LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play Coverage From Week 15's Raiders vs. Cowboys Game!

This Week's Episode:

"Seriously ... win or GTFO"

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo X

It's It's that time of year again, folks! As is the tradition here at The Internet Is In America, we're going to do our damnedest to give you LIVE play-by-play coverage of every single Oakland Raiders game of the season, including tonight's homestand against Dallas. Join us LIVE on Sunday, Dec. 17 for our patented possession-by-possession coverage of week 15's Raiders vs. Cowboys game, with the festivities beginning at 8 p.m. Eastern time. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff. And, as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#SilverAndBlackLivesMatter)

11:43 a.m. - Tonight's game is a primetime affair that will be starting around 8:30 P.M. 

11:44 a.m. - The Raiders are 6-7 and have to run the table and if they want even an outside shot of making the playoffs. The Cowboys are 7-6 and have to run the table and then get some help to sneak their way into the postseason. So, yeah, both of these teams are pretty much fighting for their livelihoods here, with the loser essentially eliminated from the playoffs race.

11:46 a.m. - For the Raiders, Amari Cooper and Clive Walford are both scratches. Cory James and Obi Melifonwu are on the I.R., and David Amerson is doubtful.

11:47 a.m. - The Cowboys will be without Justin Durant and Brice Butler. James Hanna, Tyron Smith and La'el Collins are all listed as questionable. And, of course, Ezekiel Elliot is still suspended. 

11:48 a.m. - Vegas has the Cowboys listed as -3 favorites, with the over/under set at 46.5. Oddly enough, ESPN's Football Power Index gives the Raiders a 52 percent chance to win tonight's homestand.

11:50 a.m. - And here are the relevant season offensive and defensive stats:

11:52 a.m. - Anyhoo, we'll be seeing you again closer to gametime. Enjoy your Sunday, kids, and I'll be catching you on the other side around 8 p.m. Eastern.

8:25 p.m. - So is that Carrie Underwood doing the opening Sunday Night Football theme? Man, that one country musing singing asshole is crazy as shit to leave her for Gwen Stefani. 

8:26 p.m. - Per Chris Collinsworth, the biggest problem with the Raiders this season is that they "don't know who they are." Which is a funny way of saying "the secondary is shit and our receivers are allergic to holding onto the ball."

8:32 p.m. - Mario Edwards, Jr. is out for the Raiders, too. The Cowboys are getting the ball first.

8:32 p.m. - Cowboys starting at their own 25 yard line.

8:33 p.m. - Williams holds onto the ball to move the chains.

8:34 p.m. - Morris runs it for about five yards up the gut.

8:34 p.m. - There's Williams with another first down reception. But a flag is down. It's pass interference against Dallas.

8:35 p.m. - Second and 15. Morris finds a hole and gets a 16-yard gain for a new set of downs.

8:36 p.m. - Witten is wide open and he makes the catch for 12.

8:36 p.m. - Morris goes down around the line of scrimmage.

8:37 p.m. - Prescott's under pressure and the pass to Witten is no good.

8:38 p.m. - Third and 10. INTERCEPTED BY SEAN SMITH!

8:41 p.m. - Marshawn runs for about nine on first down.

8:41 p.m. - Marshawn loses three on second down.

8:42 p.m. - Third and five. The pass to Crabtree is no good. And just like that - the Raiders have to punt it away.

8:43 p.m. - The punt lands around the DAL 30.

8:46 p.m. - Morris runs for about seven.

8:46 p.m. - Second and four. Brown hauls it in to move the sticks.

8:47 p.m. - Prescott scrambles and slides for close to a five yard gain.

8:47 p.m. - The fullback pushes it to the OAK 41 for another set of downs.

8:48 p.m. - Morris takes it inside the OAK 30 on a 12-yard run. He is killing it up the gut tonight.

8:49 p.m. - And Morrow drops Morris behind the line for a loss of three yards.

8:49 p.m. - Second and 13. Smith gets pushed out of bounds after a five yard reception.

8:50 p.m. - Third and 8. Morrow chases Prescott down and Dak has to dump it. Fourth down approaches.

8:51 p.m. - Dallas goes for a 45-yard field goal attempt. It's good. Dallas leads it, 3-0, with five minutes left in the first quarter.

8:55 p.m. - Raiders start this next drive at their own 25. 

8:56 p.m. - Neutral zone infraction against Dallas gives the Raiders five free yards.

8:56 p.m. - Jared Cook is very, very close to a first down haul.

8:56 p.m. - Second and one. Lynch goes down two yards behind the line of scrimmage. Flags are down.

8:57 p.m. - Donald Penn is down, and he looks severely injured.

9:00 p.m. - Third and three. Michael Crabtree drops it. Vadal Alexander is filling in the leftside gap for Penn.

9:02 p.m. - Raiders punt it away.

This guy's face sums up the season about as well as any numbers could.

9:03 p.m. - Rod Smith gets hit right at the line on first down.

9:04 p.m. - Hannah catches it down at the OAK 20. A 31-yard pick-up.

9:06 p.m. - Smith gets stuffed at the line.

9:07 p.m. - Play action pass, and the Cowboys take it inside the OAK 5. And that's the end of the first.

9:10 p.m. - Prescott scrambles and gets tackled at the four yard line.

9:10 p.m. - Second and goal. And Sean Smith gets flagged for pass interference.

9:11 p.m. - Dallas gets a new set of downs at the OAK 1.

9:11 p.m. - And Smith barrels into the end zone for a touchdown.

9:12 p.m. - The XP is good. With 14 minutes left in the second quarter, the Cowboys lead it 10-0.

9:15 p.m. - Patterson has a good punt return, but flags are down.

9:16 p.m. - Yep, it's two holding calls against the Raiders.

9:17 p.m. - Lynch gets maybe a yard on the run. Another flag is down.

9:17 p.m. - Holding against the Raiders.

9:18 p.m. - First and 15. ANOTHER FLAG IS DOWN.

9:18 p.m. - False start against Oakland. I'm pretty sure that puts them at their own 1 yard line now.

9:19 p.m. - Richard hauls it in at the OAK 12.

9:19 p.m. - Second and seven. The deep shot to Crabtree downfield in triple coverage is no good. Shit, we're lucky that one wasn't picked off.

9:20 p.m. - Third and seven. And Carr scrambles and slides to FINALLY get this offense a first down.

9:21 p.m. - Carr tosses the ball to the ground because everybody's covered.

9:22 p.m. - Second and 10. Lynch runs for about five yards.

9:22 p.m. - Third and five. Crabtree catches the ball, fumbles it, and thankfully, recovers the pigskin for a few extra yards.

9:23 p.m. - Patterson hit for a four-yard loss on an end-around.

9:24 p.m. - Second and 14. Lynch with about five on a pitch and catch.

9:25 p.m. - Third and eight. Crabtree hauls it in, but he looks like he's a yard short of the first down marker.

9:25 p.m. - Fourth and one, and King is out to punt. The Cowboys fair catch it at their own 10.

9:29 p.m. - Second and 10. Morris goes down behind the line for a one yard loss.

9:30 p.m. - Third and 11. Mack almost sacks Prescott in the end zone and Dak throws it away. And the Raiders' D gets hit with a holding call.

9:31 p.m. - First and 10 for Dallas. The Raiders take a timeout.

9:32 p.m. - MACK SACKS PRESCOTT!

9:33 p.m. - Second and 15. Smith gets a very short gain on the run.

9:34 p.m. - Third and 12. And Witten hauls in the first down pass on a 13-yard pick up.

9:34 p.m. - Morris goes down at the line.

9:35 p.m. - Second and 10. Bowman drags down Morris after a one-yard gain.

9:36 p.m. - Third and nine. The pass is ALMOST intercepted by T.J. Carrie, but he can't hold on to it.

9:36 p.m. - Dallas punts. The Raiders fair catch it at their on 30 with about three minutes left in the second.

9:40 p.m. - Lynch runs for nine on first down.

9:40 p.m. - Second and one. Lynch gets hit right at the line.

9:40 p.m. - Third and one. Looks like Carr has enough on a QB sneak to move the chains.

9:44 p.m. - A deep shot to Crabtree falls short. A flag is down. It's offsides against Dallas.

9:44 p.m. - First and five. Lynch takes it to the DAL 45.

9:45 p.m. - Carr hits Crabtree for a nine yard gain.

9:45 p.m. - Second and 1 with 90 seconds left.

9:46 p.m. - Washington appears to have enough to convert.

9:46 p.m. - Roberts with a five yard gain, but he doesn't get out of bounds.

9:47 p.m. - Washington takes it to the DAL 30. And the Raiders call a timeout.

9:49 p.m. - Carr is hit as he's thrown and the pass to Patterson is incomplete.

9:50 p.m. - Second and 10 with 21 seconds left in the half.

9:51 p.m. - Cook takes it to the DAL 11. The Raiders take their last timeout of the half.

9:52 p.m. - Fourteen seconds left. COOK HAULS IN THE TOUCHDOWN!

9:52 pm. - Oh fuck, there's a flag down. Pass interference against the Raiders for negative ten yards.

9:52 p.m. - Carr getting chased down in the backfield. He tosses it out of bounds with three seconds left on the clock.

9:54 p.m. - Here comes Giorgio. And it's no fucking good.

So you're saying we've got a chance, huh?

9:54 p.m. - That's the end of the second quarter, kids. Dallas leads it 10-0, but the Raiders will get the ball back to begin the third.

9:56 p.m. - Time to walk a puppy. See you back here in about 20, folks.

10:08 p.m. - Patterson appears to have a 100 yard kickoff return, but two flags are down in the backfield.

10:10 p.m. - Of course it's against Oakland. So they get pinned back to their own 10.

10:10 p.m. - Lynch with a 12 yard run. Well, that's a positive, at least.

10:10 p.m. - LOL at Collinsworth talking about the Raiders having a shitty play-action game. And sure enough, Lynch gets gobbled up behind the line of scrimmage as soon as he says it.

10:11 p.m. - Second and 12. Lynch with an eight yard catch.

10:12 p.m. - Third and four. Flags are down before the line is snapped. False start against the Raiders.

10:13 p.m. - Third and nine. And Washington fights his way to move the sticks.

10:13 p.m. - Damn, do I LOVE the Madden Cam. I wish that was the default camera POV the whole game.

10:14 p.m. - Second and eight. Lynch gets a yard, maybe two on the run up the gut.

10:15 p.m. - Third and six. And Carr runs for 32 yards downfield. Whew!

10:16 p.m. - Play action. Crabtree doesn't hold on to the pigskin.

10:16 p.m. - Second and 10 at the DAL 20. Lynch barrels it inside the DAL 5. A 19 yard gain.

10:17 p.m. - First and goal at the DAL 2. TOUCHDOWN MICHAEL CRABTREE! They went 90 yards on 11 plays and ate up almost seven minutes of gametime.

10:18 p.m. - The XP is good. It's 10-7, Dallas, with eight minutes left in the third quarter.

10:21 p.m. - The Dallas return man gets waylaid at the Cowboys' 15.

10:21 p.m. - Morris gets a yard. Maybe.

10:22 p.m. - Second and nine. Another incompletion.

10:23 p.m. - Third and nine. SEAN SMITH INTERCEPTS THE BALL AND RETURNS IT FOR A TD!

10:23 p.m. - Never mind. The INT stands, but Smith is ruled down by contact back at the OAK 22. 

10:26 p.m. - Incomplete to Crabtree in the end zone.

10:27 p.m. - Second and 10. Lynch can't get beyond the line of scrimmage.

10:28 p.m. - Third and nine. The pass to Washington is dropped.

10:29 p.m. - Giorgio is out for the game-tying field goal.

10:30 p.m. - It's a 39-yarder. And it's good. We've got a tied ball game with about six minutes left in the third.

10:32 p.m. - Cowboys take over at their own 25. Morris gets two on the first down run.

10:33 p.m. - Second and eight. PRESCOTT GETS SACKED BY MACK AGAIN!

10:34 p.m. - Third and 11. And Beasley can't hold on to the rock. Dallas must punt.

10:35 p.m. - And Chris Jones takes it to the DAL 48 on a fake punt. Well, don't they beat all.

10:35 p.m. - And the follow-up flea flicker results in an incomplete deep downfield.

10:36 p.m. - Second and 10. Prescott's throw to Witten is way underthrown. A flag is down.

10:37 p.m. - Pass interference against the Raiders.

10:38 p.m. - Witten takes it to the OAK 40.

10:38 p.m. - Second and three. Smith runs it up the gut to convert.

10:39 p.m. - The pass to Bryant is incomplete. Flags are down.

10:39 p.m. - Holding against the Cowboys puts 'em back ten yards.

10:40 p.m. - First and 20. Wait - how the fuck is it first and goal now? My feed just skipped ahead two whole minutes!

10:41 p.m. - And Prescott runs into the end zone for a rushing score. They went 75 yards on 11 plays.

10:42 p.m. - And the XP is good. Dallas regain the lead, 17-0, with a minute left in the third.

10:45 p.m. - And Patterson runs all the way up to midfield before fumbling the ball out of bounds. That means the Raiders start their next drive at their own 48.

10:48 p.m. - The first down pass is incomplete to Cook.

10:49 p.m. - Second and 10. Crabtree goes nowhere after hauling in a short catch. And that's all she wrote for the third quarter.

10:52 p.m. - Third and nine. AND ROBERTS HOLDS ON TO IT AFTER A DEFLECTION FOR A 28-YARD GAIN!

10:53 p.m. - Dallas is challenging whether or not Roberts maintained possession.

10:56 p.m. - THE CALL STANDS AND DALLAS LOSES A TIMEOUT.

10:56 p.m. - Lynch rumbles for four yards.

10:56 p.m. - Second and six. Lee Smith gets three yards.

10:57 p.m. - Third and three. And Crabtree hauls it in to move the sticks.

10:58 p.m. - False start against the Raiders makes it first and 15.

10:59 p.m. - Lynch breaks a tackle and gets about six yards.

11:00 p.m. - Second and 10. Shit, Roberts ALMOST had the TD.

11:00 p.m. - Flags are down. It's illegal contact against the Cowboys. The Raiders get an automatic first down.

11:01 p.m. - First and goal at the DAL 8. The end zone shot to Crabtree is way overthrown.

11:02 p.m. - Second and goal. Lynch rumbles down to the DAL 2.

11:02 p.m. - Third and goal. Holy shit, what a time for the feed to freeze up.

...when your season is literally lost by the width of a goddamn index card.

11:04 p.m. - TOUCHDOWN MICHAEL CRABTREE! The XP is good, and it's all knotted up again, 17-17.

11:05 p.m. - Dallas takes over at their own 25.

11:07 p.m. - Bryant loses four yards on a terrible end-around attempt.

11:08 p.m. - Second and 14. Prescott runs for eight, but flags are down in the backfield.

11:09 p.m. - A ten yard holding call against Dallas.

11:09 p.m. - Second and 24. Smith gets - eight, I guess?

11:10 p.m. - Third and 18. Beasley catches it about two yards shy of the first down marker.

11:10 p.m. - Cowboys punt. The ball goes out of bounds around the OAK 20. Flags are down.

11:11 p.m. - Ten yard holding penalty against the Raiders.

11:14 p.m. - Carr almost sacked, but he manages to target Lynch for a short gain.

11:15 p.m. - Second and eight. Lynch runs for about four.

11:15 p.m. - Third and four. Cook drops what would've been a first down haul. Raiders have to punt.

11:16 p.m. - The Cowboys' return man goes out of bounds near the DAL 30.

11:20 p.m. - The pass to Bryant is no good.

11:20 p.m. - Second and 10. Morris gets hit behind the line.

11:20 p.m. - Third and 10. Witten looks like he may have picked up the first down.

11:21 p.m. - Yep, it's ruled a first down. Now the Raiders are challenging the spot of the ball.

11:22 p.m. - Looks like Witten was half a yard short on the replay.

11:23 p.m. - The call on the field is overturned. It's fourth down and half a yard for the Cowboys.

11:24 p.m. - Prescott goes for a sneak. He may have come up short.

11:25 p.m. - The referees used an index card to measure the spot. The refs say they got the first down by like a centimeter.

11:26 p.m. - Cowboys at midfield. Morris runs for two.

11:27 p.m. - Second and eight. Bryant hauls the catch inside the OAK 10.

11:29 p.m. - Second and goal. And that's the two minute warning.

11:32 p.m. - Morris is half a yard short. Raiders call a timeout.

11:33 p.m. - Third and goal. And Morris is stopped four inches shy of end zone.

11:34 p.m. - Raiders take their second timeout.

11:34 p.m. - Fourth and goal. The Cowboys come out for a field goal.

11:34 p.m. - The kick is good. Dallas takes back the lead, 20-17, with 1:44 left in regulation.

11:35 p.m. - Patterson goes out around the OAK 30. Flags are down.

11:37 p.m. - It's against the Raiders. That costs them 10 yards.

11:37 p.m. - The pass to Roberts is batted away.

11:38 p.m. - Roberts holds on to it at the OAK 30. A 19-yard gain.

11:39 p.m. - The pass to Crabtree is no good.

11:39 p.m. - Crabtree is overthrown.

How long is the distance between utter despair and the will to live? Three feet, apparently.

11:40 p.m. - Third and 10. 1:05 left on the clock. Almost picked off.

11:40 p.m. - Fourth and 10. This is the season, kids.

11:40 p.m. - The deep shot to Crabtree is no good but FLAGS ARE EVERYWHERE.

11:41 p.m. - PASS INTERFERENCE AGAINST DALLAS. That puts the Raiders at the Dallas 10. That gave them 55 free yards.

11:42 p.m. - Second and three. It's knocked out of Crabtree's hands. 

11:43 p.m. - Dallas take an injury timeout.

11:44 p.m. - Third and three. Thirty-nine seconds left.

11:44 p.m. - Carr scrambles, he goes down at the one ... and then he fumbles out of the endzone for a goddamn touchback.

11:46 p.m. - It's being reviewed. The touchback is confirmed. And the Cowboys will run out the clock.

11:49 p.m. - The Cowboys win 20-17. The Raiders fall to 6-8, and their season is officially over, two games early.

11:50 p.m. - See you next year, Raiders' faithful. Here's hoping 2018 is a damn sight better than 2017.

Read More

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 14!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

This Week's Episode:

"It's All Over But the Cryin'"

THE ELITES

#01

Philadelphia Eagles (11-2)

Season Point Differential: +154

Oh, goodness. Although the Eagles secured the 43-35 victory over the Rams (in what might be the most thrilling regular season game all year long), they lost something much more important went Carson Wentz (23 for 41, 291 yards, 4 TDs, 1 INT) exited the game with a torn ACL - an injury that will sideline him for the remainder of the season and postseason. Which, naturally, gives us the million dollar question: can backup QB Nick Foles play this generation's Jeff Hostetler, or are the high-flying Eagles destined to get poached come the first week of January?

#02

Pittsburgh Steelers (11-2)

Season Point Differential: +69

It came down to the wire, but the Steelers nonetheless managed to stave off Baltimore 39-38 thanks to Chris Boswell's 46-yard field goal with 42 seconds left on the clock. The victory officially gives the Steelers this year's AFC North crown - and with the Pats getting upset by the Dolphins, at least a week-long stay atop the very apex of the AFC standings. And hey, what do you know - the Pats just so happen to be visiting Pittsburgh this weekend. What are the odds, huh?

#03

New England Patriots (10-3)

Season Point Differential: +118

Tom Brady went 24 for 43 for 233 yards, one touchdown and TWO interceptions in the Patriots' upset loss against the Dolphins last Monday night. Even worse, they could only muster a piss poor 25 rushing yards all game, while their defense allowed Miami to rack up 120 yards on the ground and let Jay freakin' Cutler torch 'em for 263 yards and three scores. And even more amazing, the Pats went an astounding 0-11 on third down conversions - and nope, I have no explanation for that one, neither.

#04

Minnesota Vikings (10-3)

Season Point Differential: +74

Case Keenum (27 for 44, 280 yards) went 2-and-2 on TDs-to-INTs, as his Vikes succumbed to the Panthers 31-24 Sunday. Once again, Adam Thielen had a hell of a game, wrapping up the contest with 105 yards and one touchdown on six receptions, but a good goddamn did Minnesota hunch the proverbial pooch when it came to the run game. They let Carolina outpace them on the ground 216 yards to 100 - with back Jonathan Stewart torching 'em for no less than three touchdowns.

#05

Los Angeles Rams (9-4)

Season Point Differential: +131

With ten minutes to go in the fourth, the Rams held a narrow 35-34 lead over the Eagles. Alas, a 33 yard field goal from Jake Elliot gave Philly the two-point pad, and Brandon Graham's 16-yard fumble recovery for a TD officially put the game away. Still, the tandem of Jared Goff and Todd Gurley looked pretty good - the former finished the game with 199 yards and two touchdown passes while the latter wrapped up the game with 96 yards and two end zone visitations.

#06

Jacksonville Jaguars (9-4)

Season Point Differential: +127

The Jaguars held on to win a close one against the Seahawks Sunday, just narrowly escaping the home stand with a 30-24 victory. Blake Bortles went 18 for 27 for 268 yards, two touchdown passes and no interceptions, as no-name receivers Keenan Cole and Dede Westbrook combined for 180 yards and two touchdowns apiece. And of course, Leonard Fournette turned in another strong showing, carrying the rock 24 times for 101 yards and one touchdown run.

#07

New Orleans Saints (9-4)

Season Point Differential: +107

Drew Brees (26 for 35, 271 yards, two touchdowns) made a valiant comeback attempt, but ultimately his only interception of the game - lobbed into the arms of Deion Jones with less than 90 seconds left in regulation - wound up costing New Orleans the W against Atlanta last Thursday night. Another intriguing side note for 20-17 loss was the rushing game discrepancies; while Atlanta easily posted 132 on the ground, the Saints struggled to accumulate just 50 yards running the rock. 

#08

Carolina Panthers (9-4)

Season Point Differential: +38

Cam Newton (13 for 25, 137 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, plus 70 rushing yards) had a pretty forgettable day, but running back Jonathan Stewart sure didn't last Sunday against Minnesota. At the final horn he had 103 yards and THREE touchdowns off 16 carries, including the game-winning, one-yard saunter that broke a 24-24 deadlock with less than two minutes in the fourth quarter. Also looking pretty sharp for the Panthers? Receiver Devin Funchess, who wrapped up the game with 59 yards and a TD on three hauls.

Well, if you're gonna get ejected from a football game, you might as well try to fist fight 50 people before you head back to the showers.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

#09
Seattle Seahawks (8-5)

Season Point Differential: +62

Well, there's some good news about Russell Wilson stemming from last Sunday's 30-24 loss to the Jags, and there's some bad news. The good news is that he had 271 passing yards on the day and three aerial touchdowns, in addition to 50 yards he collected with his cleats. The bad news? He also lobbed three interceptions in the losing bid, including two inadvertent completions to defender A.J. Bouye. 

#10

Atlanta Falcons (8-5)

Season Point Differential: +33

The Falcons chalked up a huge, potentially season-salvaging win Thursday night, besting arch-rivals New Orleans 20-17. Oddly enough, Atlanta managed to win the contest even with Matt Ryan turning in one of his worst performances of the season: he went 15 for 27 for 221 yards, one TD pass and three interceptions. Thank goodness they had Devonta Freeman (91 yards, one TD, 24 carries) around to bail out the sagging aerial offense, huh?

#11

Tennessee Titans (8-5)

Season Point Differential: -21

Marcus Mariota played like utter doo-doo in the Titans' 12-7 loss to the Cardinals Sunday. The former Oregon standout went 16 for 31 for 159 yards, zero TDs and two interceptions, in addition to getting sacked thrice for negative 20 yards. Tennessee's rushing game - on both sides of the ball - also underwhelmed, posting 65 yards themselves while allowing Arizona to trample 'em for 136 yards by game's end.

#12

Los Angeles Chargers (7-6)

Season Point Differential: +73

Not since Wounded Knee have the Redskins been so overwhelmed. In a fairly facile 30-13 win, Phil Rivers went 18 for 31 for 319 yards and two TD passes, with both Keenan Allen and Tyrell Williams posting reception yards north of 100. And Melvin Gordon looked fantastic setting the running game tempo, finishing the outing with 78 yards and one score on 22 touches.

#13

Baltimore Ravens (7-6)

Season Point Differential: +72

Talk about a bitter loss - not only did the Ravens piss away a 38-29 lead with less than six minutes in the fourth quarter, they ultimately allowed Pittsburgh to post ten more unanswered points en route to a come from behind 39-38 win last Sunday night. Joe Flacco (20 for 35, 269 yards, two TDs, one INT) looked decent enough, I suppose, but hoo-boy, does the Raven's pass defense suck the biggest of ding-dongs - shit, if they're gonna' let the fragments of what once was Big Ben roast 'em for 506 yards, just imagine what Tom Brady or Drew Brees could do to them?

#14

Kansas City Chiefs (7-6)

Season Point Differential: +40

The Chiefs got their first win in literally a month Sunday, besting their arch rivals Oakland 26-15 at home. Alex Smith went 20 for 34 for 268 yards, no touchdowns and one interception, with Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce combining for almost 150 yards as receivers. And Kareem Hunt had his best showing since early October, wrapping up the contest with 116 yards and one end zone visit on 25 carries.

#15

Dallas Cowboys (7-6)

Season Point Differential: +22

Although the Eagles have the NFC East locked up, that doesn't mean the Cowboys can't make a mad dash into the postseason. That's evident by the team's 30-10 win over the Giants, in which Dak Prescott went 20 for 30 for 332 yards and three touchdown strikes. And even without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield, Dallas still managed to post some pretty solid ground numbers, as Alfred Morris and Rod Smith tag-teamed it for about 100 yards (and Smith, by the way, also led all receivers in the game, with 113 yards and a score off five receptions.)

#16

Detroit Lions (7-6)

Season Point Differential: +9

It wasn't easy, but the Lions still squeaked past the Bucs last Sunday, 24-21. Matt Stafford went balls out lobbing the rock, ultimately wrapping up the affair 36 for 44 for 381 yards, one TD and two interceptions. If you gotta' give it to somebody, I'd suggest giving the game ball to running back Theo Riddick - not only did he muster 64 yards on six receptions, his two rushing touchdowns on 10 carries for 29 yards pretty much kept Detroit out of upset mode.

It's so nice to see the Buffalo Bills temporarily relishing the opportunity to forget they're the Buffalo Bills ...

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

#17

Green Bay Packers (7-6)

Season Point Differential: -17

Believe it or not, the Browns managed to take Green Bay to overtime over the weekend - where Brett Hundley's 25-yard zip to Davante Adams sealed the 27-21 victory in extra innings. Despite Brett Hundley racking up 265 yards and three touchdowns, we've more than likely seen the last of him in yellow and green - I mean, Aaron Rodgers is expected to return to action this Sunday.

#18

Buffalo Bills (7-6)

Season Point Differential: -50

The Bills kept their longshot playoffs aspirations alive with Sunday's 13-7 win over the Colts - which just so happened to transpire during the middle of a freaking blizzard. Obviously, passing yardage was at a premium in the contest, but you HAVE to give props to back LeSean McCoy, who pretty much was the Bills' offense, collecting 156 yards and one touchdown on 32 carries. And in case you were wondering - yes, Nathan Peterman did somehow manage to lob one TD pass in the game. Like I said ... somehow.

#19

Oakland Raiders (6-7)

Season Point Differential: -40

The Raiders did Jack Shit for three quarters against the Chiefs Sunday, but they almost had the mad comeback completed before a deflection off Johny Holton resulted in a game-closing INT for the Chiefs. In the 26-15 loss, Derek Carr went 24 for 41 for 211 yards, one TD and two interceptions, with Jared Cook leading the receivers corps with 75 yards on five catches. And, as always, you can relive the misery and dejection of the defeat anytime you want right here - you sick, callous motherfucker, you.

#20

Miami Dolphins (6-7)

Season Point Differential: -82

It only took, I don't know, ten or so years, but Jay Cutler FINALLY got a win over the Patriots Sunday night. The Dolphins QB lobbed three touchdown passes in the 27-20 win, with Kenyan Drake collecting 79 yards on five receptions plus another 114 yards running the rock. And for the rest of his goddamn life Xavien Howard is going to be telling everybody about that time he intercepted Tom Brady twice in the same game - and rightfully so.

#21 

Arizona Cardinals (6-7)

Season Point Differential: -86

The Cardinals secured a pretty big upset win against the Titans Sunday, besting Tennessee 12-7 in a game that was about as exciting as watching grass dry. With A.P. out of action, Kerwynn Williams did a pretty decent job carrying the run game (73 yards on 20 carries), but holy hell, did THE BLAINE GABBERT have a nightmare of a game. Sure, he did go 17 for 26 for 178 yards, but he also got sacked EIGHT times for a cumulative minus 53 yards. All I can say is that motherfucker must be guzzling the Goody's headache powder right about now ...

#22

New York Jets (5-8)

Season Point Differential: -45

As evident by the 23-0 final score, the Jets didn't even bother showing up for their road game against the Broncos. And no, that isn't just artistic hyperbole, these motherfuckers didn't do anything on offense. At the final horn, N.Y. posted just 59 yards running the ball and an even more pathetic 41 yards passing the pigskin - shit, are we sure that wasn't the Giants cosplaying as the Jets over the weekend?

#23

Cincinnati Bengals (5-8)

Season Point Differential: -45

The Bengals pretty much eliminated themselves from postseason contention when they got drubbed 33-7 by the Bears Sunday. Andy Dalton had a ho-hum day (14 for 29 for 141 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio) and backup QB AJ McCarron hardly played any better, finishing the game 4 for 8 for 47 yards. At least back Giovani Benard had a decent showing in his team's otherwise miserable performance - he had 62 yards on 11 carries and 68 yards as a receiver.

#24

Washington Redskins (5-8)

Season Point Differential: -59

The Redskins just couldn't get anything going against the Chargers Sunday. In a 30-13 loss, Kirk Cousins could only muster a disappointing 151 yards on 15 completions, which came with a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. And the running game just flat out sucked; at the final horn, Washington had just 65 yards on the ground, while their defense allowed the Chargers to stomp all over 'em to the tune of 174 yards.

Note to Tom Savage's kids: this is why scientists will end up taking your daddy's brains when he dies.

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

#25

Houston Texans (4-9)

Season Point Differential: -23

Pretty much the only thing Sunday's 26-16 loss to the Niners will be remembered for is the vicious hit that had Tom Savage LITERALLY knocked retarded for a couple of seconds. As in, he was making the little special ed claw with his hands and everything. Alas, the NFL being the stewards of safety they are, allowed Savage to exit concussion protocol and re-enter the game just two plays later. Hope the Savage brood saved a copy of the game to their DVR - something tells me you'll be needing it for the inevitable wrongful death suit you'll be filing in 20 years' time.

#26

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-9)

Season Point Differential: -48

Down 21-7 entering the fourth quarter, Tampa Bay nonetheless managed to tie the game by the time the clock hit 8:05. Alas, Detroit still managed to notch a game-winning 46-yard field goal with only 20 seconds left in regulation, thus ensuring T.B. would fall 24-21. Oh well - at least Jameis Winston looked fairly decent, going 26 for 38 for 285 yards, two touchdowns and two interceptions.

#27

Chicago Bears (4-9)

Season Point Differential: -50

The Bears turned in their best performance of the season Sunday, throttling the Bengals 33-7 on the road. Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky went 25 for 32 for 271 yards and one TD pass, with Kendall Wright wrapping up the game with 107 yards on ten receptions. And Jordan Howard ruled the gridiron, collecting two touchdowns and 147 yards on 23 carries.

#28

Denver Broncos (4-9)

Season Point Differential: -86

The Broncos finally got to experience what "not losing" feels like after besting the Jets 23-0 over the weekend. Trevor Siemian went 19 for 31 for 200 yards, one touchdown and no interceptions, with receiver Demaryius Thomas wrapping up the game with 93 yards and one end zone visit on eight catches. And the defense, obviously, came up big time, holding the Jets to just 100 yards of total offense all game long.

#29

San Francisco 49ers (3-10)

Season Point Differential: -86

The Niners' win late season win streak continued with Sunday's 26-16 victory over the Texans. Jimmy Garoppolo went 20 for 33 for 334 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, with Marquise Goodwin hauling in six catches for 106 yards and one end zone trip. And Carlos Hyde looked quite solid as well, finishing the outing with 78 yards and a score on 14 carries.

#30

Indianapolis Colts (3-10)

Season Point Differential: -113

In a snow-blanketed road trip, the Colts ultimately succumbed to the Bills 13-7 Sunday. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett went 11 for 22 for 69 yards and one TD pass, while Frank Gore carried the rock for 130 yards on 36 carries. And for those of you who STILL hold a grudge against the 2001-2002 Patriots, you'll be happy to know that Adam Vinatieri schtoinked both his field goal attempts in the contest.

#31

New York Giants (2-11)

Season Point Differential: -122

No, the Giants didn't really play any better with Eli Manning back under center. After letting Geno Smith fuck things up last week, the Last Remaining Manning went 31 for 46 for 228 yards, one TD and two interceptions in a 30-10 loss to the Cowboys. Unsurprisingly, the G-Men's rushing attack was anything but inspired; Wayne Gallman led the running back committee with 59 yards on 12 carries - with zero touchdowns, naturally.

#32

Cleveland Browns (0-13)

Season Point Differential: -138

Although Cleveland played well enough to take last Sunday's game against Green Bay to O.T., of course they'd naturally fuck up and drop the contest 27-21. This, after heading into the fourth quarter with a 21-7 lead - which they squandered in the final 15 minute of play and ultimately relinquished via a terrible DeShone Kizer interception in overtime. Shit, and here I was about to give the kid a pat on the back for his 20 for 28, three touchdown performance ...

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