My LIVE Play-By-Play for Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals

Relive the Kings’ Cup-Clinching Victory Through the Eyes of A Stereotypical American Hockey Fan!

07:21 PM EST - Well, here we are, with about half an hour until game six of the 2012 Stanley Cup Finals kicks off. Hey, remember about a week ago, when everybody was talking about the Kings being one of the most unstoppable teams in NHL history, an offensive and defensive juggernaut that could kick the ‘88 Oilers asses from pillar to post? Well, after we’ve all had a full week to reconsider such lofty praise…um, yeah, we could have been just a tad premature with our acclaim. Just a little.

07:31 PM EST - As before, I’m doing the live play-by-play recap using the CBC Sports live stream feed. Yeah, I could watch the thing on NBC, but what can I say? I’m a hockey purist. And also: I don’t own a TV set.

07:34 PM EST - Trying to get the Scotiabank Hockey Tonight feed going, but to no avail. Thankfully, that gives me all the time in the world to read about Canada’s chances against Honduras in some World Cup qualifiers in the Twitter feed sidebar on the Hockey Night in Canada website. In related news, Canada knows what soccer is?

07:39 PM EST - Tonight’s DIDJA KNOW: The Devils have the opportunity tonight to become the first NHL team in seven decades to overcome a 3-0 deficit in the Stanley Cup Finals. How long ago was that, you may be wondering? It was so long ago that not only was World War II still going on, but the Toronto Maple Leafs were still considered relevant.

07:47 PM EST - Talk about symmetry: Anze Kopitar and Ilya Kovalchuk have the exact same number of goals (8) and points (19) heading into game six. That, and they’re the same height (6’3), too. I wonder if that means the Kopitars and the Kovalchuks had the same mailman?

08:03 PM EST - Man, is that CBC website interstitial music pimping or what?

08:09 PM EST - Holy shit, is it just me, or does Daryl Sutter sound  just like John Rambo?

08:11 PM EST - Don Cherry and Metric, in the same building, at the exact same time? If this doesn’t conclude with Michael Cera having a Mortal Kombat fight with somebody’s evil ex-boyfriend, I’m going to be sorely disappointed.

08:15 PM EST - Just a reminder: the team that has scored first has won every single game in this series. That’s probably an important thing to remember, I think.

08:18 PM EST - Favorite fan sign of the night: “History in the MaKINGS.” Get it? Because it’s all misspelled and shit.

08:20 PM EST - And performing the National Anthem tonight? Some chick wearing about eight liquid tons of lipgloss. Somebody be sure to mop up the ice after she’s finished singing.


08: 22 PM EST - Puck officially drops. Kings with a few shots, but nothing happening early.

08:26 PM EST - Kings swarming on Brodeur. And now they’ve got a PP coming up.

08:30 PM EST - Brodeur looking pretty good so far tonight. If anything gets toward Quick, I will let you know how he handles it.

08: 34 PM EST - About 14 minutes left in the first period. LA and NJ both have three shots on goal a piece.

08:38 PM EST - Kings threatening with a wraparound. Brodeur has been getting mugged all night so far.

Pictured: How the Kings won the Stanley Cup.

08:39 PM EST - Rob Scuderi gets absolutely smashed against the boards by Bernier. That’s 5 minutes for boarding right there.

08:43 PM EST - Officials still scraping blood off the ice from that last hit. And Bernier gets a game misconduct. Kings with a five minute power play as a result.

08:45 PM EST - KINGS SCORE! Dustin Brown puts L.A. on the scoreboard first. Doughty and Richards with assists. And Los Angeles with four minutes left in the PP.

08:47 PM EST - KINGS SCORE AGAIN! Jeff Carter with an assist from Mike Richards and Dustin Brown. Kings STILL have about two minutes left on the PP.

08:50 PM EST - Well, looks like Steve Bernier’s kids are getting moved to another school system…

08:51 PM EST - KINGS SCORE! Hell, why not get another goal on the PP? Trevor Lewis, with an assist from Doughty and the ironically named Dwight King to put LA up 3-0.

08:53 PM EST - WHATEVER’S LEFT OF ROB SCUDERI’S FACE FOR THE CONN SMYTHE!

08:58 PM EST - Well, not that it really matters at this point, but the Kings are outgunning the Devils with 13 shots on goal to 4 at this point. And as far as penalty minutes go? Good God…

09:01 PM EST - And that’s it for the first period. In what has to be a new all-time record, the Devils racked up an absolutely unfathomable 17 minutes of penalties in the last 20 minutes of play. If they keep this up, they’re going to have to change their nickname to the “Raiders.”

09:05 PM EST - Don Cherry to the youth of Canada: if you go in the corner like Scuderi, you DESERVE it.

09:09 PM EST - Don Cherry on Brodeur, Tim Thomas: you’re both chubby.

09:11 PM EST - Don Cherry to children the world over: don’t wear rings, because you might have your fingers sawed off while you play goalie.

09:20 PM EST - Second period begins.

09:22 PM EST - KINGS SCORE AGAIN! 4-0 Los Angeles, thanks to Jeff Carter. Brown and Kopitar credited with assists.

09:23 PM EST - Time out for a ref to get stitched up. And is it time for the Devils to bench Marty B?

09:28 PM EST - Did the Devils’ bus run over a gypsy en route to the Staples Center this afternoon? Absolutely everything seems to be going wrong for NJ tonight.

09:29 PM EST - And El Salvador gets 4 minutes for high sticking. Jesus Hernandez Christ.

09:36 PM EST - The Devils manage to weather the PP. Tonight’s shots-on-goal  ratio thus far? 18:5 in Los Angeles’ favor.

09:40 PM EST - Brawl in front of the Kings’ net following a stop from Quick. Looks like we have EVEN MORE penalty minutes for the Devils tonight. Ryan Carter gets 2 for roughing. Wait, that’s actually misconduct, so it looks like Sykora will play changeling for Carter’s sins.

Adam Henrique and Drew Doughty oversee a mad game of Twister in the second period.

09:47 PM EST - Less than two minutes to go in the second. Our updated shots on goal numbers? Kings 21, Devils 8.

09:48 PM EST - Gionta down on the ice. Looks like he get pegged in the face by his own man.

09:51 PM EST - DEVILS SCORE! Adam Henrique finally gets NJ on the scoreboard. Sykora credited with an assist as NJ comes within three of tying things up.

09:54 PM EST - Dustin Penner gets sent to the box. The period ends, so the Devils will be heading into the third with a man advantage.

09:56 PM EST - Well, I’m grabbing a sandwich real quick. I hope there’s still some avocado left in the fridge…

10:06 PM EST - Chalk this one up as an all-time classic in the crazy-ass Stanley Cup Finals stat book: the Devils have actually accumulated MORE penalty minutes than there have been actual minutes of play in the game so far.

10:13 PM EST - Third period begins, and the Devils are on the verge of a LEGENDARY comeback. Pending they can get three more pucks in the net over the next 20 minutes. Which, yeah, they can totally do, right?

10:16 PM EST - Kings kill the PP with little difficulty. Sort of like Lorena Bobbitt did a few years back.

10:22 PM EST - Less than 14 minutes to go. The shots on goal ratio has tightened from 22:12 in LA’s advantage.

10:25 PM EST - Dustin Brown gets 2 for tripping and Williams gets 2 for roughing. Sykora gets 2 for roughing.

10:28 PM EST - Zidlick gets sent to the box for tripping. There’s literally no more room for Devils players in the penalty booth now.

10:34 PM EST - Less than 8 minutes left in regulation. The Devils currently lead the Kings in penalty minutes, 47 to 6.

10:38 PM EST - You know, Matthew Broderick probably would have been better between the pipes tonight for NJ than Martin Brodeur. And I think we can all agree that David Beckham looks like the douchiest douche of all time with that haircut.

10:41 PM EST - Devils bench is looking, really, really crestfallen right now. And NJ pulls Brodeur with about four minutes left in the game.

10:43 PM EST - KINGS SCORE! Trevor Lewis with an empty netter. And that’s about all she wrote tonight in Southern Cal.

10:44 PM EST - KINGS SCORE AGAIN! Matt Greene, of all people, with an unassisted goal to make this one a 6-1 game.

10:47 PM EST -

10:48 PM EST - Ladies, and gentlemen, YOUR 2012 Stanley Cup Champions, THE LOS ANGELES KINGS!

10:52 PM EST - Looks like we’ve got our first Bettman sighting of the evening. Quick and Brodeur hug for our Kodak Moment of the series.

10:55 PM EST - Jonathan Quick named this year’s Conn-Smythe winner. And here comes Lord Stanley…

10:57 PM EST - Dustin Brown takes the Cup from Gary Bettman. Unfortunately, he doesn’t use it as a bludgeoning tool on the guy that handed it to him. And it is officially PAR-TAY time in the City of Angels tonight.

No, I'm not crying, I just have something in my eye. I mean, really deep in there, seriously...

Well, there you have it, folks. For the first time in 45 years, the Los Angeles Kings are Stanley Cup Champions, having knocked off the top three seeds in the Western conference and making it look like Paul Newman's ghost was taunting Marty Brodeur's wife from behind the net for a majority of the finals. I’ve always been a pretty big fan of the Kings since the days of Lucky Luc and the Great One, so consider me one happy hockey fan to see a team I actually give a shit about hoist Lord Stanley for a change.

The way the Kings played this season, just about everybody is going to have them pegged as a long-term Cup contender, if not the odds-on favorite to win the whole she-bang again next year. There is no denying that they are an extraordinarily talented team, and one that’s still relatively young. Yeah, I know we said the exact same thing about Chicago in 2010 and Boston last year, but this time, we mean it. I mean, really mean it. For real.

As for the Devils? Brodeur’s Cup run was inspiring and all that jazz, but I doubt he has much tank in his gas for another sustained playoff push. A lot of people think he’s going to call it quits in the off-season, but I think he’ll stick around for at least one more anti-climactic go-around, when the Devils place 11th overall in the Eastern conference and we all feel like a bunch of drips for naming them Atlantic Division champs in our beginning-of-the-season office pools.

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty good season, with some very entertaining playoffs games and the coronation of what very well could be the next big NHL dynasty.

And for all of you reading this in the Great White North? Just remember that now, the state of California alone has more Stanley Cup championships than your entire country has had in the last 20 years. Like I said, just a friendly reminder.

Hail to the Kings, baby. Hail to the Kings...

Sigh…I miss hockey already, don’t you?

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Rock & Roll MonsterBash 2012!

Offensive punk rock, horror memorabilia, pro wrestling, chicks painted green and a 35mm screening of “Return of the Living Dead” - does life really get any better than this? 

Every now and then, you stumble across a flyer that you absolutely cannot turn away from. Case in point; this one for this year’s Rock & Roll MonsterBash.

You know, just seeing the Tar-Man’s face on anything is enough to get me to open up my wallet, but there are just so many keywords on the poster that just scream “awesome event happening soon, and you need to be there.” Planet of the Apes, Dead Elvis, Monster Championship Wrestling…as just standalone terms, every one of these would most likely pique my interests, but when you lob all of them together on one broadsheet? Yeah, you’ve got my money, easy.

Any long term reader of this blog knows about my adulation for Atlanta’s Starlight Six Drive-In, and if you live in the area and haven’t been there - for whatever stupid reason - you really need to visit it the first chance you get. The atmosphere there is so utterly fantastic that, personally, I have a hard time going to indoor movies now. Yeah, yeah, all you youngsters may think it’s “cool” and “with it” to shell out 40 bucks to watch a movie in IMAX, but for just half that price, you and your best girl could go to the Starlight Six and see TWO movies AND order three tofu dogs a piece…and hell, since it’s a drive-in, you can even take off your pants, if you feel like you have to. Try doing that at an AMC Theater, amigos.

Now, you may be wondering what a “Rock & Roll MonsterBash” is, exactly. Well, other than simply labeling the entire thing, as a collective idea, as “effing awesome,” it’s a Halloween-in-June type festival featuring just about everything you can think of that’s great in existence. You’ve got monster movies in 35mm on a jumbo screen, live music from underground bands that are generally pretty entertaining, about ten bajillion tents set up with all sorts of wacky miscellanea for sale, barbecued soy dogs for $2 a pop, and tons of Georgia State coeds running around in the trashiest outfits this side of  a Rob Liefeld comic. Like I said earlier - it’s pretty much the best idea for anything ever in history.

Since I arrived at the event around late evening, I actually managed to see what the environment looks like - funnily, I have a hard time making out black inscriptions on grey buildings at 1 in the morning. The attention to detail, as you will soon see, is absolutely amazing - not only are the projection houses covered in some of the dopest looking B-movie murals you’ll ever see, the screens THEMSELVES are emblazoned with artwork dedicated to Mecha-Godzilla and “Robot Monster.” It’s the sort of small touches that make the drive-in one of the coolest damn places in Atlanta…if not the entire US of A.

The snack bar, as you can see, was decorated to the hilt for the festivities, complete with a crucified skeleton greeting guests in search of some extra-chili doused nachos. Despite the rather risqué atmosphere, there were a ton of kids present for this year’s event - so yeah, those eight-year-olds either have the best parents in metro Atlanta, or the absolute worst.

As one of the movies being screened that evening was the legendary 1985 horror comedy masterpiece “Return of the Living Dead,” there was a TON of zombie-related shenanigans going on. If you ever wanted to see a bunch of nose-ringed twenty-year olds running around in fake-blood-soaked school girl uniforms, well, it looks like you’ll have to wait your turn until next year, Holmes. Oh, and this tent gets bonus points times five for keeping things canonical, obviously.

As far as the demographical makeup of the event goes, well…let’s just say, you get some very interesting people in attendance. From camera-wielding lookie-loos to costumed wallflowers to shirtless dudes that are clearly inebriated, there’s a pretty vast cross-section of people you’ll find at events of the like. And yes, I’d accept Friend Requests from all of you, if you just so happen to be reading this.

Ever the kitsch enthusiast, I was pleasantly surprised by the vast array of niche memorabilia (read: worthless crap) for sale at the event. Never has there been so much purposeless, tacky junk congregated into such a compact space before; and incidentally, never have I had the urge to just fling open my wallet and just start throwing twenty dollar bills at people for random knickknacks.

Action figures, out of print CDs, jigsaw puzzles, VHS boxes, mini-posters some dude just printed off his computer and asked fifteen bucks for; you name it, and it was probably available for purchase at MonsterBash. I guess my absolute favorite items on display where these mini pumpkin tins - and in case you were wondering, I did in fact end up purchasing that really tall one.

I guess the most ingenious item to be found were these laminated “security badges” featuring the likeness of practically every single fictitious character ever. Whether you’re into “Buffy” or “Phantasm,” there was bound to be at least one or two ID cards on display that you at least thought about picking up…and that one “S-Mart” tag featuring Bruce Campbell almost ended up becoming a permanent part of my wardrobe.

“Obscure,” I think, was the name of the game at the MonsterBash wares section. And if there’s one thing out there more off-kilter than an action figure in the likeness of one of continental Europe’s greatest composers…

…it has to be a children’s board game based upon a soap opera where adultery constitutes 98 percent of the show’s plotlines. If this thing is on Etsy, expect a full review sometime before the summer’s over.

Prior to the screenings, event-goers were treated to the one-two combo of monster-themed professional wrestling and a concert featuring North Carolina shock-punk legends Dead Elvis. The wrestling main event - featuring stars from Atlanta’s very own Platinum Championship Wrestling - just so happened to feature the resurrected corpses of the Von Erich family taking on an up-and-coming young tag-team called “The Washington Bullets.” And yes, I did manage to get the complete match recorded, as if you even needed to ask.

Granted, outdoing a tag team bout featuring undead WWA legends is a tough task, but I think we can all agree that Dead Elvis - one of the few truly iconic punk outfits from the southland - put on a truly spectacular performance that evening. Indeed, just one song from the night’s festivities will not do, so here are multiple videos featuring the band doing what they do best. And in advance: yeah, you’re probably going to be offended.

And of course, the night was capped off by a double bill of “Planet of the Apes” and “Return of the Living Dead.” For some reason, there was a twenty minute documentary about the 1970s version of “The Island of Dr. Moreau” played before the first feature, primarily because…uh, they had it on hand? Yeah, that’s probably why.

Believe it or not, this was my first time seeing “Planet of the Apes” the whole way through, and I really liked it. I always sort of thought the movie was a thinly veiled allegory for racism, but after actually watching it, I am 110 percent convinced that the entire thing is the literalization of the Scopes Monkey Trial. Seriously, watch the movie back to back with “Inherit the Wind,” and then tell me they’re not the same damn story. And at this point, I don’t think there’s really anything more I can add to the reverence behind “Return of the Living Dead,” outside of saying that it may very well be the absolute best zombie movie of the 1980s - in my book, it’s easily on par with “Re-Animator” and “The Beyond,” if not better than both pictures. So yeah, if you haven’t seen it before…what the hell are you waiting for, man?

Although it really goes without saying, I had an absolute blast at MonsterBash 2012, and can’t wait until next year’s festivities. Thankfully, there is a similar event - the world-famous Drive-Invasion all night movie-thon - this Labor Day weekend, so if you’re an able bodied Atlantan, you really have no excuse to not be at the Starlight Six come early September.

But uh, just remember one thing; BRING A SET OF JUMPER CABLES. I mean, seriously, folks. Seriously…

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My LIVE Play-by-Play for Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals

Stream-of-Conscious Notes from a Stereotypical American Fan  

07:25 PM EST - All right kids, we’re going to be doing something just a little bit different tonight; I’m going to be covering Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals LIVE as it happens, via the magic of modern Internet technologies. It’s about a half hour before the puck drops, so for the time being, it looks like I’ll be playing some “Ice Hockey” and “Blades of Steel” on vNES. Be back in a few, amigos.

07:38  PM EST - Oh, and in case you are wondering what outlet I’m watching tonight, I’m going with the live feed on the CBC website. That’s right, forget all of your NBC Sports Network nonsense, I’m watching what may very well be the last hockey game of the season as God intended it to be - with thick Canadian voiceovers and constant re-buffering.

07:42 PM EST - Huh, did you know that the official Hockey Night in Canada website allows you to watch games in Punjabi? Hell, I had no idea the National Hockey League was so popular in India before this evening…

07:47 PM EST - Almost 10 minutes to go. I’ve got two laptops and a cell phone in front of me. I sort of feel like I’m playing an Xbox game using SmartGlass, in a way.

07:57 PM EST - Huh, so there’s a Twitter feed right next to the live stream video player. Guess I didn’t notice, because I was too busy watching the trailer for “Wreck It Ralph” about three times in a row.

08:01 PM EST - Still getting a “this content is currently unavailable” message every time I hit play. As if I expected anything less.

08:03 PM EST - So, there’s this thing on CBC called “While the Men Watch,” which is supposed to be a satirical, female-centric take on sports programming. And right now, that’s the only way I can get a live feed of the CBC broadcast, so bear with me, will you?

08:08 PM EST - Finally got a feed going, and the picture is about half the size of your standard YouTube player. So as along as I don’t have to read anything, I reckon we are A-OK for the evening.

08:10 PM EST - I imagine angels must sound a lot like Jim Hughson. Drew Doughty on whether the D-line will play aggressively tonight: “hell yeah.”

8:12 PM EST - Man, that “Hockey Night in Canada” opening is cool. And there goes my feed. Shee-yet.

8:22 PM EST - I swear, if I have to be a premium member or something to see this, I am going to start punching holes in walls. But on the plus side, I apparently missed the Nickelback opening, so for once, thank goodness for lagging Wi-Fi connections.

8:26 PM EST - Looks like I have no choice but to watch the “While the Men Watch” feed. Ah, no better way to watch pro hockey than by having the cast of "Mob Wives" provide play-by-play commentary, no?

8:28 PM EST - LA Power Play. Marty B with a pivotal save.

8:31 PM EST - Intense goal stuffing on the PP. Brodeur has to play like Brodeur tonight, and so far, he’s doing a pretty good job of being himself.

8:35 PM EST - NJ on the PP. Not able to do much so far. About 12 minutes left in the first. Now, who is up for some Canadian-centric commercials?

8:39 PM EST - NJ with another PP opportunity. Quick with an awesome save right off the bat. And another. Take that, Kovalchuk!

Jonathan Quick decides to showcase some of his break-dancing skillz during the first period.

8:41 PM EST - Good lord, Quick is playing like a MAN tonight. I’d say he’s on the “fast” track to sports superstardom this year. Get it? Because “quick” is often used as synonym for “fast!”

8:49 PM EST - Feed is down again. Fan-freaking-tastic.

8:51 PM EST- And we’re back. And we’re still scoreless. And a quick DIDJA KNOW: In Canada, people still listen to Rusted Root?

8:54 PM EST - Less than five minutes to go in the first.

8:55 PM EST - And a shot that ALMOST put LA up 1-0. The red lights started flashing and everything. Tough, tough break for the Kings, and a gift from above for the Devils. Which, yeah, is just sorta’ ironic.

9:01 PM EST - Penalty for NJ, and end of the first. The Kings will be starting the second with a man advantage.

9:04 PM EST - Hey, who is up for “Coach’s Corner” with Don Cherry? Pending these online ads eventually end, so am I.

9:05 PM EST - Missed a Will Ferrell interview…thankfully.

9:08 PM EST - That’s an awesome suit being rocked by Cherry. Somewhere, a Twister mat is missing from its box.

And ironically, it looks like somebody is going to need some Advil following this hit. 

9:10 PM EST - Oh, shit, I forgot today was D-Day! And Cherry compares the invasion of Normandy to playoff hockey. God, I wish I was Canadian sometimes.

9:18 PM EST - Cuba Gooding, Jr. IN THA HOUSE. Unfortunately, none of the “Snow Dogs” managed to make it to the Staples Center this evening.

9:20 PM EST - Kings working the wheel to no effect. PP runs out, and it’s still an 0-0 game.

9:28 PM EST - About 14 or so minutes to go. According to Yahoo’s computers, the Kings have more shots on goal than the Devils, with LA rattling off twice as many in the second period than NJ.

9:35 PM EST - Mad scramble behind Brodeur. Cross-checking penalty call against NJ. Back to the box, El Salvador.

9:39 PM EST - Kings can’t do anything with the PP. Man, that last sentence would be really, really funny if I were in the second grade.

9:43 PM EST - Hey, you know what’s a great idea? Having a pot of coffee at about 8 pm on a weekday. And Brodeur with a save. Five minutes to go in the second.

Marty Brodeur, seen here doing his best Robert Green impersonation.

9:47 PM EST - About 2:50 to go, and like an awkward sophomore on a first date, we are still scoreless.

9:53 PM EST - Kings threatening with seconds to go, but nothing sticks. Heading into the third, and it’s still anybody’s game.

9:55 PM EST - For all you stat-hounds out there, the Kings have more shots on goal than the Devils (14 to 11), but the Devils have won more face-offs, landed more hits and accumulated more penalty minutes. Not that the last one really matters, but still.

10:03 PM EST - No matter how you feel about Los Angeles, I think this much is universally agreed upon: man, was it a good idea to rip off the Oakland Raiders color scheme instead of using the eye-straining Lakers swatch.

10:05 PM EST - Can anybody imagine anything more boring than a TV show about Canadian politics? That’s sort of like ordering an unflavored Slush Puppy, ain’t it?

10:06 PM EST - Lord Stanley is in the building! Man, I haven’t been this excited to see a cup since my last trip to a Kangaroo gas station!

10:13 PM EST - Just dug my Kings jersey out of the closet. I have no idea what that unidentifiable white gunk is on it, but it smells  like soured sour cream. I’m too horrified to even look at the Atlanta Thrashers one way in the back now.

10:17 PM EST - LA BREAKAWAY! And that was the closest we’ve gotten to a goal all night. And wouldn’t that be a cool name for a straight-to-DVD action movie, too?

10:21 PM EST - And Quick with a dandy save. Less than 15 minutes to go in regulation, by the way.

10:23 PM EST - Brodeur: 16 saves, compared to Quick’s 13.

10:26 PM EST - DEVILS SCORE. Patrick Elias puts some numbers on the board at about the eight minute mark of the third.

10:29 PM EST - KINGS SCORE ON A PP! 1-1 game, thanks to Drew Doughty’s unassisted goal.

10:39 PM EST - Less than five minutes to go, folks. Looks like we’re headed to another OT game, unless some dramatic shit goes down soon.

10:43 PM EST - DEVILS SCORE. Adam Henrique with a beauty. NJ has the one-goal lead with about four minutes to go.

10:50 PM EST - Less than 2 minutes to go. Just a few seconds left on a NJ PP. Expect Quick to get pulled pronto.

And somewhere, Dany Heatley is weeping a small lagoon...

10:51 PM EST - An empty net goal by Cuckoo-for-Kovalchuk, and this one is all over.

10:52 PM EST - Final score: NJ 3, LA 1. We’re heading to Jersey this Saturday.

And that’s it from Southern California. On the plus side? I now have a few days to wash that jersey, I guess…

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Three Reasons Why It’s OK for EVERYBODY to Dislike Liberals

Pointing out the Left’s Most Irritating Attributes, Tactics and Tendencies

You know, it’s real easy to make fun of conservatives. What, with their nonstop bible thumping, hysteric nationalism and inability to accept geology as a legitimate science, how could they not be? Likewise, with their aspirations of building an aquatic utopia where marijuana, firearms and hookers get passed around like nachos, the same can be said of libertarians.

Mocking right-wingers, as we all know by now,  isn’t exactly the most difficult task in the world. But when it comes to ridiculing liberals, however, things operate just a tad differently. Whereas joshing conservatives entails exploring their ideological excesses, the trick in really rubbing it in a liberal’s face comes in the form of pointing out the inherent hypocrisy of most left-leaning social causes.

Liberals, by their very nature, are hypocritical creatures. In fact, the entire philosophy of modern liberalism rests upon a firm pillar of contradictory assumptions and aspirations; solving economic shortfalls by dumping more money into faulty federal programs, advocating social justice and then promoting systems that keep the underserved and marginalized in perpetual states of economic dependency, championing individual expression while decrying contrarian viewpoints as everything from misogynistic to Hitler-esque - it’s a never-ending list, really.

The unavoidable truth is that liberals are almost universally annoying, and every bit as irritating and mendacious as their conservative adversaries. In fact, there are three primary characteristics of the modern, American liberal ideology that I think all of us - white, brown, rich, poor, rural, urban, Coke, Pepsi, so on and so forth - can all agree are downright aggravating examples of the Left’s asinine economic and social platforms.

Examples, you say? Well, here’s three good reasons why all of us can find a reason to dislike liberals - and surprisingly, Rachel Maddow’s haircut never even made the final ballot.

Their Relentless Pursuit of the Next Big Moral Outrage (Which, As Fate Would Have It, May or May Not Be Entirely Fabricated) 

Fun Fact: Liberals NEVER profess judgments on people. Ever. 

“Moral indignation” is to a liberal what unleaded gasoline is to a motor vehicle. Without something to be absolutely (albeit, temporarily) incensed about, the modern day leftie is sort of like a Yugo on cinder blocks; yeah, it’s there, but it’s not really going to be doing anything for awhile.

As a result, liberals actively seek out anything and everything to be blood-boiling-ly upset about, generally making grand (and unfounded) proclamations of guilt, racism, sexism, homophobia and institutional oppression before they even know half the facts of what it is they are so guldarned angered about.

It’s not exactly earth-shattering news that liberals tend to vaunt incidents that behoove their social constructs and ideologies, while “incidentally” ignoring events that slight their claims. For example, everybody on the planet knows who Trayvon Martin and Matthew Shepherd are, but did anybody hear - let alone, go into a full-scale tizzy - over the death of Jesse Dirkhising or the attempted murder of Allen Coon?

One of the central planks in the modern liberal ideology is the reality - the cold, unflinching reality - that Caucasian males (particularly, heterosexual, Anglo-Saxon middle-class types) are THE cause of all evils in humanity. They, and they alone, keep the institutions of racism, sexism, homophobia and classism up and running, and by their mere existence,  they’re automatically marginalizing African-Americans, Hispanics, women, immigrants and homosexuals.

Liberals are in nonstop quest of a story or angle that involves a white male (preferably Christian, preferably straight and preferably middle-class) victimizing a non-white, non-male or non-heterosexual. Hell, you can’t really go more than a week or two without SOME sort of story popping up on the national radar, with the intent of stirring the race/sex/gender/nationality/ethnicity pot. Whether or not the allegations are true are often inconsequential, as seemingly the only thing that matters to most liberals is that the “evil middle-class honky” archetype is brought up every single time we intake a piece of media.

There is more than a smidge of irony here, beginning with the fact that most elected liberals are a.) white, b.) male, c.) straight, d.) of Catholic/Protestant upbringing, and e.) oh yeah, usually rich as hell, too. Being a successful democrat is, in essence, an exercise in telling everybody that all the people like you are the reason why things are so crappy, but YOU are not one of them, somehow, despite looking, sounding and being exactly like the people you blame.

The other irony  is that although liberals are always going on and on about being the party that “cares” about the marginalized, they never seem to pick up on the notion that continuously playing “protector of the downtrodden” is, well, a form of keeping the marginalized even more marginalized. The liberal ideology is that blacks, gays and women really don’t have enough collective social power to stand up against the conservative blowhards, so minority individuals have to place their faith in them to get things done for them. Granted, there’s more blacks, women and gays that self-identify as liberals than conservatives, but looking at the national picture - you know, with all of those senators and congressmen and whatnot - there’s really not that much more diversity than there is on the other side of the aisle.

And so, it is absolutely imperative the liberals continually search out ANY scenario to whip out the “you are being victimized” card. Oddly, the liberal standard isn’t finding a way to empower minorities, but to constantly remind them that society’s against them and that the “majority” wants them marginalized and economically undeveloped. Perhaps this is a smokescreen to cover up the fact that most liberal-backed social programs intended to “level the playing field” don’t necessarily work, or the fact that grandstanding, abstract notions like “racism” and “sexism” are conveniently indefinable constructs that condense complex social issues into easily digestible - although frequently problematic - catchalls.

Unfettered moral outrage is most certainly a vital aspect of contemporary liberalism - unfortunately, a tendency to focus on events as they actually happened, apparently, isn’t as important.

Their Selectivity Regarding What Constitutes a Social Ill (And Then, Being Super Lazy About Addressing and Solving Them) 

(*) Sometimes, anyway....

American liberals champion themselves as the social defenders of homosexuals, minorities and women - in the process, producing this paternalistic effect that, rather ironically, just serves to marginalize them further. But, hey, that’s just one of the inherent hypocritical stances of modern liberal thinking, you know.

Liberals, generally, are quite opposed to poverty, military spending and the use of police force in just about every capacity imaginable. Yet oddly, they tend to turn a blind eye and deafened ear to the plight of impoverished Appalachians, beg and plead U.S. officials to send troops into Africa because a YouTube video told them to and demand the arrest of Ted Nugent because he said some negative things about the President.

Lefties are always going on and on about how much they value the First Amendment, but what do you know? Those same folks are pushing for the passage of “hate speech” legislation that would make it illegal - as in, putting people in jail - for saying things that are politically incorrect. When a member of the New Black Panthers threatens civil violence, lefties rush to his aide, but when a pastor decries gay marriage, all of a sudden, we need a Constitutional amendment to stop him.

A guy that paints pictures of the Virgin Mary using elephant crap? Free expression. A guy wanting to burn a Koran? Unacceptable. Pole dancing bans in Pennsylvania? That’s an abridgment of a woman’s right to earn a living. Meanwhile, Rob Black deserved to spend a month in solitary confinement at a federal prison and Ira Isaacs deserved to get charged for distributing “obscene” material (when one of the judges trying him was a bona-fide pervert himself), because their “works” were degrading to women.

The difference here - and it’s a gargantuan one - between the left and the right is the level of physical involvement deemed necessary by the two ideological camps. For the most part, conservatives and libertarians keep themselves penned in certain enclaves, periodically showing up at Tea Party fundraisers or private screenings of “Atlas Shrugged” - which is just about as social as either of them really get. But liberals, on the other hand, feel an overwhelming need to exert a physical presence on the society at all times - which is why liberals are far, far, far likelier to join a march, rally or protest than their political counterparts. Furthermore, the rapidity by which liberals “get behind” certain causes is far quicker - and often, far less-researched - then when right-wingers get all up in arms (sometimes, literally) over matters.

While liberals are much, much likelier to be outraged about a host of issues, the reality is, they don’t really do anything other than yell, complain, and post bullshit on Facebook in regards to those matters. Liberals are very much what I would call “slacktivists” - you know, the hordes of people that get really, really fiery about an issue (without really doing that much research on the issue), rabble on and on about how wrong whatever it is is, and then…nothing. The really dedicated ones might contribute some money to a PayPal account, but when it comes time to actually address and rectify a social problem, they suddenly become AWOL. Yes, yes, they WANT Joey Kony arrested, but how are they actually going to bring that about? Outside of making YouTube videos and vandalizing private property, pretty much nothing.

Then again, considering how the actively-engaged lefties approach “social improvement,” maybe that’s not necessarily our worst case scenario here…

Their Inability to Come to Grips with Certain Economic Realities 

Several leftists, seen here fighting income inequity by throwing things at police officers.

Watching the “Occupy” movement blossom and subsequently falter has been one of the greatest instances of Schadenfreude humor I have ever witnessed. Even now, I think that all of these kids are in on it together, as some sort of post-modern, meta-joke.

So, you complain about how big business and the military-industrial complex has destroyed the nation? Oddly, they say so using a technology forged by the military-industrial complex, while waving their Apple products in the air like trained seals. They’re mad as hell, but they literally have nothing to say other than “things suck, and they should be better.” Their list of demands - to the best I have interpreted them - has been the disestablishment of the technocracy and socialized benefits for everybody. Oh, and legal weed. Lots and lots of that.

So, the kids want unrestricted individual freedom and a hands-off government, while, at the same time, they want a federal overseer that guarantees them a job (no matter how incompetent they are), free education (no matter how dim they are) and absolute control over industry to insure that we’re not going to get screwed over by corporate interests. These kids are an absolutely impossible mishmash of incongruent ideas and ethics: they’re anarchists that want full social benefits, and social-democrats that want limited government involvement in personal affairs. They, in essence, have no idea what they want out of anything…which incidentally, probably explains exactly why they haven’t been able to find steady employment or graduate from college.

The absolute biggest problem with liberal ideology is an aversion to structure. That’s why right-wing organizations are ALWAYS more soundly assembled then leftist ventures, and why capitalist-conservative initiatives have economic legs that almost always outstand the social-democratic institutions and coalitions that periodically pop out of the ground. Liberals have this bizarre dislike of vertical structures, believing that economic movements can be properly “democratized.” Perhaps you’ve heard of the term “horizontal leadership,” or as it is more commonly known, “shit that doesn’t work.” No matter how much proof you show to a lefty that non-hierarchic financial models just can’t last, they refuse to acknowledge the efficiency and “justness” of traditional organizational systems. You can bicker about the politics all you want, but it’s this attribute that gives conservative operations such a massive advantage over liberal initiatives. Twenty years from now, there were still be a “Focus on the Family,” while unbelievably stupid ideas like “Walkupy” will undoubtedly go the way of the dodo.

This might just be the understatement of all time, but liberals just aren’t good with money. They refuse to acknowledge its importance (or at least, downplay the shit out of it), naively believing that a cause can persist without being a sound business at the same time. Even more ironic is that the social movements that so many leftists vaunt and revere - as in, the Civil Rights movement of the 1950s and Gandhi’s protest of British rule - were both movements anchored around a hierarchal business model, with some extremely savvy organizers that knew how to keep funds coming in with minimal expenditures.

More so than any other factor, the liberal’s inability to realize the influence of economics on day-to-day life is the mindset’s greatest single fallacy. Ideally, yes, it would be fantastic if everybody in the nation had free health care and social security benefits, but the amount of money needed to do that in a country with 300 million plus people is an absolutely impossible figure. Yes, ideally, it would be nice if we lived in a reality where military force wasn’t necessary, but seeing as how the U.S. Dept. of Defense is the number one bankroller of scientific and technological undertakings in the country, it’s de-funding would have an immediate negative influence on not only tech sectors, but the fields of medicine and biosciences, too. Yes, trickle-down economics don’t work in “ending” poverty and economic stagnation, but has a deluge of social welfare policies and benefits programs had that much of an influence on turning the tides against sustained unemployment  and under-education numbers?

If you’re looking for a universal reason to deplore liberal thinking, I think that about sums it up: they know everything that doesn’t work…but are completely oblivious to the fact that what they do and think is equally ineffective.

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My Trip To Zoo Atlanta!

A Photographic Essay and a Multimedia Extravaganza!

Earlier this year, something downright horrific dawned upon me; it had been 20 years since I last visited Zoo Atlanta. Clearly, this was an oversight that needed rectification as soon as humanly possible, and since there's really not much else to do on Memorial Day, I think a long-long-long-delayed tripped to one of the Southeast's largest zoos was an absolute given. 

So, what did I experience on my first journey to Zoo Atlanta since George H.W. was in office? Well, a lot. In fact, I ended up with damn near half a memory card full of photos and videos, which I wanted to share with you, mostly people that I don't know or never will meet. This multimedia essay isn't exactly a substitute for visiting Zoo Atlanta in person, but if you're one of the unfortunate sorts that will most likely never get an opportunity to visit it, I think this is probably about as comprehensive a tour as anyone could give you. And the absolute best part about this virtual profile of Zoo Atlanta? No freaking lines whatsoever. 

Now, who is ready to get this tour moving? Just remember to hold on to your personal belongings, and please...refrain from feeding the animals (because they are just pictures and videos, so it's really, really stupid to try and shove a carrot through your laptop.) 

Flamingos!

The very first thing you’ll see  after passing through the ticket-taker booth at Zoo Atlanta is the flamingo exhibit. Well, unless you make a sharp turn to the left as soon as you get in, which would make the gift shop (as well as one of those hurricane-simulating arcade machines) your first observation. All in all, I suppose there’s not that much to say about flamingos. Uh, they’re pink and tall? I mean, really tall, probably about four or five feet, max. They - as well as every other animal at the zoo - also have these little plastic cuffs on them…I suppose, in case they escape, so you’ll know where to return them (because if there’s ever a rhinoceros on I-75, there’s so many damned places it could have come from, I imagine.) Not to slight any flamingo-enthusiasts out there, but I wasn’t really too enthralled by what I saw here. Then again, they did put the pen right next to a coffee stand that sells meerkat puppets and super-expensive African-Explorer action figure sets, so perhaps that explains my disinterest. 

Elephants!

One of the really weird things (read: super-OCD) things I noticed while at the zoo was just how dirty all of the animals were. Yeah, I know, that’s a very human-biased observation, but I was just amazed by the amount of dirt these elephants managed to accumulate upon their hides. 

Most of the time, when we think of elephants, we think grey, silver and sort of off-white-ish, right? Well, these things were more or less the same color as rusted copper, and jeez, were they ever wrinkly-looking. Even so, the sheer size of the things was absolutely staggering, and more than made up for any momentary “icks” or “ewws” that I temporarily squeaked out upon viewing them. That, and how could anybody not be enchanted by something that chows down on hay so gosh darn adorably? 

Exotic Birds!

So it’s not exactly a big secret that personnel at zoos are sort of leery of letting patrons get hands-on with the wildlife. Then again, when your business needs money, you’ll take cash grabs anyway you can, and sometimes, that entails letting customers pay $35 bucks to shove lettuce into the mouth of one of the most poisonous animals on the planet. At the exotic bird cage, however, there was an entirely different sort of surcharge going on, and this one will probably result in far less wrongful death suits in the future. For a dollar, you can pick up a honey-covered stick embedded with little pieces of bird feed. After that, you waltz into the aviary, and the sundry winged animals hop on your tongue depressed and eat right out of your hands. And somewhere, there’s an unproduced “Saw” script where a dude gets covered in peanut butter and thrown into one of these pens with coked up hummingbirds, I can just tell…

Warthogs!

One of the things you really have to accept when you enter a zoo is that, for the most part, you’re not going to see much action. As a matter of fact, at my most recent visit, a good 90 percent of the time, the animals on display were either sleeping, just laying there about to go to sleep, or pretending to sleep so all of the patrons would leave them the hell alone. These things were so docile that I’m beginning to wonder if the guys at Zoo Atlanta pump the animals full of sedatives before the place opens, just as an “eff you” to customers. So if you’re heading over here and expecting to see Pumba and Bebop throw down, Animal Face-Off style, you’re going to be sadly disappointed, I am afraid. 

Rhinos!

When you think “rhino,” you just think “awesome,” from underrated Spider-Man villains to former ECW World Heavyweight Champions that cut some of the most insanely graphic promos of all-time. Unfortunately, there was only one rhinoceros on display this Memorial Day, but it was a cool sight, nonetheless. Proving that my foray was indeed a quasi-educational one, I learned that rhinos - and presumably, those other filth-encrusted mammals on display - coat their bodies in mud, gunk, and their own poo because it serves as something of a sun block lotion, as well as a form of insect repellent. So, in other words: if given the opportunity, don’t ever smell a rhino. 

Giraffes, Zebras AND Ostriches!

I’m lumping all of these animals together because Zoo Atlanta lumped all of them together in one pen. You know, that sort of sounds like a recipe for carnage, but apparently, the three disparate creatures seemed to get along quite well, perhaps having that whole “man, doesn't it suck having lions eat us?” shared experience to keep them amalgamated as a peaceful community. First things first - giraffes are HUGE. As in, way, way taller than you’d think they’d be. The same can be said of ostriches, which are easily as tall as most NBA players. Not surprisingly, the zebras looked a lot like horses up close, only more colorful and rocking Mohawks instead of mullets. For a $100 fee, Zoo Atlanta reps allow customers the opportunity to feed the giraffes - although, the buzz killers they are, they WON’T let you attempt to feed them Sour Patch Kids (trust me, I know.) 

Bongos! 

The number one rule in determining whether an event was worth attending or not? You discover something that you didn’t know existed a day prior. And in regards to my Zoo Atlanta trip, I learned that there was an entire genus of mammal out there that, formerly, I didn’t know was an actual animal. Bongos, I suppose, are sort of like gazelles, only fatter, and apparently, WAY lazier. According to the most trusted source in the known universe, bongos are actually a distinct breed of antelope, but like I’m going to forego calling something a “bongo” when I get the chance. I theorize that the name of the musical instrument is derived from their hides (a long time ago, I’m guessing some dudes used their skin as a drum or something), but seeing as how musical bongos actually originate in Cuba…uh, maybe it’s just coincidental? 

Hornbills!

Some people have said that I foster an irrational fear of hummingbirds, but I disagree; a mortal apprehension of hummingbirds as about as rational as selling high and buying low as far as I am concerned. Think about it; those things are essentially flying hypodermic needles, and like super-powered crack addicts in search of their next fix, their thirst for nectar is downright unquenchable. So, encountering this hornbill - essentially, the Brock Lesnar version of the commonplace hummingbird - was sort of like peering into a portal to hell for about five seconds. And with that in mind…sometimes, the world’s a better place AFTER certain species have gone extinct, you know. 

Red Pandas! 

Despite being called “pandas,” red pandas actually have more in common with raccoons than those giant white and black things from China that everybody seems to fawn over. The things are pretty small - imagine, a really, really overweight cat, and you have the proportions and girth about right - but Zoo Atlanta spared no expense in giving this little critters a comfortable habitat. Jeez, how many other forms of wildlife out there do you think get a hammock to monkey around in? 

Lemurs!

Well, I guess that makes it two species that are hammock-worthy, since these lemurs also get a swing to lay and play in, too. The lemurs were perhaps the most vociferous animals I saw that day, who got a wild shouting match started at one point before things, eerily, just sort of trailed off into silence. The crazy thing is, the lemur habitat at Zoo Atlanta is wrapped around this tree house, which is home to dozens and dozens of different animals - albeit, in separate compartmental areas, of course.

I guess there really isn’t too much to say about lemurs, other than their tails are a lot longer than you’d think they’d be. And I’ve never seen any of the “Madagascar” movies, so I had no idea why all the kids there kept referencing it while gawping at the animals. Anybody mind giving me a brief primer on the movie series now? 

All Sorts of Reptiles!

Turtles are EVERYWHERE at Zoo Atlanta. I don’t think you can really move more than 200 feet without coming into contact with a small turtle garden, which dot the environment like trashcans and park benches (and an aside, but sort of worth noting: if you’re ever at Zoo Atlanta, check out the concrete walkways closely - see any semi-secret floral patterns there?) 

So, yeah, as you can see, there are TONS of turtles roaming the place. Turtles with spiky shells (whether or not they were thrown out of the sky by some dude in a cloud, however, I cannot confirm), turtles with really weird looking flat heads, and even turtles named after breakfast goods (pancake turtles were represented in full force; the waffle tortoise, sadly, wasn’t present)…if you have a thing for turtles, then you definitely need to check out Zoo Atlanta if you’re ever in the area. 

But, they weren’t the only reptiles on parade, of course. I’ve always wanted to see a Komodo dragon up close, and at Zoo Atlanta, I got a chance to see two of them; one, a very, very stationary full-grown one, and the other, a juvenile dragon that was really, really intrigued by the blinking red light on my camera. Also, for the low, low price of just $35, you have the opportunity to feed one of these monsters by hand - and in case you’re up for that, just remember: Komodo dragon spit is basically a mini CDC-lab of viruses and bacteria, so…yeah, be sure to wash your hands afterwards. 

And lastly, there were a ton of snakes on display, but very, very few of them in the reptile house seemed to be doing much of anything. I have NO idea which variety this serpent is, but since he(she?) was the only one remotely doing anything active, it became the one I decided to turn into a YouTube celebrity. Any serpent-aficionados out there want to fill me in as to which breed this one is? 

Otters! 

You know, there really isn’t much in this universe of ours that’s cuter than two otters frolicking in a pond. 

There’s not much to add to that statement, other than…goddamn, are these things ever adorable. 

Monkeys of all Sorts! 

Folks, checking out the monkeys at Zoo Atlanta is worth the price of admission alone. Now, I know there are a lot of you out there that think Darwin was full of poop, but just watching people watch the gorillas and orangutans on display was one of the most amazing sociological experiences of my fledgling adulthood. Somehow, people knew which gorilla was the father, which was the mother, and some observers were even affixing entire familial set-ups (one dude was CONVINCED that one of them had to have been the uncle figure) for our primate kin. 

Yeah, yeah, we all know that monkeys and humans are a lot alike, but until you see them up-close, I don’t think you can rally grasp how similar we are to our simian brothers. And I know I sound like a hippie right now, and I don’t care. 

Of course, super-lifelike gorillas weren’t the only monkeys on display. There were a few smaller primates being exhibited, as well as a very large - and awesome - orangutan area. 

And if there was ever a trans-species version of the Ultimate Fighting Championship, my money would be on an orangutan to win at all; I mean, hell, something that flexible with fists that large could wreak more havoc than a runaway wrecking ball if it ever learned jiu-jitsu. So, Jane Goodall…consider yourself on notice. 

Pandas!

Look, I admit to being biased against pandas, but as with the hummingbirds, it’s for a good reason. Pandas are absolute death machines, and if they ever united as a coalition, humanity is doomed. You may think I’m joking, but examine the physical attributes of those things: 400 pounds, agile as all hell, with teeth sharp and strong enough to chew through bamboo. You know, the same things those karate masters make kendo sticks out of, and the same material the Singaporeans use to beat the hell out of American visitors. These things mean business, and pending a spike in population numbers, that business would be our asses as a species. 

Even asleep, these things are horrifying. While active, they’re even more unholy-looking, ambling around with this smug sense of superiority, as if their poo was gold colored (the fact that it is, however, is a non-factor.) People seem to love pandas, and I simply abhor them; however, try standing a good four feet away from one in person, and just tell me that your blood temperature doesn’t drop just a bit being that close to one. And we actually want these abominations to reproduce? Get with the program, planet earth, Get with the freaking program. 

Kangaroos (and For Some Reason, a Goat, too!) 

Kangaroos are downright fantastic creatures, and their travel-sized coffee mugs aren’t too bad either. More so than just about any animal not named a “mongoose,” I was perhaps most pumped about seeing one of these in person than anything else. Apparently, the kangaroos at Zoo Atlanta must have had some gargantuan breakfasts, though, because they weren’t doing shit by the time I came around. 

One of the things that hits you (well, not literally, unless you stand really close to the cage, anyway) is just how large most of the tails are of the animals on display. As domesticated Americans (mostly), when we think tail, we think of something thin, narrow, and short, like with a puppy or a piglet. The kangaroo here had a tail, however, that was about the same size as a fur-covered baseball bat - and if he slapped you with it, I assume that it would hurt just as badly. Not that it reminds me of “Streets of Rage 3” or anything. 

So, the kangaroos, sadly, weren’t as active as I had hoped. That said, I was in store for an unexpected surprise (as opposed to the expected kind of surprises, I suppose) when I entered the petting zoo, where this goat decided to…well, you’ll see. Now, as to how a goat ended up right next to the marsupial section, however…

Lions! 

A zoo without a lion is like a jumbo burrito without guacamole, or an Oakland Raiders game without someone being stabbed in the parking lot. It’s just something you expect, and sort of look forward to, and although Zoo Atlanta had only ONE lion on display, it was still a fairly entertaining sight. 

Well, later on in the day, anyway, because that morning, Mr. Lion was practically comatose. 

We tend to throw out the term “majestic animal” a lot, but when it comes to lions, that title is most certainly applicable and merited, without question. Just watching the thing -with its massive mane and golden eyes and surprisingly slender lower body - patrol the environs was one of those transcendent experiences, where I really felt a connection with nature of sorts. Of course, there was also just a smidge of mortal danger there too, because if that Plexiglas gave way, forget identifying my remains ever. 

Meerkats! 

And of course, we save the absolute best for last. There about a million, bajillion reasons why meerkats and mongooses are my favorite of all animals, and I think these photos and videos explicate about half of them. They’re so cute, and noble, and attentive, and prepared, and socially aware. Whereas most of the other animals were just lounging around at Zoo Atlanta, these meerkats meant business, burrowing and staking out the bushes and even hopping atop logs to scout the waves of humanity passing before them. 

Even though they’re not really indigenous creatures here, I think this is more than enough reason to change our national emblem from the bald eagle to a grey mongoose; if there’s a living thing more glorious than these little buggers here, modern science has yet to discover it. And as such, I think it's only fitting that we let one of these fantastic creatures have the final say for this multimedia essay. 

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