control. Now Gall is landing some elbows from the top. Gall looking to secure the mounted crucifix. Gall in the full mount. "Let's go Mickey" chants pipe up. Gall's back in side control. As bad as he looked in the first round, he looks proportionally good in this one. Gall still working from the side. Now he has the crucifix locked in. Gall loses the guillotine. Gall keeps Brown in a headlock as the round expires.

Round three. Brown obviously won round one and Gall obviously won round two, so whoever wins this 'un wins the whole she-bang. Brown drops Gall with an uppercut and he lands a million free shots on the ground. Gall is bleeding again. Brown's in the full mount. Holy shit, Mickey looks like a Jason victim. Gall looking for a guillotine. He loses it. Brown leads on significant strikes, 38-9. Looks like Gall might be aiming for a shoulder lock, of all things. Gall has another guillotine in, but Brown pops out again. Holy shit, Gall has grabbed the fence about 20 times in this fight. Less than a minute to go. Gall goes for another guillotine. Brown lets Gall up with ten seconds left. He taunts Gall like a bitch and lands a knee at the last second. Looks like Gall may have landed a late shot after the bell.

The judges have it 29-28, 29-28 and 29-27 for Randy Brown.

Sigh. Yet another unreported instance of black-on-white violence.

Light Heavyweight Bout

Ovince Saint Preux (21-10-0-0) vs. Corey Anderson (10-3-0-0)

Now here's a rarity; a fighter pulling out of a UFC show and the UFC replacing him with a fighter who's like 100 times better. With Patrick Cummins getting sidelined with a staph infection, OSP quickly rose to the challenge, and all things taken into consideration, this has the makings of a hell of a fight. Whereas OSP is on a two fight tear with victories over Yushin Okami and Marcos Rogerio de Lima (aka, "who?"), Anderson is still reeling from a knockout loss against Jimi Manuwa back in March. Of course, a victory over OSP tonight would do a lot to raise his stock, but he better not take Saint Preux lightly; after all, they don't call this sumbitch "The Master of the Von Flue Choke" for nothin' ...

Shit, I forgot Corey won The Ultimate Fighter a couple years back. An aside, but what is it with black athletes getting those branded tattoos of swirly things on their biceps? OSP is in maroon, Anderson is in black. Both guys throwing big hands early. Corey with a takedown, but OSP is right back up, so Corey - without letting go of the waistlock - German suplexes hsi ass. Anderson trying to get OSP's back. LOL at Corey grabbing OSP's balls. We're swinging in the middle of the cage again. Corey has OSP bullied up against the cage. Corey can't get the takedown. Brief knee exchange. Corey with a spinning back fist. Corey just holds OSP against the cage for a full minute. OSP with a good knee to the body. And there's Corey smothering OSP against the cage again. And OSP staggers Corey with a shoot right at the very second the bell sounds.

Round two. OSP with a head kick that sends Corey's mouthpiece flying out of his mouth at a 100 miles an hour. Corey gets the ref to stop the fight so he can retrieve his equipment - shit, if he hadn't done that, his ass would've got sand blasted. Anderson looking for a takedown. He gets a knee to the body and he's smothering OSP against the cage again. Corey with a GREAT side suplex takedown. Corey with hard elbows to his opponent's head. Anderson has his back. Anderson drags OSP to the mat again. Not a whole lot of action happening in the final minute. Corey just hugs OSP against the cage as the round concludes.

Round three. OSP with a good straight jab. Anderson lands a hard uppercut. AND OSP KILLS ANDERSON DEAD WITH A HIGH HEAD KICK! He dropped Anderson fuckin' cold like a black Cro-Cop and I fuckin' LOVED IT.

The official time is 1:25 of round three. That shit will be replayed from now until the end of all time. In the post fight Joe Rogan asks him if he had to make any adjustments but I can't recall what he said because his pronounced lisp makes me LOL. He says he wants to fight on the New Year's Eve show, and hell, with a finish like that, they'll probably give it to him. By the way - that would give OSP five fights on the calendar year.

Is it offensive to call OSP "Negro Cro-Cop?" Because I'm totally going to, anyway.

Anyway, if you want to see people trying to work with an impossible demand, how about we check out the "hype reel" for the upcoming Walt Harris/Mark Godbeer bout?

Heavyweight Bout

Walt Harris (10-5-0-0) vs. Mark Godbeer (12-3-0-0)

This is a fight we were supposed to have at UFC 216, but it got scrapped because Godbeer Derek Lewis couldn't remove his tampon fast enough or something like that. This led to Fabricio Werdum racking up the single easiest paycheck of his life with Harris stepping in as a last second replacement, and yeah, I'm pretty sure Walt would love to get the taste of that shit out of his mouth. Tonight, he gets a chance to redeem himself up against Mark "The Hand Of" Godbeer, who is 1-1 in UFC competition, with his last appearance in the cage a decision win over Daniel Spitz. Odds are this heavyweight clash won't be pretty, but if we're lucky, we might get some hilarious spurts of man meat on fatty flubber action, and as we all know, there is NOTHING in this world funnier than watching two oxygen deprived obese guys try to whale on each other.

Harris with big fat kicks early. Now they're trading kicks to the body. Godbeer goes for a standing guillotine and Harris sweeps him down. Harris in side control. Now he's in the full mount. Huh, Harris cross-trains with Deontay Wilder. Who would've guessed. Walt raining down some heavy elbows. Harris leads Godbeer on ground strikes, 24-3. Harris with a hard left, then he hits Godbeer in the balls and the ref calls time and HARRIS HITS GODBEER WITH A BLATANT LATE KICK RIGHT TO THE FACE. Here comes the doctors. And they CALL THE FIGHT.

It's official - Walt Harris gets disqualified at 4:29.

And time for a hype video heralding St-Pierre's return. Fun fact: did you know that GSP voiced the hippie-dippie art student, aptly named "Art," in the French language version of Monsters University? Because he totally did.

Whoa have you fuckers ever seen this commercial before? You better believe I'm calling that number first thing Monday morning, just for the LULZ.

Notice in the fine print they're only licensed in Florida and clearly NOT accredited as substance abuse treatment program. Nope - nothing shady going on here!

Alright, time for our headlining prelim. And yeah, I know that's a contradiction, but that's why I like it. An aside, but hearing Jackie from That '70s Show speak all slow and soft in that one Jack Daniels commercials gives me the most raging of ASMR boners.

OK, one last commercial observation: why are there so many commercials targeting Medicare patients and back braces on Fox Sports 1? Do only people above the age of 65 watch this shit?

Lightweight Bout

James Vick (11-1-0-0) vs. Joe Duffy (16-2-0-0)

This here's a showcase bout for two fairly young midcarders who could become big names in the 155-pound division if a lot of really fluky shit happens over the next couple of years. In one corner we've got James "The Texecutioner" Vick, who's riding a two fight tear with finishes of Abel Trujillo (wasn't the the bassist in Metallica for awhile?) and Marco Polo Reyes. And in the other, we've got "Irish" Joe Duffy, who is likewise on a two fight winning streak with victories over Reza Madadi and Mitch Clarke. A big finish could put either man on a fast track to slightly less obscurity, while a loss is destined to send 'em back to the bottom of the next Fight Pass show in Moldova or wherever the fuck they're holding those things nowadays. Needless to say, with that in mind both of these dudes need a win here in the worst possible way.

Holy shit, did you know Duffy defeated Conor McGregor in 2010? You can check it out here if you don't believe me. Vick is in black, Duffy is in white/grey. The crowd is singing "Ole" already. Vick falls down, but he's right back up. Duffy working some leg kicks, Vick fires back with a jab. Vick with a straight right, followed by an uppercut. Duffy with an over the top right to the noggin. Duffy with a single leg takedown - pretty impressive, considering Vick is 6'3. Time to exchange knees. About a minute left in the round. Duffy with a running takedown. Vick bails on the guillotine attempt. Vick throws about ten punches but Duffy dodges all of 'em like it was nothing. But he does land a knee to the head as the round expires.

Round two. Vick whiffs on a head kick. Duffy fires back with a leg kick. And there's Duffy with a head kick of his own. Vick finally clips him. Duffy hits a counter left. Duffy whiffs on an axe kick, of all things. A low kick almost falls Duffy, but he maintains his balance. A much, much slower fight than it was in the first round. More low kicks for Duffy. Vick hits a shitty knee to the stomach. About a minute left. Vick with another high kick, but Duffy blocks it. AND VICK UNLOADS A QUICK FLURRY AND FINISHES DUFFY RIGHT AT THE BELL!

Oh yeah, he staggered that Mick with an uppercut and fed him about a dozen unanswered shots on the ground. The official time is 4:59 of the second round. In the post-fight he says he's 8-1 but nobody ranked wants to fight him and he wants a main event slot at the February Texas show.

Hey, Urijah Faber and Paige Van Zant are in the house. Talk about star power, eh?

Alright, time to flip on over to the PPV feed. We are coming to you LIVE from New York City, where if I were you, I'd be really careful navigating the sidewalks. Reminder: the ABC Unified Rules are in action and there will be limited use of instant replay, if it comes down to it. So yeah - they're practically telling us there's going to be some sort of fluky bullshit finish before the night's over.

Main PPV Card

Middleweight Bout

Johny Hendricks (18-7-0-0) vs. Paulo Costa (10-0-0-0)

No, he don't want to be called "Borrachinha," no more, which if you were wonderin', is Portuguese for "little rubber." So yeah, nobody in the UFC had the decency to tell him his nickname was a euphemism for having a small penis. Hence his re-adoption of his actual surname "Costa," alongside a new nickname "The Eraser." Anyhoo, he's a pretty bad motherfucker (as evident by the fact he's finished everybody he's ever fought in less than seven minutes) and tonight he gets to test his mettle against former Welterweight Champ Johny Hendricks, who - in one of the most shocking turn of events in recent UFC history - actually managed to make weight for the fight. By the way, Hendricks is just 1-4 in his last five fights - and methinks this match-up might be the company's way of forcing Johny into involuntary retirement, quite possibly via severe brain trauma.

Not gonna' lie - this Paulo chap is handsome as fuck. Not that I'd eat his asshole out or anything like that. Unless the money was right. Hey, is that Bill Maher in the audience? Dude looks just like him. Thankfully, Hendricks grew his beard back. Unfortunately, he's not using "$50 and a Flask of Crown" for his walkout music no more, and that disappoints me tremendously.

"They look like they're separated by two weight classes," Rogan remarks. Costa with a high kick after some brutal body kicks. Paulo staggers Hendricks with a one-two combo. WTF is that purple blotch on his shoulder, though? Costa misses on a spinning kick. Jon Anik quickly plugs The Walking Dead. Costa rocks Hendricks with a hard jab and a knee to the jaw. Hendricks fires back with a combo and a leg kick. Cost with an ankle to Johny's nostril. Costa leads on strikes, 25-12. Johny with two left jabs in a row and some more low kicks. Costa whiffs on another high kick and the two trade a ton of shots as the round expires.

Round two. Shit, that size discrepancy is amazing - Paulo looks about half a foot taller than Johny and 40 pounds heavier. Johny with low kicks and some more jabs. Uh-oh. Is Paulo slowing down now? Hendricks says he doesn't want a timeout after an eyepoke. Costa UNLOADING on Hendricks with some heavy rights. And then Costa lands a head kick. And here comes the barrage. A series of lethal right hands with Johny on his knees is all she wrote and the ref waves it off.

The official time is 1:23 of round two. In the post-fight, Costa mangles the English language and says "in Brazil, we have many versions of the sport, but this is a new time" and promises to become the next "legend in the UFC." He calls out somebody in Portuguese, but I have no idea whose name he uttered.

That is Bill Maher, isn't it?

Welterweight Bout

Stephen Thompson (13-1-1-0) vs. Jorge Masvidal (32-12-0-0)

In his last three fights, Stephen Thompson (whose "Wonder Boy" nickname is indeed derived from the Sega Master System game, FYI) has collected one win, one loss and one draw. Which means tonight, he'll probably be looking for a no contest, just to complete the quartet of all possible fight outcomes in a row. Journeyman Masvidal, who has fought under the Strikeforce, Bellator and Bodog banner over the last ten years, is 2-3 in his last five fights, with his last Octagon appearance resulting in a split decision loss to Demian Maia. Of course, there's no guarantee the winner of this bout gets hot shotted to a Welterweight Championship contest, but it would at least have to put 'em in a title eliminator next, wouldn't it?

Masvidal comes out to the theme from Scarface. That's a hell of a song to come out to. Has anybody ever come out to the opening theme from Young Guns? Because it would be awesome if someone has. And of course, Thompson comes out to "Wonder Boy" by Tenacious D. You mean he didn't want to use "Fuck Her Gently" from the same album? Or even the still thematically appropriate "Karate?"

Masvidal has the weirdest fighting stance I've ever seen. Thompson with a high kick, Jorge responds with a low kick. Jorge almost slips. Masvidal with a body kick. Thompson with a series of kicks to the stomach. Thompson keeps popping him with these quick left jabs. Thompson whiffs on a high kick. But he lands the body kick. Thompson with a GREAT right overhand. A front leg sidekick drops Jorge. He's right back up. Jorge trying to chase him down. Damn, Thompson has some great straight rights. He gets one more combo in before the bell sounds.

Round two. Shit, Anik keeps pimping The Walking Dead. Thompson with a beautiful head kick. Thompson with a combo. Thompson DROPS Jorge with a huge right, but Masvidal is right back up. Thompson leading on head strikes, 12-3. Jorge's Superman punch falls short. Thompson with another right jab. Thompson with another head kick, but he doesn't get all of it. Jorge clips him. Thompson gets another good combo in the waning seconds of the round.

Round three. Jorge throwing leg kicks early. Masvidal shoots for a takedown but he can't stick it. And there's Thompson with another great one-two. Thompson whiffs on the spinning back kick. Masvidal has 31 leg kicks thus far in the fight. Jorge goes over the top but only clips Thompson's shoulder. Now Thompson is jabbing him like a motherfucker. Now Thompson is throwing leg kicks. Makes sense to do that with just a minute left in the fight, I suppose. Thompson has a cut under his right eye. Half a minute to go. Jorge throws a kick, Thompson grabs his leg, punches him about four or five times, shucks Masvidal to the ground and there's the bell.

Let's hear it from the judges. It's 30-26 and two 30-27s to give Thompson the unanimous decision victory. LOL at the crowd booing when Joe Rogan suggests he might be next in line for a title shot. Thompson thanks Jesus, his teammates and Joe Rogan and says he may have broke his thumb heading into the third round.

Hey, a tall white dude from the Knicks is in the house. LOL at the crowd cheering Gordon Ramsey but booing C.C. Sabbathia like a motherfucker.

That new UFC game looks pretty awesome. Is that shit coming out on the Game Boy Pocket Color? Because that's the only gaming device I own right now.

Women's Strawweight Title Bout

Joanna Jedrzejczyk (14-0-0-0) vs. Rose Namajunas (7-3-0-0)

Joanna Champion hasn't just dominated the women's strawweight division, she's practically Harvey Weinsteined it. Tonight she's making her sixth defense of the ladies' 125-pound strap against Rose Namajunas, who is 4-1 in the Octagon, with her latest victory a rear naked choke finish of Michelle Waterson in April. Now, I'm not saying this fight should be an uncompetitive squash, but if Namajunas somehow manages to make it to the third round, I'd be shocked shitless.

Just so you know, the "j" in Namajunas' last name is supposed to be pronounced like "you." And I think she's coming out to Oasis, but I could be wrong. Joanna comes out holding the Polish flag and her theme music is Polack rap. You know, next to Estonians and Latvians, I think the Polish are my favorite Europeans. Wait, does Greenland count, since technically it's a principality of Denmark? If so, make Poland number four then.

Damn, Rose looks like she's cosplaying as Ripley in Alien 3. Oh goddamn, Joanna got RIGHT in that ho's face during the rules reading. Rose with a leg kick. Joanna slightly staggered by an overhand shot. The defending champ caps off a flurry of jabs with a head kick. Rose with a body shot. ROSE DROPS HER! She's got Joanna's back, but she's back up. Alright, we're standing and swinging again. Rose tags her again with a right. She drops Joanna with a left, goes fucking nuclear and FINISHES JOANNA ON THE GROUND!

Looks like Joanna tapped from the flurry of strikes. The official time is 3:03 of the first round. And we've got ourselves a new women's strawweight champ. That has to be one of the biggest upsets in UFC history right there.

"Man, it sound like buttah," Rose tells Rogan in the post-fight. "This belt don't mean nothing, just be a good person," she commands the audience.

Time to pimp UFC 218, headlined by Max Holloway vs. Jose Aldo. Oh, and a preview of the new Walking Dead season. Shit, now that is getting annoying.

Worst. Lesbo. Porn. Ever.

Bantamweight Title Bout

Cody Garbrandt (11-0-0-0) vs. T.J. Dillashaw (15-3-0-0)

Defending champion Garbrandt is 6-0 in UFC competition, where he was last seen besting Dominick Cruz to claim the men's 135-pound strap at UFC 207. Now former champ T.J. Dillashaw - who is 2-0 since dropping the title to Cruz last year - looks to reclaim his belt this evening in a title clash that has the makings of an all time Octagon classic. Seriously, even my smartmouth ass can't think of something offensive/funny to say about this bout -  this thing should be a barn-burner, and if it ain't, somebody owes us a cash refund.

Dillashaw, as always, comes out to that one Red Hot Chili Peppers song. And Garbrandt comes out to "We Will Rock You," because this guy is all about the Jock Jams, apparently. Dillashaw gets booed like crazy, for some reason. And Garbrandt, conversely, is soundly applauded.

No glove touch before the ref starts the fight. Both guys throwing a ton of kicks, but nothing connecting early. Both these guys have the most alt-right-tastic haircuts. TJ loading up on the front kicks. Cody with a flurry of punches, but TJ survives. TJ with a low kick and Cody hits him with a good one-two. Shit, Cody has some of the fastest combos I've ever seen in the cage. Cody with a barrage of body shots in the clinch. Dillashaw lands a right. And Cody drops TJ RIGHT at the bell. TJ weathers the late surge, though, so we'll get a second round.

Round two. TJ throws a goofy spin kick. He connects on a body kick. He shoots for a takedown, but Cody shucks him off. "Fuck you, TJ" chants pipe up. TJ clips him with a high kick and a jab, but Cody quickly recovers. DILLASHAW TAGS GARBRANDT, UNLOADS ON HIM ON THE MAT AND THIS FIGHT IS OVER!

The official time of the stoppage is 2:41 of the second. "You can't condition your chin," Dillashaw tells Rogan in the post-fight. He calls out Demetrious Johnson and says he's coming to "break his record."

That makes it two upset title changes in a row. Are we destined for number three in just a few minutes?

Is there anything sweeter than making your arch rival temporarily retarded?

LOL, they showed the wrong undercard for UFC 218 earlier. And the real one is like a hundred times worse and even the announcers can't cover it up. Now let's throw it to Chris Weidman, who's going to tell you all about this new Netflix movie with Will Smith in it.

Middleweight Title Bout

Michael Bisping (31-7-0-0) vs. Georges St-Pierre (25-2-0-0)

Well, what more can I say about this one? Michael Bisping has had one of the most amazing later-half-of-his-career comebacks in MMA history, with five consecutive victories in the Octagon, including back to back to back wins over Anderson Silva, Luke Rockhold and Dan Henderson in his last three go-at-its. And St-Pierre ... well, we actually haven't seen St-Pierre since late 2013, and who the hell knows what he's been up to ever since. Still, he's unquestionably the greatest Welterweight Champion in MMA history and a sure-fire, first ballot Hall of Famer, and his wrestling - barring some serious diminishing over the last four years - should remain positively Olympic-class. So, is Bisping's solid striking game and natural weight advantage enough to give the Brit the edge, or is the French-Canuck's all-time-level grappling going to be the match's decisive factor? There's only one way to find out - fuck looking at the stats on paper, let's watch these motherfuckers scrap for real.

St-Pierre comes out to some French hip-hop and chewing bubblegum (because he's all out of ass to kick, maybe?) The reaction from the crowd, though, isn't as boisterous as you'd expect. "Is he returning because he didn't have anything else to do?" Rogan rhetorically asks. Man, his ass looks WAY fatter. And so is the bulge in his britches ... I mean, not that I'm inclined to naturally look there or anything. The boo birds come out in droves as soon as the lights dim for Bisping's entrance, but they still sing along to "Song 2" because these guys don't know what the fuck they want out of life. "That man is the most underrated champion in mixed martial arts," Rogan remarks.

I haven't brought it up tonight, but just so you know, Bruce Buffer's tux is apparently on loan from The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase. GSP is clearly the crowd favorite. GSP with an early leg kick. Bisping whiffs on a body kick. GSP lands a right. GSP whiffs on a spin kick. Bisping tags GSP. GSP responds with a jab. GSP lands a front leg kick. Bisping keeping his distance. GSP lands another jab and Bisping fires back with a right. GSP whiffs on another spin kick. And GSP gets his first takedown. Bisping's back up. GSP lands a Superman punch but misses on the follow-up head kick.

Round two. GSP lands a flush straight jab. Bisping with low kicks. GSP with a side kick to the stomach. Bisping rattles off a left hook. Bisping lands a BIG right hand. And GSP lands another takedown. He's in the full mount. He switches to side control. But Bisping is right back up and lands an overhand right. Bisping with another big left hand. GSP is slowing down fast. Bisping with a right hand/right high kick combo in the waning seconds of the round.

Round three. Bisping's cup fell out in the final moments of the last round, so he might be free-ballin' his way through this one. "This could be a huge factor, folks," Rogan comments. That's GSP's third takedown of the fight. Bisping with elbows from the bottom. St-Pierre is cut bad. Both men back up. St-Pierre is definitely about a 7 on the Muta Scale right now. GSP lands a body kick. GSP DROPS BISPING AND HE'S RAINING ELBOWS! NOW HE HAS BISPING'S BACK AND THE CHOKE IS IN DEEP! BISPING TAPS!!!

The official time is 4:20 of the third. "I wouldn't like to do that fight again, oh fuck," GSP says in the post-fight. Rogan asks him if he's going to stay at 185 and St-Pierre doesn't really give him a cogent response. He calls Bisping his toughest opponent to date, and concludes "martial arts isn't about the biggest balls, it's about the technique."

"It's a hell of a fucking squeeze he's got there," Bisping says about the new Middleweight Champ. "You beat me, you fucking choked me out, congratulations."

Holy shit - the French actually won a fight in the year 2017!

Well, we've got a LOT to talk about regarding the fallout of tonight's show. Let's take a quick nap and I'll be back here first thing in the morning with some more thoughts. See you in just a few, folks!

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Well, there's certainly no glut of intriguing match-ups for Georges St-Pierre at 185 pounds. The UFC is already teasing a showdown with No. 1 contender Robert Whittaker for UFC 221 in Perth, but even if that doesn't come to fruition, there's still a spate of top notch challengers for the new Middleweight Champ's strap, all of whom exhibit very interesting stylistic foils for St-Pierre. How would GSP fare against Yoel Romero's vicious lethal mixture of world caliber Muay Thai striking and Olympic-level freestyle wrestling? Or how would St-Pierre handle a deadly BJJ master with genuine knockout power like Ronaldo Souza? Hell, who wouldn't want to see St-Pierre test his mettle against fellow grappling expert Chris Weidman? There's even the off-chance that Tyron Woodley hops up a weight class for a champion vs. champion spectacle. Every last one of those hypothetical match-ups would be a fucking pleasure to witness, and - for what seems like the first time in ages - the UFC has itself a bona-fide no-lose divisional scenario for AT LEAST another year and a half. As for the recently dethroned Michael Bisping, his next challenger is pretty obvious - it's time for a third scrap with Luke Rockhold, and if the UFC doesn't book it I'd be aghast. For new Bantamweight Champ TJ Dillashaw, his next opponent is pretty much a given - the victor of the upcoming Dominick Cruz/Jimmie Rivera bout at UFC 219. Although there isn't a fight fan alive who wouldn't want to see him go toe-to-toe against Demetrious Johnson in a champion vs. champion mega-clash, either. As for Cody Garbrandt, he's probably only a win or two away from getting right back into a title fight; in the downtime, why not give him either the loser of Cruz/Rivera or if you need something a little bit sooner, the winner of this Saturday's Raphael Assuncao/Matthew Lopez bout? If I was a betting man, I'd roll the dice on the UFC doing an automatic Rose Namajunas/Joanna Jedzrzejczyk re-do, but if not? With Jessica Andrade, Claudia Gadelha and Karolina Kowalkiewicz waiting in the wings, there's certainly no dearth of worthy challengers to the new Women's Strawweight Champion. After that dreadful second bout, the UFC ain't letting Stephen Thompson get anywhere near Tyron Woodley for the foreseeable future. With Robbie Lawler almost certain to get the next crack at the Welterweight strap, how about letting Wonder Boy tango with Colby Covington in the interim? It's way past time to give Paulo Costa a real top ten opponent, so how about giving him the winner of the upcoming Anderson Silva/Kelvin Gastelum fight? And lastly, how about giving Ovince St. Preux a fight with Volkan Oezdemir in a possible pre-title eliminator? 

THE VERDICT:  You might as well lock it on up, boys, because this is a sure fire, cemented, bolted-down, guarantee for MMA show of the year. I think Dana White summed it up best in the post-fight conference: "this was the holy shit card." From top to bottom, there wasn't a single bad match and the top three were all all-time, mark-the-fuck-out, jump-in-the-air and kick-the-cat-out-of-fanboy-excitement classics. Toss in the AWESOME knockouts from OSP, James Vick and Paulo Costa and you have yourself a show so comprehensively great, it was ALMOST worth paying for. Tis a pity if you didn't watch this one live - it's undoubtedly one of the five best UFC PPVs ever, and maybe even a top ten MMA card of all-time candidate.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Take your fuckin' pick. Between OSP's Cro-Cop homage to Paulo Costa punching Johny Hendricks unconscious from the blow job position to Namajunas shocking Joanna to Dillashaw's mad comeback against Garbrandt to a bloodied GSP surviving Bisping's deadly elbows and choking his ass out moments later to win the Middleweight title, this thing is absolutely glutted with high reel material.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: Probably the Walt Harris/Mark Godbeer bout. But hey, what would a New York card be without the NYSAC fucking up at least one match?

ROGAN-ISM OF THE NIGHT: "I think they do it because it's fun" - Joe responding to Daniel Cormier's inquiry into why the fans chanted "Fuck you T.J" during the Dillashaw/Garbrandt bout.

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW:

• If a Brazilian man is nicknamed after a part of a pencil, do not fuck with him.
• No, the wild monkey kung-fu stance isn't all that effective in the Octagon (take heed, Jorge Masvidal.)
• It might not be a good idea to get right in the face of an eerily emotionless bald chick ahead of fistfight.
• Having nearly 20,000 people tell you to engage in sexual activity with yourself makes your punches all the more effective.
• If your cup isn't snug as a bug around your balls heading into battle, you're destined to lose.

That's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "Long Island" by Absinth3 and "Two Hearts" by The Northern Lights and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few.

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