All 32 Sega 32X Games RANKED! (Part One - #032-#017)

Taking a look back at the much-maligned console's ENTIRE library ... and the number of games that DON'T suck might just surprise you.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

The Sega 32X is generally considered one of the worst home consoles ever released. Even hardcore Sega fanboys like myself have a hard time justifying its existence (a brand new 16-bit add-on released just months before an all new 32-bit console? BRILLIANT!) but by that same token, it's not like the 32X was totally devoid of quality software. In fact, the unit actually had a pretty respectable library, with only a handful of outright sucky games and quite a few titles I'd feel comfortable labeling as legitimately awesome.

Of course, considering the 32X's lifespan was barely a year, less than three dozen cartridges actually made its way to the system in North America. Factoring out the re-releases of such Sega CD "classics" as Night Trap and Slam City with Scottie Pippen and the Japan-only Sangokushi IV (don't worry, you didn't miss much ... it was just another Romance of the Three Kingdoms game), an ironically apt 32 games got released on the 32X. While we'll always lament never being able to play a treasure trove of planned games that got the axe when Sega pulled support on the 32X (including an original Castlevania, a whole slew of Sega Saturn ports and whatever the hell Virtua Hamster was supposed to be), at least we can take solace in knowing that the games the 32X DID get were, for the most part, not THAT terrible.

As one of our patented public services here at TIIIA, we've decided to go on ahead and rank ALL 32 games released on the 32X from worst to first. Part one of our special two-parter will examine the lesser half of the console library, as we slum our way through games #032 through #017 on the countdown, while part two takes a gander at the considerably better games on the console, as we waltz our way from game #016 to the absolute best title to be found on the much maligned system (and yes, it IS exactly what you think it will be. Sorry for the lack of drama, kids.)

So, with all of that out of the way, who's ready to party like its 1994? That's right … don't you kids raise your hands all at once!

#032

Brutal Unleashed: Above the Claw (1995)

Developer: GameTek

Publisher: GameTek

This is easily the worst game available for the Sega 32X. Basically, it's a really poor-man's Street Fighter II clone, only replacing Ryu and Balrog with furries named Karate Croc and, sigh, Dalai Llama. No, for real, nigga. The controls are terrible, the move set is extremely limited and the sound and visuals are among the poorest you'll find on the platform — honestly, this game doesn't look or sound better than Brutal: Paws of Fury on the Genesis, and even worse, its loading times are aggravatingly long. That we got this instead of a proper Eternal Champions follow-up is an utter travesty.

#031

Darxide (1995)

Developer: Frontier Developments

Publisher: Sega

This space shooter might just be the absolute fuggliest game on the console. With blocky polygonal graphics and a color palette consisting almost exclusively of black, grey, and dull blues and greens, Darxide feels like an old school arcade game in the worst way possible. The controls are stiff, the mechanics boring as shit and the gameplay is extraordinarily repetitive — and devoid of challenge, to boot. With virtually no replay value, there's not much of a reason to give this one a try ... especially considering the Sega CD was already home to VASTLY better genre offerings, such as Silpheed and the criminally underappreciated Soul Star.

#030

Motocross Championship (1994)

Developer: Artech Studios

Publisher: Sega

Had the developers actually tried, this game could've become a classic. Structurally, the gameplay is one part Road Rash and one part ExciteBike, and to be fair, they did throw in quite a bit of content. The problem, naturally, is the execution: simply put, this game plays like absolute dookie. The sense of speed is way off and it is way too easy to find yourself skidding off-course. And if that wasn't bad enough, pretty much all of the levels look indistinguishable, which begs the question — what's the point of even including so many tracks if you can't tell them apart anyway?

#029

NFL Quarterback Club (1995)

Developer: Iguana Entertainment

Publisher: Acclaim Entertainment

Unfortunately, the only pro football game the 32X received was far from a gridiron masterpiece. The game looks and sounds practically identical to the SNES iteration of the game that came out a full year earlier, except it plays even worse, with molasses-slow gameplay and an aberrant number of glitches. The core gameplay feels like a really incomplete Madden beta and even the big draw of the title itself — those quarterback drill mini-games — feel stiff and unwieldy. It's not a totally unplayable game, but there's no denying there's plenty of 16-bit pigskin games that kick this one's ass all up and down the field.

#028

Primal Rage (1995)

Developer: Probe Software

Publisher: Time Warner Interactive

Oh, Primal Rage — what a brilliant concept for a video game, Mortal Kombat with dinosaurs. Alas, as we all by now, the execution didn't quite live up to the lofty expectations of the concept, and the 32X port of the fighting game doesn't do anything to rectify the title's core problems. Both the graphics and the audio are underwhelming and the controls are mediocre, at best. Of course, the big problem is the half-assed combat system, which eschews the technique and finesse of Capcom and SNK's finer offerings for a fairly brainless button-mashing experience. But then again, how could you possibly hate a game that allows you to kill your enemies by giving them a golden shower?

#027

Cosmic Carnage (1994)

Developer: Givro

Publisher: Sega

Contrary to what some people on the internet may tell you, no, this game was not originally meant to be an Eternal Champions sequel. Rather, it's a ho-hum 2D fighter that's way too reliant on a zooming camera effect gimmick ... which actually makes the visuals look even blockier, so who the hell knows what the developers were thinking when they dreamed that shit up. All in all, it's just another generic fighting game cash-in, complete with characters clearly ripping off properties like The Silver Surfer and the xenomorph from Alien, with a combat system that's, well, uninspired, to say the least. And to think: this mediocre offering was made by the same people who gave us the cult classic E.V.O. on the Super Nintendo!

#026

Golf Magazine 36 Great Holes with Fred Couples (1994)

Publisher: Flashpoint Productions

Developer: Sega

Wait ... wasn't this that one game from The Simpsons? Well, even if you don't know who the fuck Fred Couples is, it's pretty much irrelevant, considering the game is pretty much just your basic, slower-than-Christmas golf simulator. To be fair, the graphics do look pretty good, but the core gameplay is just agonizingly slow-paced, with a dearth of modes or features. Unless you are a hardcore golfing fan who is also a fan of mid-1990s failed hardware, there's not much of a reason to give this one a try ... although Fred Couples soothing commentary makes it a perfect pick-up for you ASMR weirdoes.

#025

Metal Head (1995)

Publisher: Sega

Developer: Sega

You just know you’re dealing with a game nobody cared about when the box art erroneously tells you it has a multiplayer mode. Essentially a very watered-down iteration of Virtual-On, Metal Head plays like a weird fusion of Mech Assault and Twisted Metal, albeit with considerably clunkier controls, crappier looking visuals and WAY less creativity being batted around. Still, the almost-open world dynamics and the halfway decent mech combat action keeps the title moderately entertaining, as long as you can tolerate the molasses slow gameplay, you might even unironically enjoy this one.

#024

Toughman Contest (1995)

Publisher: Electronic Arts

Developer: Visual Concepts

A slightly churched up version of its Genesis sibling, Toughman Contest is basically a Punch-Out!! wannabe, only with less memorable racial caricatures and no guest appearances from all-time great pugilists/convicted rapists. By and large, the boxing system in the game is pretty ho-hum, with defense practically a non-factor. Compared to superlative genre games on the Genny like Greatest Heavyweights or the SNES version of Boxing Legends of the Ring, this is a pretty bare bones offering, but at least the visuals are pretty decent. That, and it’s scientifically impossible to thoroughly hate any video game that features Butterbean as an end boss, isn’t it?

#023

WWF WrestleMania: The Arcade Game (1995)

Publisher: Acclaim

Developer: Sculptured Software

WWF Raw (1995)
Publisher: Acclaim

Developer: Sculptured Sofware

They both have their distinctive pros and their distinctive cons, but on the whole I’d say these games are pretty much evenly matched. Raw, the earlier game, has more game modes and a better roster, while WrestleMania — despite having fewer characters and lower replay value — does offer better overall gameplay, visuals and sound. Ultimately, unless you are a truly hardcore fan of the post-Hulk Hogan, pre-Stone Cold Steve Austin WWF era, there’s not really a whole lot for you take away from either title; non ‘rasslin aficionados, do not even bother with these two.

#021

RBI Baseball '95 (1995)

Publisher: Time Warner Interactive

Developer: Atari Games

World Series Baseball Starring Deion Sanders (1996)
Publisher: Sega

Developer: BlueSky Software

Again, I feel as if these two games are more or less equal in terms of presentation and gameplay, so really, it comes down to a matter of personal preference. World Series Baseball certainly has more modes and moderately better audiovisuals, but on the whole, I’d consider the batting and pitching controls for RBI Baseball ‘95 to be significantly better. Basically, if you’re looking for a deeper, more sim-like sports title (albeit, one with some sketchy outfielding), opt for Sega’s ball game; if you prefer your video baseball more instant-gratification and arcadey, then R.B.I. ought to cure what ails ‘ya.

#019

Shadow Squadron (1995)

Publisher: Sega

Developer: Sega CS

The unlicensed spiritual successor to Star Wars Arcade is a pretty big step down from its predecessor. All in all, the space shootin’ combat is decent, but the blocky, fugly polygonal graphics look significantly worse than your average Sega CD Star Fox imitator. The controls, however, are very manageable, and if you have a penchant for decidedly old-school, no frills, snail-paced, arcade-blastin’ action, you might actually get some fun out of the experience. Still, the way-too-basic gameplay means this one is for genre purists only, I’m afraid.

#018

FIFA Soccer '96 (1995)

Publisher: Electronic Arts

Developer: Extended Play Productions

This is actually an amazing-looking title that, at first glance, might even be mistaken for a Nintendo 64 footy game. You get a ton of different game modes and customization options to tinker around with and, by and large, the on-field mechanics — while nowhere near as polished as Sensible Soccer or International Superstar Soccer — are still quite solid. The problem, of course, is two-fold; the pace of the gameplay is annoyingly sluggish, and that pseudo 3D-perspective means the camera angles are going to be changing all the time. I’d consider this a very good sports sim that is critically hampered by choppy gameplay and some poorly thought-out design choices; still, it’s probably worth going out of your way to experience, pending you’re a big enough footy fan.

#017

Star Trek Starfleet Academy: Starship Bridge Simulator (1995)

Publisher: Sega

Developer: High Voltage Software

I’ve never been a fan of the Star Trek license, but on the whole I’d consider this a pretty engrossing title that really defies any one genre relegation. Part flight simulator, part RPG and part micromanager, you can’t say the makers of this one didn’t give you plenty of stuff to do (although, if you’re like me, you’ll probably spend 80 percent of the game playing pool and shooting the breeze in the space-cafeteria.) Oddly enough, though, the game isn’t really that big of an upgrade over the original title on the SNES, in terms of audiovisuals … in fact, it’s pretty hard to differentiate the two, not only in screenshot form, but even while in motion.

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Haunted Castle - the Forgotten Castlevania Arcade Game!

Revisiting Konami's peculiarly obscure coin-op that shares practically everything with Castlevania except its title.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

When I say the words "horror," "video game" and "not Resident Evil," the very first thing that should enter your mind is, of course, Castle-by-god-motherfucking-Vania (official title: just plain Castlevania.) The series has given us literally dozens of outstanding games over the last 30 years, covering just about every platform you can think of, from the Nintendo DS to the MSX2 to the PC Engine CD to the Sharp X68000. But as beloved and venerated as the series may be, there remain quite a few odd duck installments that are still swept under the proverbial rug. There's the platformer parody on the NES where you fight KKK members with swastikas drawn on their foreheads, that one GBA Mario Kart clone featuring Drac hisself as a playable character, fuck, there's even a Tony Hawk knockoff where you make Simon Belmont do 720s and shit. But as weird as those side-steps for the Castlevania mythos may be, they all pale in comparison to the strangest and wackiest 'vania game of 'em all - 1988's Haunted Castle.

Released just one year after the original Castlevania hit the Famicom/NES, Konami's Haunted Castle is - for all intents and purposes - an arcade remake of the classic monster mash that shares pretty much everything with its forerunner except its title. To be fair there are a lot of subtle differences here and there, but by and large, it's freakin' Castlevania: The Arcade Game and one has to wonder why those wacky Japs didn't just up and call the coin-op what it obviously was. Alas, it did get us this bitchin' beyond words arcade flyer, which alone justifies the game's whole existence, regardless of the titling peculiarities. 

But what about the game itself, you may be wondering? Well, old Jimbo has you covered, since I recently did a whole playthrough of the title ahead of this, the most glorious of seasons. Buckle up, buttercup - things are about to get really fucking weird (and really fucking awesome) quicker than you can say "it's a terrible night to have a curse." 

The game begins with an opening cinematic that shows some dude with a blue mullet getting married, only for Dracula himself to fly out of the sky and pluck his bride away from him. And that's not the only oblique homage to Ghosts 'n Goblins, as evident by the very second the game begins proper. 

Your character doesn't have an official name, but he looks like Conan the Barbarian in Egyptian garb cosplaying as Simon Belmont. The pace of the game is much slower than the Castlevania Nintendo game, making it feel like a fusion of 'vania and Capcom's iconic (and hard as hell) graveyard crossing simulator. And yes, as you will soon see, this game is every bit as teeth-grindingly hard as Ghosts 'n Goblins, so if you're a hardcore old school gamer you REALLY need to pay attention.

The core gameplay is identical to NES 'vania. You whack bats, zombies and bone-tossing skeletons with your whip and collect hearts to power-up your side-weapons. Those side-weapons include bombs, boomerangs, a stopwatch, projectile crucifixes and flaming torches - and obviously, at least three of those never made it into the Nintendo game. So you amble across a graveyard and avoid random fire obstacles and flying statue heads, and then these trees come alive and try to grab you. There's not a whole lot of emphasis on platforming upfront, but yeah, that all changes shortly. After a bit you walk into a church, smack a hundred or so bats and then, it's time to do battle with TOPLESS Medusa! Hey, we all know gazing into her eyes will turn you into a statue, but prey tell, what happens if you just ogle her snake-titties instead?

Shit ... at least the dude in Ghosts 'n Goblins got a blowjob in a cemetery before his woman got kidnapped!

Stage two defies genre convention by being a right to left side-scroller. There's a whole bunch of fog in the background, obfuscating Drac's castle and it definitely looks cool as fuck. So you go down some stairs, enter a blue cave with bloody water and a whole bunch of Creature from the Black Lagoon ripoffs jumping into you then do some light platforming across some moving stones, which sets up a mid-level boss fight against a giant pink and grey snake.

After that same clay monsters come out of the walls and attack you, and eventually you resurface under a spooky red sky and the geographical design becomes very, VERY Rygar-esque. Then the sky turns black and you fight a skeleton snake boss. I guess now's a good time to tell you that, like in every other Castlevania game ever made, you can also upgrade your whip, including adding a fucking spiked mace to it. Interestingly, you can also swap out your whip for a long-ass sword, which seemingly does more damage despite having apparently shorter range than your default weapon.

Stage three kicks off and "Bloody Tears" starts playing and it's awesome. I'm not sure whether this game technically came out before or after Simon's Quest, but this might just be the BOSSEST version of the song I've ever heard. So, you're ambling around a castle, and knights and these little midgets start attacking you. There are portraits of Dracula on the wall and at one point you enter a portal to another dimension, fight a few shirtless harpies (yep, you get to see more pixelized nipples) and then you get shat back out into the real world so you can dodge falling chandeliers (thank you, Phantom of the Opera, for such a wonderful, easily reusable trope) and hit wraiths (or is it banshees?) in the fucking face, hard. 

So you go up some more stairs and fight more knights and midgets then fucking eyeballs start rolling after you. This leads to a boss fight against this stained glass mirror dude who looks like Ed Sheerhan dressed up as a lumberjack. Yeah, I have no idea what kind of crack cocaine the kids at Konami were smoking there. 

Enter stage four! It's another underground cavern, this one littered with mummies. There's a bit more platforming in this stage than in the previous levels, and it's starting to get a lot more challenging, too. Alas, the whole castle is a dull coffee brown color - talk about some boring level design. A new enemy type is introduced - this annoying ass, constantly cawing raven - and since it's only a few pixels wide it's ridiculously hard to hit. You keep moving down the iconic 'vania stairs and the boss fight is against this giant pulsating rock monster that for all the Rubles in Russia looks like he shoots shit globs at you. 

Stage five starts off with your avatar riding an elevator in front of a light green backdrop for about 20 seconds. There are no enemies during the section, so you just have to sit there and twiddle your thumbs with nothing to do - kind of a pointless sequence, ain't it? This time around there's a lot of Castlevania III-esque cog-work in the background, and of course, there's a fuck-ton more mummies and kamikaze skulls to deal with. So you keep going up the stairs until you have a boss battle with Frankenstein's monster, who is chained to a wall and just keeps shaking the screen so ceiling tiles fall on you. All in all, he's surprisingly easy to beat (just as long as you have a good projectile subweapon) and after you defeat him, he melts into a pile of bloody bones and it's really awesome-looking.

And that's our prelude for the sixth and final stage. You begin by crossing this dilapidated bridge in broad daylight, while killing a billion ravens and avoiding falling into the abyss when the bridge begins crumbling. Oh, and this part drags on for three minutes. Then you finally enter the castle, kill a solitary harpy and Dracula shows up - green skinned and rocking a bushy ass mustache, looking more like a Martian Pablo Escobar than Vlad the Impaler. Anyway, he pulls off all the usual Castlevania tricks. He turns into a colony of bats and teleports across the screen, then he turns into a giant glowing orb that then turns into a giant grey Dracula head that tries to bite you. Hit him approximately 657 more times in the nose and he finally dies, and as per franchise tradition, the final shot of the game is your avatar watching Dracula's castle crumble to the ground. But wait - they never tell you what happened to the dude's wife? Did she get rescued beforehand or are we to assume that Dracula just raped her and ate her? I mean, goddamn, that's not just a humongous plot hole, that's the VERY catalyst for the game in the first place - shit, at least Capcom had the basic human decency to give us some kind of closure, you cold, cold-blooded motherfuckers.

Oh, so that's why it's called "Bloody Tears!"

Even though Haunted Castle is a game with some very big problems - the stages are redundant, the jumping feels awkward, your character moves like he weighs 800 pounds and has a broomstick thoroughly embedded in his asshole, the enemies are cheap as fucking shit, etc. - it's still a really, really fun experience, pending you play it as a ROM and don't have to keep feeding the machine quarters every 15 fucking seconds. Feasibly, you can beat the whole thing in 20 minutes, but since you'll be dying every 20 seconds, I assure you this one will take you much longer than a half hour to finish.

It's not quite the perfect medley of Castlevania and Ghosts 'n Goblins we've always wanted, but it does come kinda' sorta' close. The gameplay (although occasionally frustrating) is definitely solid, and if you're looking for a Viagra overdose-hard old school challenge, this one will beat your ass ragged for days. In the overall pantheon of Castlevania games, it has to be somewhere in the top 20 - Lord knows, it's definitely better than just about all of the 3D games in the series, and after 20 years of MetroidVania, it is kind of refreshing to play a more linear 'vania outing again. 

Again, I can't say Haunted Castle is a game sans some issues, but as long as you can overlook some clunky controls and learn how to work around the game's iffy platforming, you'll probably find it to be a rather enjoyable - albeit often irritating - arcade sidescroller. Besides, it's a game that lets you kill a shit-flinging rock monster and bondage Frankenstein in back-to-back boss battles ... you really think I'm going to say anything bad about a title that delivers something like that? 

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Seven Insane NES Licensed Games That ALMOST Happened

Oh, the 8-bit titles we could have played...

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@Jimbo__X

The Nintendo Entertainment System was home to a lot of kooky, quirky licensed games. Wedged in between copies of Punch-Out!! and Tecmo Super Bowl, one could find shoddily made 8-bit offerings exploiting the licenses of such obscure properties as Darkman, Cool World, Widget and Hudson Hawk, along with surprisingly enjoyable titles based on head-scratching licenses like The Lone Ranger, Zen: The Intergalactic Ninja, Silver Surfer and Monster in My Pocket.

As strange as those games may have been, however, we could have gotten our hands on ones that were even weirder. Indeed, at one point in time, there were actual plans to release NES games based on, among other things, ribald Fox sex comedies, flash-in-the-pan late '80s boy bands and surreal David Lynch dramas. Alas, for one reason or another fate never let the masses get their hands on the full-fledged products. Today, let us reflect on the Nintendo Entertainment System offerings that could've been ... and, of course, whether or not we would have even wanted to play a video game about Police Academy in the first place. 

Game One:

A Nightmare on Elm Street 

What made it insane? I know what you are thinking. "Hey Jimbo, you old diarrhea head, LJN made an Elm Street game and it WAS released!" Well, as it turns out, the subpar Freddy Krueger game that came out on the NES was actually a second-build - in the original version of the game, you actually took control of the film world's most beloved child molester and went around hopping in and out of teenagers' dreams, slaying them in all sorts of Grand Guignol ways. 

How close was it to being released? Apparently, close enough to be used as screenshots for promotional posters and blurbs in various gaming magazines. Outside of LJN realizing that marketing a video game about murdering sleeping children to the bed-wetter set probably wasn't the smartest public relations move, there's no real explanation out there as to why the company decided to drastically overhaul the game mechanics. 

Would we have wanted to play it? Well, considering how crappy the official NES game wound up, it probably wouldn't have resulted in anything worse than the final product. The very Friday the 13th-like map system in the surviving screen shots suggests the game would have likely had the same mechanics as Jason's love-it-or-hate-it foray on the console, but as to how players were supposed to control Freddy and harness his nigh-godlike powers in the dreamscape? Looks like that's something that will remain a mystery to everybody except the designers who worked on the prototype. 

Game Two:

Hellraiser

What made it insane? Everything. First off, the license was based on an R-rated horror series about S&M demons and people making out with skinless zombies. Secondly, the title would have come out WAY late in the console life cycle, certainly after the SNES was released. Oh, and did I mention that it was supposed to be a bona ride semi-three-dimensional first-person-shooter using the same hardware as Duck Hunt? 

How close was it to being released? Designed by Color Dreams - yes, the same company that produced all those crappy, unlicensed NES games in those gaudy black cartridges - Hellraiser would have effectively been a 16-bit game jerry rigged to play on NES consoles. According to one of the big wigs at Color Dreams, the game got pretty far into the preliminary design phase; the stumbling block, however, was just how damned expensive it would have cost to produce the game - some sources say that to make up for the design costs, Color Dreams would have had to have sold copies of the game for at least $200 a pop. Advertising materials also promised us appearances by Pinhead and pals on the Atari Lynx and Genesis, but even less is known about those proposed titles than the already mysterious Nintendo game. 

Would we have wanted to play it? For the sheer novelty of it, yes. It would have been a hoot and half to at least see a game imitate Genesis-level visuals on the NES, and the FPS mechanics definitely would have been intriguing. And come on - who wouldn't have liked to at least get a chance to pop a few caps in some Cenobite asses using the same control pad for Mega Man 3 and StarTropics? As freaky as it may be, however, there is a pretty strong chance we did get an opportunity to monkey with what would have been the game engine: legend has it that Color Dreams wound up using the Hellraiser template for what would be the only unlicensed North American release on the Super Nintendo - of all things, the Old Testament-themed Super Noah's Ark 3D!

Game Three: 

Married ... with Children

What made it insane? While there were some inspired choices for sitcom-to-NES translations (The Adventures of Gilligan's Island, anybody?) making a game based on the infamously bawdy Fox TV show was downright head-scratching. That the company that proposed it in the first place wanted to market it as a value-priced, adults-only adventure game a'la Leisure Suit Larry merely adds to the unabashed weirdness of the situation.  

How close was it to being released? Although the game was announced as "in development" by several old school video game mags back in the day, it's doubtful much work at all ever got underway on the title. Considering the company in charge of producing the game, Sharedata, was in deep dookie with the SEC around the time Married..with Children was announced would suggest that the company's designers probably never even got the green light to start making those Bud and Kelly sprites. 

Would we have wanted to play it? Why not? Even if the game was an absolute piece of shit (and judging by the quality of the Porky's games, it definitely would have been a piece of shit), it still would have been something else to commandeer Al Bundy in 8-bit form. Which, ultimately, raises the question: considering how much ass-kicking the Bundy brood did on the show, how come nobody ever mulled making a four-player arcade beat-em up starring the Married clan, a'la Konami's X-Men and The Simpsons coin-ops? 

Game Four:

New Kids on the Block

What made it insane? In the early, early 1990s, pioneering boy band New Kids on the Block were bona fide crossover media superstars, appearing not just on MTV and the cover of Tiger Beat, but in their own comic books, Saturday morning cartoon show and line of action figures. Alas, their popularity was clearly waning by the time Nirvana hit it big, so the idea of someone - anyone, really - ponying up the moolah to make a licensed Nintendo game based on the group would sorta' be the modern day equivalent of Microsoft or Sony paying millions of dollars to make a Foster the People first person shooter or a Gotye go-kart simulator. 

How close was it to being released? Well, we do know that Parker Brothers (yes, the same guys who gave us Monopoly and Battleship) owned the NKOTB license, and apparently, they were far along enough in the process to start mass manufacturing prototype game boxes. As far as digital proof the game ever got off the drawing board, however, we've got absolutely nada: no screen shots, no ROM files, nuttin. 

Would we have wanted to play it? It depends. If the game was a wacky action-platformer a'la Moonwalker, I'd say it's worth at least one playthrough (if nothing else, just to hear "The Right Stuff" in chip tune.) But had it been a collection of Journey-esque mini-games? Eh, I'd prefer not getting my hands on virtual Marky Mark and his Funky Bunch (which, believe it or not, actually did inspire a Sega CD game, which, unsurprisingly, sucked a lot of dick.)

Game Five:

Police Academy 

What made it insane? Often described as "the Friday the 13th of comedy franchises," the Police Academy films are largely considered nothing more than chintzy, throwaway 1980s junk culture. Somehow, someway, the series nonetheless managed to inspire its own syndicated cartoon in the early '90s, complete with its own action figures and comic books. The NES game, rather wisely, would have tied into the animated program rather than the increasingly irritating string of groan-inducing live-action films (I mean, Mission to Moscow? The fuck?) 

How close was it to being released? Close enough that we've got several screenshots available to let us know just how much of a Super Mario Bros. clone it would have been. Although there are no playable ROMs I am aware of, the gameplay stills suggest Tengen were pretty deep into the development cycle, although it's not clear whether the game was anywhere close to going beyond the beta stage before it got ix-nayed. 

Would we have wanted to play it? Eh, not really. Judging from the screengrabs, it looked like a very, very uninspired hop-and-bopper, complete with aesthetics yanked straight out of Nintendo's most venerated series. The inclusion of a timer in one photo, however, suggest the game may have had some sort of "speedrun" element, which at the time, was fairly uncommon for genre games, especially on the NES. Still, from the looks of it, this was destined to be a wholly unremarkable game, no matter how you slice it. 

Game Six:

Rodan 

What made it insane? Making a game based on Godzilla circa 1989 kinda sorta makes sense. It was an obscurer license than most, but what kid via hadn't heard of who and what Godzilla was? Fellow Toho kaiju Rodan had a much lower Q Score with the general public, and presumably, most children would have no idea what the hell that crappy looking chicken-demon on the game box was supposed to be, anyway. 

How close was it to being released? No clue. Pretty much the only evidence we have that the game was in production was the fact that it was listed as an upcoming product in the instructional manual for the first Godzilla game on the console. To the best of my knowledge, no screen shots or other audiovisual proof that the game was ever even in the prototype phase have yet to be made public.

Would we have wanted to play it? Well, there is a pretty good chance we already did. Godzilla 2: War of the Monsters, was released in 1992 for the NES, and odds are, that's the game Rodan eventually evolved into. As to whether Rodan, conceptually, would have played more like the Advanced Wars-style sequel or the hybrid board game\sidescroller original, however, we'll likely never know.  

Game Seven:

Twin Peaks

What made it insane? Dude, somebody at least mulled the idea of turning David Lynch's notoriously weird soap opera into an 8-bit video game. Explaining why that's strange is like having to explain why water's wet, fire's hot or why the Nostalgia Critic needs to be punched in the face. 

How close was it to being released? Well, what we do know is that Hi-Tech Expressions held the rights to the license, and they intended to release the 8-bit adaptation of the quirky ABC hit sometime in 1991. Although news of the game was printed in mags like GamePro and Nintendo Power, not as much as a single screenshot has ever surfaced, however. 

Would we have wanted to play it? Considering how nutty the TV show was - remember, this is a program that featured a backwards-talking dwarf as a primary character - it would have been, well, interesting, to see how the software company would have tried to recreate the utter weirdness of the property. I'm guessing it would have been a point-and-click adventure type game a'la Maniac Mansion or Shadowgate, which means it had a halfway decent shot at being a solid genre game. But had this thing been adapted as a platformer, or a traditional RPG? Yeah, it likely would've sucked something fierce. Alas, it's not like that many David Lynch properties have even been considered for the video game treatment, and for that reason alone, it probably would've been worth experiencing ... if nothing else, as build-up for that dream Eraserhead gem dropping puzzler on the Game Gear we always wanted.

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