The New FIERY Doritos Locos Tacos from Taco Bell!

More of the same, are something altogether unexpected?

I know what you’re thinking. Does the world REALLY need a third Doritos Locos Tacos, especially one released so soon after the second iteration?

You know, I was skeptical, too. While I was reasonably happy with the original, nacho-cheese-flavored  DLT, I can’t say I was too enamored by the Cool Ranch variation released just a couple of months ago. Upon hearing about this tertiary offering -- the FIERY Doritos Locos Taco -- I had my reservations. Really, what were the odds of Taco Bell merely speckling some chip dust on one of their Volcano Tacos and calling it good enough here? In my estimates, that would be considerably high, indeed.

At this juncture, I suppose elaboration on the DLT phenomenon is pretty much unnecessary. It’s your standard taco, only the shell is shellacked with Doritos flavorings -- really, what more do you need to know about the product than that?

I was quite suspicious of the FIERY DLT, especially since the “FIERY” was in all capital letters, being all ostentatious and shit. Beyond the crimson red shell, there really wasn’t much of an aesthetic difference between this product and the other two -- or really, any other taco, for that matter.

As you can no doubt see, you have two FIERY DLT options. There’s your standard DLT taco -- which comes with beans and/or meat, cheese and lettuce, and the special edition SUPREME FIERY DLT, which has an added smattering of sour cream and tomato chunks on it. It’s also more expensive, by a couple of dimes and nickels, I believe.

The most surprising thing about the new FIERY DLT, I suppose, is that it actually tastes, you know, good. As in, really, really good, and surprisingly distinct for a Taco Bell menu item. As stated earlier, it would have been ridiculously easy for the establishment to just re-coat its famed Volcano Tacos in some Doritos spices, but these newfangled offering actually tastes A LOT different from that other red-shelled, spicy comestible hawked by the eatery.

Of course, the FIERY DLT is a bit spicy, but that’s not what sold me on it. What sold me on it was its surprising, twangy lime taste, which really complemented the other spicy textures on the shell. I’ve never actually tried Fiery Doritos before, so maybe the experience here will be a little less drastic if you’ve tried those snacks before, but I was literally taken aback  (well, no, not really) by the item’s taste. Not only is it the best DLT to hit Taco Bell yet, it really is one of the more unique tasting products on their menu, too.

Long story short? The FIERY Doritos Locos Tacos are pretty freaking great, and you should try one. Or seventeen. After all, this is America, you know…

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General Mills Monster Cereals -- Retro Box Blowout!

The iconic breakfast cereals return...in limited-edition retro box form, no less!

Unless you've been living underneath a rock on Pluto for the last two months, you've probably heard about General Mills' genius plan to bring back its' two long-shelved (yet long-clamored for) "lost" monster cereals -- that being, Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy. Proving yet again that our side has won the Culture War, not only did General Mills re-launch the two horror cereals for Halloween 2013, they even released some special edition boxes of the delectable foodstuffs, modeled after the iconic packaging of the 1970s and 1980s!

My adulation for the General Mills family of monster cereals is well-documented, and really doesn't need reiterating at this point. That said, count me in as part of the legion of fans that are absolutely ECSTATIC about the relaunched brands, not to mention these Target-only exclusive boxes which, in all sincerity, probably deserve to be framed in the Louvre and shit.

Oh, Frute Brute. Oh Yummy Mummy. How we've longed for your return! The boxes here look spot on, and from what I recollect, the cereals themselves taste pretty dadgum similar to the original products, too. Let's take a look at these individual boxes in greater detail, shall we? 

What more needs to be said about Count Chocula? Clearly, his cereal is perhaps the most iconic of the bunch, and this box, despite being simplistic, is downright beautiful in its minimal aesthetics. You get some brown, some white, and just enough peach to make the Count look quasi-Anglican. I also really like how he's holding the spoon in such a dainty fashion -- no doubt, this choco-vampire has the austere charm and delicacy of a Bela Lugosi. Well, pre-doing a whole bunch of morphine and making Ed Wood movies Bela Lugosi, I suppose. 

The attention to detail on this box of Franken Berry is just amazing. Note the retro smattering of pink on the strawberry, like it was a printing smear or something. That's what I call going above and beyond the call of duty right there. Theoretically, going with a strawberry flavored Frankenstein is something of a risky move -- since Frankenstein's monster is typically depicted as green in hue, it perhaps would have been more conventional to have gone with a lime scheme -- but General Mills definitely succeeded with their gamble. I also really like how Franken Berry doesn't look anything at all like the Boris Karloff iteration of the character -- in fact, it's almost as if Franken Berry looks a tad robotic, as something of a steam-punk forerunner. And perhaps scoring LGBT rights points 40 years years before it was cool, this Frankenstein, apparently, don't feel no shame in sporting a bright pink manicure, neither.

Of all the General Mills monster cereals, I'd probably pick Boo Berry as my absolute favorite. For starters, it's pretty much the only good artificial blueberry flavored cereal on the market, and secondly, the character himself is modeled after Peter Lorre's character in "M" -- so, quite literally, the fine marketing folks at the other GM decided to create a children's breakfast mascot based on one of the most notorious child murderers in cinema history. That's kinda' like finding out the Pillsbury Dough Boy was modeled after John Wayne Gacy or something. As for the design of the box, I once again dig the simplistic pattern, which is more or less a two-color scheme of blue and white (and for reasons I really can't explain, I absolutely ADORE the little blue bubbles acting as a hyphen between "Boo" and "Berry" text.) Now, if only modern science could fully explain how one's digestive tract turns the purple cereal spinach-green in one's lower intestine, I'd be 100 percent satisfied with life as we know it. 

And now we come to Frute Brute, the first of two General Mills horror-cereals that's making their triumphant return to store shelves this Halloween. Out of all of the packages, I think this one might just be my favorite. For one, it's definitely the most colorful of the five, and there are just so many subtle -- yet awesome touches -- like Frute Brute's multi-colored suspenders and the orange and dark red strawberries positioned right next to the logo. I guess there's not too much you can do with an anthropomorphic wolf character, but I think GM did a pretty good job here. I especially dig the spiky fur and the almost but not quite uni-brow the titular mascot has going on. If they ever make a live-action movie, I think either of the Gallagher brothers would do nicely in the role.  

While strawberry flavored cereals really aren't that atypical, you really don't see that many cherry-flavored cereals on store shelves. On the surface, it's somewhat understandable -- traditionally, cherry has been one of the harder fruit flavors to recreate faithfully in artificial breakfast form -- but Frute Brute actually does taste pretty damn delicious, with a sweet cherry flavor that, while definitely noticeable, isn't too overwhelming, either. Really, that's the great thing, gustatorily, about these GM cereals -- it's not just that they have decent fruit flavors, it's the fact that they have such fine-tuned flavors that DON'T taste like novelty air-fresheners. The flavor chemists at GM deserve a pay raise, I tell you what.

And lastly, we come to Yummy Mummy, the other returning favorite for 2013. The design of the box is absolutely gorgeous, with lots of red and yellow and light pink -- in essence, it's like starring at an edible mural of the old Tampa Bay Buccaneers logo, or Mario after he eats a fire flower in "SMB 3." Yeah, it's kitschy as all hell, but when was that ever a negative for the All Hallow's Eve season?

As far as the cereal itself goes, it is indeed quite groovy, with a solid orange cream-sicle taste that, surprisingly, isn't nauseating or too artificial tasting. My great fear was that the stuff would taste really super-duper saccharine, like Fruity Pebbles and its ilk, but it actually has quite a subtle taste and texture. Traditionally, I'm not a fan of the citrus-flavored breakfast comestibles, but I'll be damned if Yummy Mummy didn't convert me. 

The back of all five packages are identical, with each featuring updated character designs in a comic that sorta' explains the background of Yummy Mummy and Frute Brute. And of course, the story ends with all five characters battling over a single container of milk, which, if you ask me, is actually a sly commentary on wealth inequity in America. Or not, but it probably is. 

Getting so many bonus points you would not believe, General Mills not only included some fine "Mega Monster Trivia" on the side panels of each cereal box, they even went the extra mile and made EACH set of questions on the brands different. That means if you buy all five retro boxes, you're going to learn at least 25 nuggets of wisdom that you didn't know earlier, like what Frute Brute's original catchphrase was ("the howling good taste of frute!") AND the fact that, at one point, BIGFOOT appeared on the packages of General Mills monster cereals. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I spent a good hour scouring the Internet to find photo- or video-graphic evidence of such. Anybody out there want to confirm this thing for us audiovisually?

And here's our rich panoply of multi-hued, multi-flavored monster cereals. As you can no doubt see, there's something of a "dark to lightest" spectrum going on here, with Count Chocula serving as one endcap of the rainbow and Yummy Mummy acting as the other.

Of course, with all of the cereals housed together in one room, I suppose it's only inevitable that I would get the urge to merge all of them into a single bowl of Halloween good cheer. Well, Halloween good cheer, with a side of soy milk, anyway. 

And here's the end dividend of dumping five boxes of limited-time only retro cereal into one translucent container. There's definitely a Fruity Pebbles vibe going on here, but the cereal bits certainly appear a whole lot bulkier. The hard part after this, I guess, is finding a way to begin my mornings WITHOUT slaking upon a heaping bowl of artificially flavored rainbow ghosts once these things officially go out of season.

And for good measure, here's an up-close shot of the Transylvanian pell-mell. If you're wondering what the dish tasted like, it's pretty hard to describe. Peculiarly, I don't think any one flavor took dominance over the others, so I could actually taste each and every individual cereal as I chewed it WITHOUT the combination as a whole merging into some weird-ass torrent of orange-choco-cherry-berry. It's a hard sensation to describe, I know, but trust me -- it's a really unique and, even stranger --not really all that gross of one, either.

So, at the end of the day, what more can be said about these delicious breakfast delicacies? As we all know, Count Chocula and the two Berries are among the finest individual breakfast cereals out there regardless of season, and I have to say I am quite pleased with how Yummy Mummy and Frute Brute turned out as well. As stated earlier, these retro boxes are Target exclusives, so if you don't have any chains in your neck of the woods, well, you might want to hit up the Google Maps and see what's around you. I'm not quite sure if General Mills will trot out Yummy Mummy and Frute Brute every year (even though they should), but a positive fan reaction this Halloween ought to be more than enough to get them to make them an annual offering. And hey, why stop there? If these things sell well enough, we might even have some NEW General Mills monster cereals on store shelves next Halloween. Creature from the Black LIME-goon, Phantom of the Oreos or Caramel Cthulhu cereals? Yes, and more yes, please...

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

FROM YOUR FIENDS AT THE INTERNET IS IN AMERICA!

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Drive-Invasion 2013!!

Classic Cars, Alabama Space Surf Rock, Veggie Dogs, A 35mm Print of “The Last Starfighter” and MORE!

There’s usually a lot of stuff going on in Atlanta over Labor Day weekend. Typically, there’s some racing going down at Atlanta Motor Speedway and there’s usually some SEC football of some kind going on at the Georgia Dome. Then, there’s the art festivals at Grant Park, and of course, all of the nerdy tomfoolery present at the Marriot and Hilton. That said, when I think of the Dogwood City and Labor Day festivities, there’s just one thing I can dwell upon: Drive-Invasion.

I wrote about last year’s Drive-Invasion, and I’ve written about the Starlight Six Drive-In explicitly on more than one occasion. That said, I really can’t help but NOT talk about it, because gosh-darn it, venues and events of the like are a dying breed, and whatever I can do to prolong their life expectancies is an utmost priority.

Most young-uns today will never know the joy of visiting a drive-in movie theater. Tis a shame, really, because I am now whole-heartedly convinced that there’s no better way to enjoy a flick than while seated behind the wheel of your ride, with a cup of popcorn in the drink holder and movie audio blasting out of your in-car stereo system. Really, it’s such a comprehensively American experience, an admixture of rugged individualism (technically, you’re not REALLY in an audience while you watch the movie) and full sensorial experientialism. You’re not just watching a movie, you’re experiencing something -- the night wind in your hair, the twinkling stars above, the occasional fistfight on the blacktop. And you can also smoke weed and have sex at a drive-in, which are two prohibited activities that are really, really hard to pull off at your local Mega-Plex.

Drive-Invasion, as such, is really a celebration of that drive-in mentality -- the pseudo-machismo, the not-so-pseudo scumminess, the car exhaust, the greasy hamburgers and of course, the completely unabashed aversion to class and cleanliness altogether. People pee wherever they want, walk around with their shirts off, blast antiquated surf-rock music during features and hoot and holler while watching utter trite in beautifully anachronistic 35mm. It’s a celebration of a dead America, and I for one, cannot help but want to dance on its grave like everybody else.

The festivities at Drive-Invasion 2013 began fairly early -- like, 10 in the morning kind of early -- but you know I’m not waking up that early for anything. This year’s musical set list was decent -- with a decisively awesome main act -- but by and large, I really can’t say I was too excited about seeing the 9,000 rockabilly acts that played over the course of the day. So, as I do every year, I arrived about three or so hours before movie kickoff time. And from there, the exploration doth begun…

Since it’s a drive-in, I suppose it’s not all that surprising that a large contingent of “classic” cars were on display. Maybe I’m lacking a protein strand in my Y chromosomes or something, because despite the perpetual cultural reinforcements (Tim the Toolman likes cars, so I should too, right?),  I’ve never really been what you would call an automotive enthusiast. I mean, don’t get me wrong, games like “Super Monaco GP” and, uh, “Al Unser Jr.’s Turbo Racing” are cool and all, but outside of the brief guffaw, I’m not really sure what the “appeal” of a real-life “shaggin’ wagon” is supposed to be.

As was the case last year, there were also quite a few vendors on display. My favorite was this one tent, that had an absolute hodgepodge of nostalgic nonsense for everyone to peruse through…no matter if your pop-cultural “things” are Ginger Spice action figures, “Happy Days” board games, books about Ed Wood or mini-posters of “Eegah!” which were clearly NOT printed off a computer and sold at the exorbitant price of $10 per art piece. Never.

Give these fellas some credit, though. I mean, in this one picture alone, practically EVERY conceivable pop culture base appears to be covered. Whether you are a fan of Halloween masks, Mad magazine prints, obscure vinyl selections, 1990s X-Men action figures, Elvis memorabilia OR Florida Gators paraphernalia, there was probably something at this booth that at least made you think about reaching for a ten dollar bill or two.

Oh, and if you were a fan of outsider art, devil worship, or "Friendship is Magic?"

There were even some unique folk paintings on display, in case you need to class up your man cave and/or Satanic altar sometime.

My favorite piece of kitsch this year HAD to have been this VHS copy of “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park,” the classic made-for-TV piece of shit starring America’s favorite media creation rock and rollers running around in suspiciously dark environments while family-friendly horror violence surrounds them. I’m not really sure if this here cassette was an authorized copy of the flick or not, but the gloriously awful box art -- which looks like something a Chinese bootlegger’s laptop barfed up -- is so hideously beautiful that I had clench my wallet to keep from tossing $20 at the cashier.

Of course, it really couldn’t be a celebration of all things white trash without some fine eatin’, and this year, we were lucky enough to have a couple of entrepreneurial foodies on site to provide us with some contextually impressive monster-themed comestibles.

You got to give it up to these folks: it's one thing to have a monster-themed food truck, but to have this much of a dedication to the gimmick is pretty damn impressive. I mean, "Wolfman's Nachos?" How could anyone with a soul turn something that awesome-sounding down? Alas, as a sorta' vegetarian, there was precious few I could chew on here, so I instead hit up the iconic snack bar's tofu veggie dogs instead. And if you've never tasted the gustatory joy that is tofu dog, golden brown mustard AND Texas Pete sauce together, you, my friend, really ought to re-evaluate your life plans.

The big musical act appearing at Drive-Invasion 2013 was Man or Astro-Man?, probably the finest sci-fi tinged surf-rock electro-punk-a-billy act to ever rise out of the depths of Auburn, Ala. While I may have preferred the dulcimer tones of prior Drive-Invasion headliners Black Lips and Roky Erickson a bit more, I have to admit, I was quite impressed by Man or Astro-Man? If nothing else, you have to really dig the audio-visual component of their stage show, which not only includes wall-to-wall sci-fi video screen mayhem but even an appearance by a Tesla Coil…which the front man then set on fire. Well, what else are you going to do with one of those things?

The real draw of Drive-Invasion, however, are the movies, and to some extent, I would be lying a bit if I said I wasn’t somewhat disappointed by this year’s crop of movies. For starters, they only screened three movies this year, when in years past, we were able to cram in four movies PLUS some Three Stooges and Bugs Bunny shorts before they told everybody to leave. And hell, one year, they even managed to screen movies for TWO full days! With that knowledge in mind, this year's trifecta of '80s sci-fi flicks had a lot less appeal to me than it would have for most folks -- primarily because I don’t like the 1980s and sci-fi is probably my third least favorite genre, behind high gloss action movies and big budget fantasies. That said, the set list was still fairly entertaining, and if nothing else, very, very nostalgia-inducing. To some degree, it was like camping out AND watching a rather ho-hum episode of “Monstervision” at the same time…it may not have been the BEST possible arrangement, but what you ended up with you really couldn’t complain about too much, either.

Movie Number One:

“The Last Starfighter” (1984)

Now here’s a flick I’ve seen on cable TV probably ten or fifteen times (which is still 30 or 40 less screenings than I’ve caught of such perpetually-aired flicks as “Problem Child 2” or “The Beastmaster.”) And while I’ve never really been a particularly big fan of the film, per se, I can at least enjoy it for its cheesy sincerity.

Having not seen the film in probably 15 or so years, I was a little conflicted about the overall movie. The first part of the flick -- which has our Kirk Cameron look-alike lead actor running around a trailer park and kicking all kinds of ass on an arcade game called, not surprisingly, “Starfighter” -- is actually pretty decent, but as soon as the film makes that great leap to sci-fi fare -- with the hero getting abducted by aliens and learning the ins and outs of piloting his own spaceship -- the movie starts to drag.

For those of you that have never seen “The Last Starfighter,” the premise, I assure you, is much better than the execution. So, there’s this kid, who gets a high score on this arcade game (really, the best scene in the movie, as it features a whole host of co-stars celebrating like it was New Year’s Eve or something -- complete with the stereotypical aged, black, rocking-chair bound sage screaming “he’s about to bust the record!” even though you know the director had to have kept telling him, over and over again, that the appropriate term is actually “break the record”.) Shortly thereafter, the kid is greeted by a dude dressed like a carnival barker and driving a pimped-out ride CLEARLY not at all inspired by “Back to the Future,”  who proceeds to offer the kid a job as an intergalactic space ship pilot. And interestingly, in the world of “Starfighter,” space ships are commonly referred to as “Gunstars,” which, for some reason, reminds me of a certain, iconic Sega Genesis title.

While the lead actor learns how to be “The Last Starfighter” (all of the others had been killed in battle, as it turns out), we’re introduced to the villains of the film, which are your common assortment of weird-haircut-sporting space Romans and crab-faced, laser-gun toting alien warriors. Meanwhile, the lead character has been replaced on Earth by a high-tech robot, which leads to some feeble attempts at comedy and an exploding pick-up truck.

The thing that I found odd about the flick was that, for all intents and purposes, it concludes with about half an hour left in the picture. Seriously, at about the one hour mark, the enemy alien spaceship has been destroyed, so for the next 30 minutes, it’s just the space fighter dude and his raisin-headed alien co-pilot buddy going back to the trailer park and saying goodbye to everybody and trying to convince the dude’s girlfriend to join him in outer space.

Allegedly, the film was among the first to extensively use CGI effects -- which, not surprisingly, look pretty shitty by modern standards. Also, the film was directed by Nick Castle, who played Michael Myers in the first “Halloween” movie. And the movie was supposed to have a corresponding arcade game released by Atari, but it never happened -- even if the game did resurface as a fairly mediocre NES game about five years after the flick was first in theaters.

So yeah, all in all, not really a great movie, by any stretch, but we could -- and have -- done much worse before at the Starlight. Much, much, MUCH worse, actually.

Movie Number Two:

“The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension!”

I’ve never seen “Buckaroo Banzai” before, but since the film has such a  vaunted reputation on the Intraweb, I figured it would at least be worth a gander.

For starters, the cast in this one is downright amazing: Peter Weller, Christopher Lloyd, Jeff Goldblum (who, for some reason, wears a cowboy outfit for a majority of the picture) AND John Lithgow, all in the same movie? That’s a recipe for quirky awesomeness if there ever was one.

Overall, I though “Banzai” was a mostly entertaining movie, but damn was it ever unfocused. It was like the producers of the film wanted to make the flick using about six or seven different genre approaches, and at the end of pre-production, they couldn’t settle on which one they wanted to use and just went with all of them. A comedy-sci-fi-romance-musical-satire-action movie? It works in parts, but as a comprehensive film, “Banzai” is mostly a maddening muddle of a motion picture.

The film largely revolves around Robocop, who is some sort of neuroscientist rocket-car driver who’s invented a one-dimensional laser gun that allows him to drive through mountains and enter a different plane of existence. The thing is, that same dimension is home to some nefarious alien beings, whom only Robocop can tell are aliens because he got zapped by extra-terrestrial lightning and can thus see past their Christopher Lloyd Halloween masks. Oh, and John Lithgow is a Russian nuclear scientist that’s working on his own extradimensional ray gun, by hooking his tongue up to a car battery and entering some supra-neural phase where he works with Japanese dudes building a space buggy that really don’t work right. And because there’s not enough shit going on, there’s also some hi-jinks involving Banzai’s new wave funk rock band and fan club and this one girl that was crying at one of their shows and later tries to assassinate him.

I’m not really sure what kind of movie these people were aiming for. It’s a little too focused to be a cornball parody film a’la “Spaceballs,” but at the same time, it’s just too affable to be a legitimate off-the-beaten path sci-fi satire, either -- think, something alike “Repo Man” or even “The Wraith” -- you know, that one movie where Charlie Sheen plays an alien ghost that drag races people out in the desert. Even so, the music in  “Banzai” is good, and it has a decent pace, and for the most part, it’s an enjoyable feature. Still, I think I would’ve enjoyed seeing something like “Critters” instead, but then again, I’d probably watch “Critters” then do most other things, anyway.

Movie Number Three:

“John Carpenter’s The Thing” (1982)

And we conclude our all-night cheese-a-thon with a movie that is rightfully considered one of the best sci-fi horror flicks of the 1980s -- which was made even better because the print of the movie the drive-in used was pretty worn, giving the entire screen this faded, blood-red hue. That would be a major negative for most showings, but considering this is “The Thing,” well…it’s actually an inadvertent stroke of blind fortune.

What more can be said about this movie? It’s well acted, the special effects are terrific (they actually hold up pretty well, even now) and the atmospherics are just grand. The suspense here is just fantastic, and it remains one of the better pictures under Carpenter’s directorial oeuvre. Yes, even better than “Memoirs of an Invisible Man,” if you can believe it.

The characters in the film are pretty flat, but since it’s about a bunch of gruff dudes just hanging out in the South Pole and being drunk most of the time, I guess there’s really no need for anyone to put on a Laurence Olivier-caliber job in this one. Kurt Russell does a rather commendable job of playing the exact same character he plays in every John Carpenter movie, and the rest of the cast -- which includes the black dude from “They Live” and Wilford Brimley in one of his few non-diabetes-mentioning roles -- is pretty good, too. Of course, the real stars of the flick are the ooey-gooey special effects, and as stated earlier, they do hold up surprisingly well all these years later. I guess my favorite bit is the part where the dude’s stomach turns into a set of rock candy teeth and bites that other guy’s arms off, but the poking-everybody’s-blood-with-a-hot-coat-hanger-sequence is pretty high up there, too. In short? It’s not one of my favorite creature feature flicks of the decade, nor do I think it’s as good as some allege it to be, but I ended up enjoying it a bit more than I thought I would. It was clearly the best flick of the night, and if there’s a better way to be sent off into the wee morning hours than with the image of Snake Plisken running around setting stuff ablaze with a flamethrower still dancing in your sleep-deprived noggin, I really don’t want to know about it.

And after all of those shenanigans -- the rock and rolling, the 80s movie watching, the soda chugging and putting down three tofu dogs in secession in less than a minute -- you HAVE to end the ordeal with a sound breakfast, no? As anyone worth a damn will tell you, all adventures worth setting sail for always end with an appearance at the Steak N Shake nearest to your house, and by god, there better be some blueberry pancakes involved, to some capacity.

And also, an order of chocolate chip pancakes, because as we all no doubt know, after 4:30 A.M, calories just stop counting.

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My LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play from Opening Day's Raiders vs. Colts Game

12:16 PM EST -- Well, another season is upon us, and you know things are looking up when the NFL on Fox crew is debating whether or not your favorite team will win A game this year. If you don't know the joy of Terry Bradshaw telling the entire country that your franchise needs to be dismantled and relocated, you sir, know nothing of the concept of "misery."

12:18 PM EST -- Not surprisingly, there are quite a bit of Atlanta Falcons supporters at the sports bar this afternoon. And judging from the smell of the place, they apparently enjoy smoking paper towel rolls.

12:19 PM EST -- But seriously, Falcons fans are some of the most hideous looking people on the planet. At least us Raiders fans have the good sense to cover our mugs with face paint and shit.

12:20 PM EST -- Terrelle Pryor is our starting QB for the Raiders, and...for now...D-Mac is in the backfield. Whether or not that's the case come week 8, nobody can tell at this juncture.

12:23 PM EST -- The Fox crew sure is talking about the Jets a lot. Did CBS and Fox swap conferences this season?

12:24 PM EST -- Well, at least we've got Charles Woodson again. If I could find that jersey I had from the 10th grade, I would totally be wearing it right now.

12:26 PM EST -- Jacoby Ford is expected to handle both punt and kick return duties this evening. With a straight face, I can tell you that our special teams is the ONLY thing I feel 100 percent confident about this year. IF YOUR TEAM'S BEST SELLING JERSEY HAS A PLACEHOLDER'S NAME ON IT, YOU MIGHT BE AN OAKLAND RAIDERS FAN.

12:29 PM EST -- Theoretically, which would you prefer? L.A., London, or splittin' rent with the Niners? Just...wondering.

12:30 PM EST -- And the Fox folks are STILL talking about Geno Smith and the Jets.

12:31 PM EST -- I am convinced that Tony Siragusa is actually the kid that played Josh Birnbaum in "Heavyweights" all grown up.

12:35 PM EST -- Huh, there actually is a guy out there named Josh Birnbaum, and he used to work for Goldman Sachs, too. Hmm...

12:36 PM EST -- This year's halftime act at the Super Bowl will be Bruno Mars. My condolences to second place runner-up, Manowar.

12:38 PM EST -- I actually do like Bruno Mars, though. Especially back when he was called Lenny Kravitz.

12:38 PM EST -- I guess we're supposed to talk a bit about the Colts, no? Well, they're favored in this one. By a bunch.

12:40 PM EST -- Adding injury to injury, one of Andrew Luck's new targets this year is Darrius Heyward-Bey. And I seriously had NO IDEA that Reggie Wayne is still playing football.

12:41 PM EST -- As a plus, it is rather easy to make a homemade Andrew Luck voodoo doll. I mean, shit, all you need is a piece of broccoli, and you've got a near perfect facsimile of the Colts' QB right in front of you.

12:42 PM EST -- Less than twenty minutes until kickoff/my four month PMS cycle.

12:43 PM EST -- Prop bet time: Will the over/under for Raiders penalties today be plus or minus 20?

12:44 PM EST -- I hear Peyton Manning is a pretty good quarterback and stuff. Thank god he isn't on the opposite of the field today! And...oh, yeah. Never mind.

12:48 PM EST -- UFC fighter Glover Teixiera is the illegitimate love child of Jay Glazer. Has to be.

12:52 PM EST -- There are bout 49 flat screen TVs here that are crystal clear and fully functional. Guess which game the sole shitty static-y one will be playing this afternoon.

1:09 PM EST -- It has taken them THIS long to find the game on the NFL Ticket. If stuff happened during the first five minutes of the game, I sure as hell missed out on it.

1:10 PM EST -- Third and three for the Raiders. And Denarius Moore with enough for the first down. Raiders in Colts territory now.

1:11 PM EST -- D-Mac with nothing on the first carry.

1:12 PM EST -- AND PRYOR WITH AN INT. But there is a flag on the play, though.

1:13 PM EST -- Indy retains possession. Well, of course they would.

1:14 PM EST -- This defense hasn't even taken the field, and I'm already feeling suicidal.

1:15 PM EST -- The Colts literally play in a giant basketball arena.

1:16 PM EST -- There are some holes in the Raiders run defense. And also, water is occasionally moist in its most natural of states.

1:17 PM EST -- And Andrew Luck with an easy first down, thrown to...who else?...Heyward- Bey.

1:19 PM EST -- Raiders offside. And enough for a new set off downs on the next play.

1:20 PM EST -- Reggie Wayne with a pick-up of like 40. It's not even an hour into the first game of the season, and FML already.

1:21 PM EST -- IF YOU'VE EVER SAID "I REALLY WANT THE OTHER TEAM TO SCORE JUST TO GET OUR DEFENSE OFF THE FIELD," YOU MIGHT BE AN OAKLAND RAIDERS FAN.

1:22 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN COLTS. The word "porous" doesn't even begin to describe the Raiders pass defense.

1:24 PM EST -- Raiders with 48 total yards, the Colts with 84.

1:25 PM EST -- Pryor back on the field...for whatever that's worth.

1:28 PM EST -- A decent run up the gut by DMC. Rod Streator with a decent gain for a new set of downs.

1:29 PM EST -- DMC with no gain on first down. Flags EVERYWHERE for a Raiders false start.

1:31 PM EST -- Thus far, Streator is proving a better HB than DMC. Third and six coming up.

1:31 PM EST -- Dennis Allen, by the way, just turned 19.

1:33 PM EST -- Second quarter begins. And the Raiders come up short. Having Pryor in a third and long situation brings about the same amount of trepidation that you'd expect from para-sailing during a hurricane.

1:34 PM EST -- Well, there's Matt Flynn on the sideline. Yep, he sure is. There, on the sideline.

1:37 PM EST -- THEY'RE GOING FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN! And now they get a delay of game penalty. Our best offensive strategy is trying to get the other time to go offsides. Dead. Serious.

1:39 PM EST -- The irony of RICH GANNON calling this game is both horrible and more horrible at the same time.

1:40 PM EST -- Third and nine for the Colts. And an easy pick-up. And a holding call on the Raiders. Usually, it takes the team at least until October to make me abandon all forms of hope in this world of ours. At least they're getting more efficient in ONE area, I suppose.

1:42 PM EST -- My favorite thing about football are the seven months where it isn't happening.

1:44 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN COLTS. 

1:46 PM EST -- You know how earlier, Terry Bradshaw was pondering whether or not the Raiders would win a game this season? Hell, at this point, I think the question can be raised whether or not the Raiders will score A touchdown in 2013.

1:49 PM EST -- 14-0 in favor of the Colts. Will the Raiders be this year's 2008 Detroit Lions?

1:50 PM EST -- I can't wait for Jadeveon Clowney to out-Jamarcus Russell Jamarcus Russell in 2014.

1:52 PM EST -- All right, Terrelle...if you gotta be Cam Newton Lite to score, I say do your "thing" Cam Newton Lite!

1:54 PM EST-- Pryor is the best NFL running back since Tim Tebow. And the Raiders are in the red zone for the first time all day.

1:58 PM  EST -- Raiders just a yard or two away fro pay dirt.

1:59 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!

2:00 PM EST -- DMC up the gut for a facile TD. That's the first rushing TD scored by the Raiders since Oct 14. 2013.

2:01 PM EST -- Total yardage? Raiders, 169, Colts, 153.

2:02 PM EST -- Not surprisingly, Pryor is our rushing leader thus far into the evening. Looks like our new offensive strategy is "let Terrelle cosplay as Michael Vick," and we at least have a fighting chance, offensively.

2:05 PM EST -- Best defensive showing by the Raiders all day. Can the Raiders O put a couple of more points on the board before halftime?

2:06 PM EST -- Do you think the league would let the Raiders put Sebastian Janikowski at QB, and let him kick passes to our receivers? He'd have to have a better completion rate than Carson Palmer, at least.

2:08 PM EST -- Two minute warning approaching, with the Raiders facing a 3 and 1.

2:10 PM EST -- Is kissing a girl that smokes e-cigarettes as gross as kissing a girl that smokes normal cigarettes? Those things weren't en vogue back in my barhopping days, and I'll be forever curious.

2:12 PM EST -- Marceel Reece, I hate you more than anyone who doesn't actually know you should ever hate you.

2:13 PM EST -- And the Raiders D with their first sack of the afternoon. I'd say the defense is showing some signs of life, but...yeah, we'll torch that bridge when we get to it.

2:14 PM EST -- Third and 16 for the Colts. And no good. Two very, very impressive showings from the Raiders secondary on these last two drives.

2:15 PM EST -- Raiders get the ball at about midfield, with less than a minute to go.

2:17 PM EST -- And Pryor gets flattened on a fake hand-off attempt. Third and 13 upon us, with twenty seconds left in the half.

2:18 PM EST -- Here comes the field goal unit. Sea-bass was 25 for 25 inside the 50 last season.

2:19 PM EST -- So, of course, he shanks it. In some ways, the fact that the Raiders are down by just a field goal is a miracle in its own right.

2:20 PM EST -- Halftime thoughts? Well, Pryor looked really, really good on that one drive, so I doubt they won't stray from the offensive scheme too much. After doing their best Swiss cheese impersonation for the first 20 minutes of the game, the Raiders D looked pretty impressive on its last two outings. If the Raiders have any chance of stealing this one, it's going to be on the back of their run game.

2:22 PM EST -- Oakland with 202 yards, compared to Indy's 156. The Raiders have outrun the Colts 88 to 39, while Andrew Luck has out-passed T-Pryor by just three yards (117 to 114.)

2:23 PM EST -- There are some weird-ass scores across the league right now. KC is beating Jacksonville 21 to 2, while Tennessee leads Pittsburgh 7 to 2. And the Bucs are leading the Jets, 14 to 5. If you like safeties, this must be a great day to be a football fan.

2:31 PM EST -- Colts with possession to begin the third.

2:32 PM EST -- Holy shit, has anybody else noticed just how much Rich Gannon looks like Peter Weller these days?

2:34 PM EST -- And the Raiders switch back to their "Swiss Cheese" package, it appears...

2:35 PM EST -- Third and two for the Colts. No completion, but a pass interference call on the Raiders D negates it.

2:37 PM EST -- Third and nine. And Luck survives a mad blitz for a new set of downs.

2:39 PM EST -- Personal foul call on Colts. Fist and 25 for Indy.

2:40 PM EST -- And NOW the Raiders D decides to sack Luck. We've got a third and 31 on the horizon.

2:41 PM EST -- And the Raiders will start their next offensive drive from the Colts' 15. Pushing the Colts out of field goal range on that last drive was downright pivotal; that's gotta' give the team a little bit of confidence.

2:44 PM EST -- The Raiders' strategy on offense now? Run, run, and if in doubt, run some more.

2:46 PM EST -- And Pryor scrambles for what should be a new set of downs. Third and one, actually.

2:50 PM EST -- Pryor with a pick-up of damn near thirty! Raiders now in Colts territory.

2:51 PM EST -- And a holding call on the Colts. Pryor with 91 rushing yards on the day.

2:52 PM EST -- And Pryor is officially turning this into a game of "Madden NFL 2004."

2:53 PM EST -- Pryor runs it for close to a first down, and also kills a chain gang official in the process. Out comes the special teams unit.

2:54 PM EST -- And the Raiders put an extra three on the board. 14-10, Colts.

2:56 PM EST -- Clearly, the Raiders need another TD, and without saying, they've got to keep the Colts from putting any numbers on the board if they want to win this one.

2:58 PM EST -- Don't look now, but the Raiders are leading the Colts right now in rushing, passing and total yardage.

3:00 PM EST -- Colts doing very good up the middle. The Raiders D might want to take note of that.

3:02 PM EST -- Third and one coming up for the Colts. And the Raiders stop them. And the Colts are going for it on 4th and inches. AND LUCK GETS SACKED!

3:03 PM EST -- Raiders will begin at close to the Colts' 40.

3:04 PM EST -- If he keeps it up, I might just name my first born "Kevin Burnett."

3:06 PM EST -- And Pryor scrambles for another first down.

3:09 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!

3:10 PM EST -- DMC with a 30 yard TD reception. Which is being reviewed...

3:11 PM EST -- AND IT'S OVERTURNED! I HATE FOOTBALL, SO MUCH!

3:12 PM EST -- Raiders pick up a new set of downs within the Colts' 20.

3:13 PM EST -- Second and 10. And now a third and 10.

3:14 PM EST -- And a mad scramble allows the Raiders to push it within the five!

3:16 PM EST -- Delay of Game penalty. Second and goal for the Raiders.

3:17 PM EST -- And third and goal at the five.

3:17 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!

3:18 PM EST -- Denarius Moore with a five yard TD pick-up. The Raiders lead 17-14.

3:19 PM EST -- The Raiders have outyarded the Colts, by the way, 311 to 215. The Colts "D" has given up 17 unanswered points, also by the way : )

3:21 PM EST -- 2nd and 15 for the Colts. Now a third and eight. Indy converts.

3:24 PM EST -- A neutral zone infraction on the Raiders. About eight minutes left in regulation. Luck goes deep, and nothing. Third and two coming up.

3:26 PM EST -- Colts take a timeout. They have just one left.

3:28 PM EST -- And the Colts convert. Luck overthrows on second down.

3:29 PM EST -- Colts close to another first down. And a 15 yard penalty on the Raiders. F. M. L.

3:30 PM EST -- Six minutes left in regulation. Vinateri is definitely in FG range.

3:31 PM EST -- Incomplete pass. Third and three for Indy.

3:32 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN COLTS. 

3:33 PM EST -- Luck rushes it to make it 21-17 Raiders. Remember that field goal Janikowksi shanked earlier? Yeah. Me, too.

3:35 PM EST -- Raiders will begin at their own twenty. That gives Pryor five and a half minute to wrap this one up.

3:36 PM EST -- 2nd and 3rd. And now a third and one.

3:39 PM EST -- A 41 YARD RECEPTION FOR THE RAIDERS! And the Raiders get a five yard penalty on the next play for too many men in the huddle.

3:41 PM EST -- First and 15. DMC with a pick up of about five.

3:42 PM EST -- Third and Nine. Woo, boy. And the Raiders drop it. And get a holding penalty. F. M. L.

3:44 PM EST -- Fourth down, about nine to go, two minutes left in the game. This is it, folks.

3:45 PM EST -- AND THE RAIDERS CONVERT! Moore takes it within the ten!

3:47 PM EST -- Second and goal. And third and goal, with thirty three seconds left!

3:48 PM EST --

3:49 PM EST -- And in an homage to Peyton Manning, Terrelle Pryor decides to throw a game-losing INT at the most dramatic possible time. As it turns out, that missed FG earlier WOULDN'T have saved us the game. But it sure as hell would've made a crushing loss even more crushing. God. Damn. The World. All of it.

3:50 PM EST -- And the Raiders snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory, losing an absolute heart-breaker 21-17.

3:51 PM EST -- I hate football, with a passion.

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Why Right Wing “Individualists” are, Inherently, Idiots

Don’t worry about the state…worry about those that are worried about the state instead

Looking at the right wing fringes of America, three factions stand out: libertarians (whom believe all of the world’s ills could be solved by deregulating everything), conspiracy theorists (whom believe all of the world’s ills could be solved by overthrowing an international banking cartel which may or may not actually exist), and pro-gun militia types (whom, of course, believe all of the world’s ills could be solved by shooting them.)

The common theme among the three groups is apparent: they’re all a bunch of idiots. And I mean that in the most classical sense of the word.

You see, the term “idiot” is derived from this squiggly-looking Greek thing, which roughly translated, means “one in a private station.”  There’s a very similar term in Latin, which more or less refers to “an ignorant person.” Eventually, the Athenians merged the two definitions together, using “idiot” as a pejorative to describe individuals that were more concerned with private affairs than public matters.

“An idiot is one whose self-centeredness undermines his or her citizen identity, causing it to wither or never take root in the first place,” wrote Walter C. Parker. “Private gain is the goal, and the community had better not get in the way.” A couple of millenniums before that, Aristotle wrote “individuals are so many parts all equally depending on the whole which alone can bring self-sufficiency.” In 2007, Benjamin Barber penned an entire book about how self-centered materialism promotes “private individuals” by stripping them of public citizenship.

When examining right-wing libertarians, gun-proponents and conspiracy theorists, the recurring theme is a complete and utter rejection of what the Greeks called “polis” -- that  is, the collective state, with a common good. Instead of viewing themselves as members of a community, they view themselves as segregated bodies, whose personal interests supersede the needs of society as a whole. In short, they reject true citizenship for a selfish state of so-called “individualism,” completely oblivious to the fact that things like privacy and personal autonomy hinge completely on communal success.

“Idiots do not take part in public life,” Parker continued. “They do not have a public life. In this sense, idiots are immature in the most fundamental way.” Individuals of the like, he writes, never progress through puberty -- in essence, an actual transition to public life.

Libertarians, hardcore Second Right crusaders and conspiracy proponents all share a complete and utter hatred (fear?) of society, with anything even remotely resembling socialist policy turning into acts of governmental oppression and/or tyranny.

The hyper-individualists of today’s America would clearly be objects of scorn in the heyday of Athenian rule -- a society-first organism with immersion into the public, to help further the commonweal, as a top priority. To the Greeks, today’s fringe right-wingers were actually something worse than idiots -- they were cowards, to boot.

The problem the three factions haven’t figured out yet is that, under their policies, there can be no such thing as a social system. The Libertarian utopia would more or less transfer utmost political power into the hands of Big Business -- basically, eliminating one “totalitarian” overlord for one with even less oversight. The radical pro-gun folks -- with their perpetual cry of ‘states rights’ -- would dismantle society for a fascistic state where armed individuals appoint themselves lethal protectorates (which is precisely what has happened in the small town of Gilberton, Pennsylvania.) Perhaps most unsettling of all, the ideal conspiracy theorist state -- the one envisioned by many an Alex Jones supporter -- is a regressive, anarchic anti-society, which fluctuates from being ironically despotic to borderline Stone Age in design.

These individuals are prone to describing socialism as a slippery slope to governmental enslavement. Collectivization, they say, is the first step towards feudalism. Bring up policies that promote a general welfare, and they automatically bring up the NSDAP and Mao’s China. Never mind that both Hitler and Stalin -- clear individualists if there ever were ones -- came to power because of a lack of social cohesion in their soon-to-be-conquered domains. A true citizenry in post World War I Germany, or Russia, or China would have likely prevented hyper-idiots of the like from ever rising to prominence.

Nor should it be stated, I suppose, that it was an extremely collectivistic U.S. society that was responsible for whooping the asses of three individualist states during World War II (and before you give me a spiel about Japan being the prototypical collectivist society, read this and shut your trap.) And of course, never, EVER bring up the fact that tax-funded public projects like the Interstate system and the Internet were single-handedly responsible for allowing individuals in the U.S. to achieve wealth that, otherwise, would have been completely unobtainable.

The federal system -- be it a centralized bank or the Executive Office -- are seen as impositions on the individual instead of mechanisms of the citizenry. Social welfare programs aren’t seen as means of promoting a greater good for society -- that is, aiding others to reach a middle-class state -- but a molestation of individuals, who consider such “redistribution of wealth.” For such individuals, the only moral compass is their own self-importance, which is almost always buttressed by a sense of self-righteousness that borders on vigilantism. Simply put, they believe there should be no such thing as “public” -- an ideal that, perhaps ironically, completely makes the concept of “citizenship” an impossibility.

All three factions, at heart, place their own special interest wants above the needs of the masses. To hell with “the greater good,” they say, instead embracing states of self-autonomy that are secured by materialism, violence or psychosis.  The absolute impossible is what they demand…a state that rejects the idea of a state, a citizenry that rejects the idea of citizenship.

These fringe minorities worship the Bill of Rights, while completely disregarding the United States Constitution that it’s a part of -- you know, that thing that has the Supremacy Clause in it. They bemoan violations of their “rights”  by the government while helping passing legislation that prevents federal agencies from even researching pressing public concerns because it might just call ‘em out on their bullshit. They condemn the feds for fascistic tyranny, and then threaten an armed uprising -- something that doesn’t sound fascistic or tyrannical at all. The government and “the banking system” becomes their proxy for society itself -- that changing, more globalized and indisputably more progressive thing that, try as they may, they just can’t change.

Factional extremism could frighten me, but at the end of the day, I don’t let it. After all…society always moves forward, while the idiots are the ones that always get left behind.

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Jimbo Goes to the Movies: “The Act of Killing” (2012) Review

Not only is it one of the most inventive documentaries in recent memory, it may very well be the best movie you’ll see in any theater this year.

Without question, it’s been a pretty ho-hum summer at the box office. While comic book hokum and nerd-pandering fare like “Man of Steel,” “Star Trek: Into Darkness” and “Kick Ass 2” made tons of dinero and inspired countless chats on Reddit and IGN about the “deeper subtext” of the juvenilely fascistic genre offerings, filmgoers in pursuit of something a little bit more nourishing have had scant cinematic options over the last few months.

“The Act of Killing” -- a film with the backing of documentary titans Errol Morris and Werner Herzog -- is the kind of movie that comes out of absolutely nowhere and then proceeds to hammer you like a typhoon in the middle of the night. Amid so much depressing, distressing and woefully infantile pop culture, the documentary -- a joint Danish/Norwegian/British collaboration, helmed by a virtual unknown named Joshua Oppenheimer -- serves as a much-needed palate cleanser, and in some ways, an even more-necessary reminder that the cinematic form can be used to do something more than simply arouse the senses and kill time.

The premise behind the documentary is one of the most inventive I’ve heard in quite some time. Not content with simply interviewing a bunch of paramilitary brutes about their murderous forays during the Cold War, the filmmakers behind “The Act of Killing” asked the same gangsters that were responsible for the deaths of nearly a million communists to recreate their own war crimes on camera. The two primary subjects of the film -- an eerie Nelson Mandela-doppelganger named Anwar Congo and Herman Koto, an obese mobster that spends half the film in drag -- both served as “movie theater gangsters” back in Suharto’s heyday, making a living off screening Al Pacino and John Wayne flicks when they weren’t murdering alleged communists. In interviews, they frankly discuss how Hollywood mobster movies influenced their paramilitary activities; they used to merely pummel dissidents to a pulp, but after watching “The Godfather,” they decided to start strangling commies to death with steel wire instead. From the outset of the film, Congo brags about using the method to personally kill about a thousand people.

Despite being self-described mass murderers, neither Congo or Koto seem too disturbed about their past doings. In Indonesia, they’re actually seen as heroes to some extent, being the founders of a paramilitary death squad called Pancasila Youth. They do interviews on state-sponsored television, where the audiences cheer as they reflect on “crushing the communists” half a century ago. The current heads of the organization appear to be a bunch of bored hyper-consumers -- when not giving rabble rousing speeches while draped in their red and black camo regalia, they make off-color jokes about women while golfing and amble about aimlessly in shopping malls with their families. Yeah, they’ve killed a few people, they casually remark, but it just doesn’t bother them.

Congo and Koto’s excitement regarding the project is so unexpectedly exuberant, you can’t help but get swept up in their emotional investment in the project. Congo, the more solemn of the pair, has a very frank, almost sterile disposition, serving as a perfect foil to Koto’s hyper-charismatic, overly talkative nature. They begin the film by taking the documentary crew over for a recreation of a house raid sequence. It takes them a while to find a family that’s willing to take part, but eventually, they manage to coax a few villagers. Congo and Koto then bark orders and start manhandling the actors’ children like rag dolls. Real tears stream from their eyes as their mother feigns -- perhaps -- absolute terror. And then; scene’s over, everybody claps, and a chuckle is had by all. That is, except for the still weeping children, whom have a hard time distinguishing make-believe from real life sadism.

Ever the cinephiles, both Congo and Koto want mix in some genre-stylings into the project. A major recurring motif in the film involves a dance troupe doing a number after emerging from a giant statue of a trout. After telling us that the term “gangster” more or less translates into “free men” in Indonesian, it’s perhaps not surprising that they want the film to end with a triumphant musical finale, with the ghosts of dead communists giving Congo a gold medal -- for “sending them to heaven” -- while a rendition of “Born Free” plays in the background.

They show the film crew the rooftop were so many an alleged communist were brutally strangled. Periodically, Congo and Koto meet up with some of their old paramilitary buddies, and debate whether or not what they did was “sadistic.” Congo tells us he doesn’t feel “good” about killing so many people, per se, but what can he do…the past is the past, after all. At one point, one of the old paramilitary buddies tells Congo a story about how his stepfather was murdered by gangsters and he had to live on the outskirts of town out of fear of being killed himself. Then, the group stages an interrogation scene, where the “captive” starts shedding real tears of horror. He begs for his life, as snot shoots out of his nostrils. In the next scene, Koto talks about how he used to harass the Chinese for bribes. We then watch Koto entering a couple of shops, seeking tributes from his “constituents.” All of the men behind the counters tremble as they reach for their monies. The movie never tell us whether that scene was “staged” or the real thing.

While Koto remains a fairly flat character throughout the documentary (despite, at one point, embarking upon a failed political campaign, which mostly consisted of him driving up and down the slums of Jakarta in a Transformers shirt), Congo goes through a drastic metamorphosis as the film unfolds. His mannerisms begin to change after he stages a simulation of a village-side raid -- a “recreation” that leaves children sobbing and at least one woman -- who may or may not have been a child of a slain communist, or perhaps even a persecuted communist herself -- in a near-catatonic state. “I don’t remember things being this bad,” he says as straw huts burn in the background. Later, he tells a story about being haunted by a man he beheaded; both that particular slaying, and a visualization of nightmares Congo had about the executed ghost, are then “filmed” for the documentary.

Where things really take a turn is when Congo plays a communist who is interrogated, and then executed. Clearly rattled by the incident, he eventually breaks down into tears when he sees the segment played on a video recording. The film concludes with Congo revisiting the same site where he strangled a countless number of people -- which now appears to be a Laundromat -- and dry heaving.

The premise sounds pretty challenging, and in the hands of most filmmakers, it would have been a remarkable failure. However, Oppenheimer crafts an absolutely incredible character study, not only telling the best cinematic “banality of evil” story in years, but a film that fearlessly confronts the tried-and-true notions we have about what constitutes both humanity and inhumanity.

How easily it would have been for Oppenheimer to just say that all these people were sociopaths, and that their unconscionable actions were the sole root of such incalculable miseries. However, Oppenheimer seems to pursue a more daunting, complex, and frankly, unsettling answer as to why so many kill without apparent remorse. It’s easy, and reassuring in a morbid way, to think that genocides of the like are just perpetrated by evil, conscience-less people; with Congo, however, we see that such bloodshed was done in the name of temporality -- that is, the conviction that what happens in the now is destined to remain buried in the past. Alcohol, ecstasy, marijuana; Congo tells us he’s tried it all, but nothing stops the nightmares. Like so many others, he bought into a massive lie, the belief that history -- especially his own -- could ultimately be forgotten.

At one point, Congo is seen on a farm, playing with his two grandchildren. He encounters a duck, who had been hobbled by one of the kids. Congo picks it up, and asks his children to apologize to the wounded creature. Tell it you’re sorry, and the only reason you hurt it was because you were scared, he asked them. Does that same reasoning explain why the mass killings of 1966 transpired in Indonesia?

“The Act of Killing” concludes without ever really giving us a full answer, nor a sense of closure. It simply ends, with a clearly distraught Congo ambling out of the building where he killed so many people, greeted by an indifferent night and a pastel, capitalistic negative utopia that he’s partially responsible for inviting. Did he kill for money? Did he kill for the opportunity to eat at McDonalds and buy a flat screen television? Did he kill because he was fearful for himself and his family? Did he kill because the movies he watched as a young man made it look cool? Did he kill because, at the core of his very being, there rests a cruel, irredeemable heart? Or did he kill, simply because he figured that, one day, it wouldn’t bother him anymore?

Very, very rarely does one in this day and age encounter a film that asks questions so adult, so nuanced and so intimidating. “The Act of Killing,” it should go without saying, is a disturbing film, but at the same time, it’s also one of the most intellectually stimulating and enlightening I’ve watched in years.

If you care about the future of cinema -- or for that matter, the future of humanity -- this is a film I implore you to see as soon as you get the chance.

Score: 

Four Tofu Dogs out of Four. 

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The 50 Greatest Sega CD Games of All-Time! (PART FIVE -- #010 to #001)

A Five-Part Countdown of the Greatest Games the Sega CD Had to Offer!

Hey You! Looking for the Previous Installments in this Series?

PART ONE, counting down games #050 to #041, can be found right here.

PART TWO, counting down games #040 to #031, can be found right here.

PART THREE, counting down games #030 to #021, can be found right here.

PART FOUR, counting down games #020 to #011, can be found right here.
PART FIVE, counting down games #010 to #01, can be found right here. 

For what it’s worth the Sega CD (known as the Mega CD in Europe) might just be the single most underrated console in the history of video gaming. Considered a proverbial laughingstock by gamers that have hardly spent any time at all with the system, the Sega CD was actually a pretty damn good little console, stocked with plenty of killer console exclusives, graphically and musically superior special editions of 16-bit classics, and even a couple of standout genre offerings that, sadly, have become outmoded in today’s all-too-familiar virtual world. Come on, you know you miss side scrolling shoot ‘em ups and digital comic books as much as I do…

After tackling a list of the best the Sega Dreamcast had to offer, I thought long and hard about which console I wanted to focus on for my next countdown. Seeing as how the unsung, unheralded Sega CD generally gets about as much recognition and praise as gonorrhea, I figured the criminally underappreciated console was absolutely perfect the “Top 50” treatment. For those of you that had the honor of owning and playing through some of these classic games (many of which remain under-the-radar gems to this day), consider this a fond recollection and celebration of what once was, and for all of you young whippersnappers that equate the console with “pure fail?” Something tells me that’s a tune you’re going to change in a hurry after seeing everything you’ve missed out on.

As for the criteria for the list, I was pretty lax and subjective. Ever the jingoistic American that I am, I decided that only games that were given North American releases, while the Sega CD was still in production, should qualify as candidates, so no obscure-ass Japan-only SHMUPs or home-brew RPGs some dude made in his basement in 2008 are in contention here.

As always, the opinions expressed herein are solely my own, and your list would surely differ. That said, whose ready to take things to THE NEXT LEVEL?

#010 

Earthworm Jim: Special Edition

In a sea of pale Mario and Sonic imitators, “Earthworm Jim” stood out as one of the more remarkable platformers from the 16-bit era. With awesome action that rivaled the likes of “Contra III” and “Gunstar Heroes,” not to mention the title’s trademark irreverent humor, “Earthworm Jim” was easily one of the best cross-platform titles from the era, and if you’re itching to play the absolute best version of the game out there, it appears as if you’re going to need to get yourself a Sega CD ASAP. 

“Earthworm Jim” on the Sega CD truly is a “special edition,” with improved visuals and better animation than its 16-bit precursors. That, and it has an all new soundtrack, which as expected, is freaking marvelous. AND THEN there are the levels, which have been completely redesigned to be longer, more challenging and more secret-packed. Oh, and did I mention that they give you an all new weapon to toy around with, in addition to a completely new, built-from-the-ground up stage that you won’t find on any other console? Not only is the Sega CD iteration of the game the most impressive “Earthworm Jim” out there, it’s also the lengthiest and most fun to blast through.

The only downside here are the load times, which can be a bit excessive. Other than that, you really can’t complain about ANYTHING in the game, be it the terrific visuals, the fantastic music, the hilarious character exchanges, the tremendous controls or the super-memorable boss battles. And the “secret” ending where a narrator runs down a list of “facts” about actual earthworms? It’s a work of post-post-modern genius.

#009

The Amazing Spider-Man vs. The Kingpin

If you ever owned a Sega Genesis/Mega Drive, you probably played “The Amazing Spider-Man.” It was one of the absolute best Sega Genesis games, and to this day, considered one of the absolute best Spider-Man games ever (hell, in my opinion, it STILL is.) Now, how do you make that already awesome title even more awesome? Well, how about starting by completely beefing up the game with levels that are easily twice (maybe even three times) larger than the game worlds in the previous title? And on top of that, how about adding a hard rocking soundtrack by Mr. Big (yes, THAT Mr. Big!) and atop that, some all new animated cut-scenes, tons of new missions, a couple of new boss fights and redesigned stages? 

Clearly, this game truly lives up to its self-imposed moniker “Amazing,” and then some. While the Genesis version was more or less a linear side-scrolling action game, this title is actually something of a free-roaming title, with a HUGE map of New York City to explore. You traverse from mission to mission, ultimately confronting an all-time classic list of Spidey rogues, including Doctor Octopus, Venom, The Lizard and of course, The Kingpin. Hell, you even get to throw down with some foes that weren’t in the Genesis game, including Bullseye and Typhoid Mary!

Pretty much everything in the game is spectacular. The controls are tremendous, the visuals are outstanding, the animation is top-notch, the music is great, and the gameplay, while challenging as all hell, is still quite accessible. That, and it even throws in a few neat addendums, including a super-addictive pinball mini-game that will suck more hours out of your Sega CD than most full-fledged games. If you ask me, not only is this one of the best Sega CD games ever, it’s far and away the greatest Spider-Man game ever created; if you’re a fan of either Ol’ Webhead or awesome action games in general, this is a game you simply MUST experience.  

#008 

Popful Mail: Magical Fantasy Adventure

“Popful Mail” is a truly wonderful game, a delightful action RPG/platformer hybrid with some of the best cut scenes on the Sega CD, an absolute ton of voice acting, incredible music and of course, utterly fantastic gameplay. Produced by Working Designs -- perhaps the most important developer on the console --“Popful” is, at once, instantly accessible and something completely different from the norm. It truly is one of the best games on the system, and really, one of the most underrated platformer games of the early 1990s. 

The presentation in the game is really well done. At the time, how the game fused dialogue into the actual gameplay was pretty uncommon, and the incorporated role playing game elements -- like selling items for weapon upgrades -- was actually an aberration for contemporary platformers. The title is also one of the lengthier games to be found on the console, and additionally one of the most challenging. Take heed, novice gamers; despite the game’s cutesy animation and character design, this thing is “Ninja Gaiden” levels of difficult. 

There’s a ton of stuff to explore in the game, and as stated earlier, it will probably take you a pretty long time before your skills are advanced enough to fully conquer it. The graphics and music may not be revolutionary, but the solid-as-a-rock gameplay (not to mention the dynamite presentation) is enough to keep you glued to your console for as long as this majestic journey will take you. Copies of the game today are pretty rare (and are likely to cost you more than an arm and a leg online), but if you luck up and find a used copy at a yard sale or a local thrift shop? If you DON’T pick this one up, you’ll be kicking yourself for the rest of your life.

#007 

Silpheed

Forget “Star Fox,” THIS was the best polygonal space-shooter of the 16-bit-era. Game Arts’ “Silpheed” is an absolutely phenomenal pseudo-3D vertically scrolling SHMUP, with tremendous visuals, amazing music, excellent voiceover and controls that are smoother than a well polished ice cube. 

In some ways, I’d be secure in calling “Silpheed” something of a update to “Zaxxon,” aka, the arcade game that put Sega on the map way back when. The effects in this game were completely mind-blowing at the time, with HUGE polygonal spaceships floating by your teeny little fighter while literally hundreds of neon colored bullets swirled around you. The game is just so pretty to look at; odds are, the first couple of times you play it, you’ll end up getting whacked because you can’t keep your eyes off the game’s beautiful backdrops. The vacancy of space isn’t that vacant in “Silpheed” -- even today, some of the levels, including a fantastic, “2001”-esque warp speed level and a concluding dogfight through a Death Star facsimile, are just breathtaking to experience.

There may not be that much variety in the core gameplay mechanics of the title, but trust me, you won’t be complaining about the lack of upgradable weapons by the time you are weaving your spaceship in and out of floating space islands and blasting through a polygonal jungle. All in all, this is just a fantastic, cutting-edge arcade experience  -- a simple, albeit wildly innovative and, most importantly of all, extremely enjoyable space shooting sim that all self-respecting Sega CD owners ought to have in their collections. 

 #006 

Shining Force CD 

What’s better than a hyper-addictive, content-loaded tactical RPG developed by Camelot? How about FOUR hyper-addictive, content-loaded tactical RPGs developed by Camelot! 

“Shining Force CD” has a fairly strange pedigree. The first two game included on the set are actually high-gloss “ports” of two really awesome Game Gear titles, (“Shining Force Gaiden”,which never got a release in the U.S., and “Shining Force: The Sword of Hayja” if you really need the specifics.) The inclusion of those two games -- given the obvious graphical and audio upgrades -- would probably be enough to earn this game a spot in the top ten, but it’s the inclusion of two additional games -- a full fledged, feature-length sequel to “The Sword of Hayja" and an entertaining bookend that allows you to re-fight some of the series’ most memorable foes -- that really makes this game worth going out of one’s way to experience. 

This is just a remarkable title, all around. The graphics are terrific (although the limited animation may turn off some) and the music is positively stellar. Of course, the meat and potatoes here is the solid turn-based strategy combat and involving storyline -- and I assure you, what “Shining Force CD” gives you in both categories is MORE than enough to satisfy any hardcore RPG fan. To conclude? On a console loaded with some stellar RPG experiences  (a fact that is strangely overlooked in the gaming media), this is perhaps the absolute best of the best of what the Sega CD had to offer. 

#005

Robo Aleste

If you ever owned a Sega Genesis or Nintendo Entertainment System, at some point, you probably played a game developed by Compile. That’s the company responsible for some of the absolute best SHMUPS and SHMUP hybrids on the NES (games like “Gun-Nac,” “Zanac” and “The Guardian Legend,” among them) and what is routinely considered the absolute best SHMUP on the Genesis, “M.U.S.H.A.”  Calling “Robo Aleste” a special edition version of “M.U.S.H.A.” is both appropriate and a little misleading, but if that notion doesn’t get your trigger fingers itching a bit, you my friend, are probably lacking a pulse (or else, you don’t know shit about shoot ‘em ups. One or the other, I suppose.)

Simply put, “Robo Aleste” is 2D, 16-bit, horizontal-scrolling action at its finest. Personally, I still tend to view “M.U.S.H.A.” as a better overall experience, but as a stand alone offering? There’s no denying that “Robo Aleste” is the best of the best when it comes to Sega CD genre offerings, and next to “M.U.S.H.A.,” it probably is the best overall SHMUP from the timeframe. 

The visuals are crisp and clear while the sprites are detailed and well-animated. The soundtrack, this weird-ass techno-grocery-store-stock-audio-sounding stuff, if a little unorthodox, but it actually gels quite well with the gameplay. The gameplay is more or less identical to “M.U.S.H.A.,” with a few tweaks here and there; clearly, Compile didn’t really have to reinvent the wheel when it came to gameplay, and they wisely stuck with what works here. Unlike “M.U.S.H.A.,” however, the game actually has a bona-fide story, and I believe the “cruel” difficulty setting is much, much more challenging than the highest difficulty setting on the Genesis forerunner. Without question, this is one of the best titles to be found on the Sega CD, and for SHMUP fans? It’s probably reason enough to own the console. 

#004 

Snatcher

Even gamers that have never laid eyes on a Sega CD console are quite fond of “Snatcher,” if just for the fact that it was Hideo Kojima’s first opportunity to bring his wild-ass, semi-cinematic story-telling ideas to a home console. While clearly laying the groundwork for more narrative-heavy games like “Metal Gear Solid,” “Snatcher” is really an entirely different beast in terms of gameplay, more or less serving as  a “digital comic” ala “Rise of the Dragon.” And alike “Rise of the Dragon,” this game, ahem, borrows quite a bit from “Blade Runner,” albeit with that unique, Kojima-style kookiness turning the title into a one-of-a-kind experience. It’s pretty much incontestable; there isn’t a better narrative to be found on the Sega CD, and really, early '90s gaming, than this game right here. 

“Snatcher” is something of an adventure title, with your character (the semi-iconic Gillian Seed) roaming around a futuristic metropolis, alongside his trusty robotic companion, “Metal Gear.” Yeah, I have no idea where that namesake came from, either. As far as basic gameplay goes, it’s quite familiar material; option boxes pop up on screen that allot certain actions (look, drive, open, etc.), and triggering the right “clues” allows you to advance the storyline. And for those of you looking for a meaty experience, there is A LOT of story in “Snatcher,” making this one of the longest experiences to be found on the Sega CD. If you’re looking for the anathema of the 40 minute long FMV game, “Snatcher” is probably about as diametrically polar as you can get. 

The presentation in the game is simply fantastic. The cutscene animation is outstanding, and the voice acting is perhaps the absolute finest to be found on the console. The controls are quite fluid (although the sometimes static gameplay may put off some of the ADD gamers out there), and once again, you really can’t argue about the inherent greatness of the game’s plotline. Simply put, “Snatcher” was a game that was at least one console generation ahead of its time, and a comprehensively awesome experience that all serious Sega aficionados would be wise to explore. Trust me; there’s a reason why 20 years later, hardcore fans are STILL clamoring for a “Snatcher” sequel…

#003 

Sonic the Hedgehog CD

A lot of people consider Sonic’s only foray on the Sega CD to be the absolute best “Sonic the Hedgehog” game ever. While I tend to disagree (“Sonic 3” FOREVER rules this world), there’s no denying that it’s one of the best Sonic games ever, and easily the best platform game to be released on the criminally neglected console.

If you don’t know how “Sonic” games wok by now, you’ve probably been a prisoner of war since Grenada. The gameplay here is about as simplistic as it gets -- you hop, bop, run and occasionally tear through enemies like a power saw -- on a quest to save your girlfriend, who, in this scenario, is a bright pink rodent. Yeah, the game probably won’t win any points for an original premise, but the execution is so goddamn incredible that you really can’t criticize any aspect of the game. It’s just a straight-up, through-and-through excellent platformer, with terrific music (even if most fan boys agree that the Japanese/European version had the superior soundtrack) and terrific visuals, especially when you hop into the pseudo 3D bonus road race stages.

The stages are very well designed and the game incorporates a lot of neat effects -- for example, when you run through a loop-de-loop, the camera shifts to a second person, Sonic’s-Eye-View and towards the final stage, your character can actually be shrunken down to near microscopic levels (thus, making the platforming terrain appear downright ginormous.) While most of the stages are more or less rehashes of previous Sonic locales, there are so many cool addendums to the level layout that just walking around in the game is a sheer delight. All in all, this is a downright beautiful game, with virtually pitch-perfect gameplay and visuals that, to this day, are absolutely breathtaking. Not only is this a highwater mark for the Sega CD, it truly is one of the absolute best platforming experiences in the annals of video gaming. 

#002  

Championship Soccer ‘94

I was real late to the party on this one, and trust me: if you’re a hardcore gamer, especially a footy fanatic, this is one hidden gem you absolutely NEED to experience.

While this game is virtually unheard of in America, if you’re a European reader, you no doubt know all there is to know about this game, which was called “Sensible Soccer” over in the PAL region. A universally beloved offering in the Common Market nations, most U.S. gamers have never heard of “Championship Soccer ‘94,” which is a downright shame: not only is this a solid candidate for absolute best soccer game ever, it might just be one of the top ten video games to be released throughout the 1990s altogether. 

“Championship Soccer ‘94,” on the surface, looks pretty minimalist. The sprites are nowhere near as detailed as they are in some of the 16-bit FIFA games, but what the game lacks in aesthetics it MORE than makes up for in solid gameplay. Contemporary gamers will likely be astounded by just how much the game offers you, from the staggering number of teams, coaching options and game modes. What “Tecmo Super Bowl” is to American football, this game is to, uh, non-American football, I suppose -- an infinitely enjoyable, simplistic-yet-irresistibly addictive sports sim that’s nigh impossible to put down. For North American gamers, this is definitely the best iteration of the title out there…a pretty penny, it may cost you, but I assure you, this is a game you will be playing A LOT as the years chug along. 

And the moment of truth arrives! Of the 200 or so games that were released on the Sega CD in the U.S. region, if you’re looking for the absolute BEST the console had to offer, there is absolutely NO denying which piece of software you should have permanently wedged into your disc drive. Ladies and gents, I present to you the GREATEST SEGA CD GAME OF ALL-TIME…

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#001 

NHL ‘94

For my money, "NHL '94" on the Sega CD is the single greatest video game ever made, on any platform. If I was exiled to a desert island -- which, for reasons we don't really need to get into, has electricity -- with just a CRT-TV, a home console of my choosing, and one video game to play for all eternity, THIS is the game I'd take with me. It's not just 16-bit, old-school sim-hockey greatness, its interactive entertainment at its absolute zenith. Yeah, that seems mildly hyperbolic, but if you've ever played the game -- and you love yourself some early '90s hockey -- than you'll know its an utterance made in anything but jest. 

When you look at a list of games commonly cited as the "best ever," you'll usually note a recurring pattern; that those games, as great as they are, are the same experience every time you play them. As good as "Ocarina of Time" and "Super Mario Bros. 3" and "Super Metroid" may be, the games are virtually identical every time you play them. The sprites will always be in the same places, and the bosses will always follow the same attack patterns, and the special items will always be hidden in the exact same place. What makes games like "Tecmo Super Bowl," "Sensible Soccer" and, most certainly, "NHL '94" so fantastic is that they are entirely different experiences every time you play them. Thanks to snappy AI -- not to mention the factor of human err -- no two games of "NHL '94" ever play out identically.

If you never played "NHL '94" on the Genesis -- a game already considered godlike by most 16-bit gaming aficionado -- the Sega CD iteration is more or less the same game in terms of visuals and gameplay. Trust me, that is a HUGE positive, seeing as how the graphics were already quite crisp and the game mechanics nigh perfect in cartridge form. What makes "NHL '94" on the Sega CD the superior version, and again, the greatest game of all-time IMO, is the beefed up audio, complete with an all new theme song and full on voice acting from Ron Barr (who spends literally six minutes doing pre-game comparisons before every match-up). The goal sounds, the roar of the crowd, the on-ice grunts; the improved sound design makes the game that much more enjoyable and intense, turning what is already an all-time masterpiece into a game that can easily be considered THE all-time masterpiece in terms of virtual ice hockey. Granted, the loading times can be a bit pesky, but trust me; considering the high production values and presentation in this game, it's well worth the minuscule waiting periods.

In many ways, "NHL '94" embodies everything that was great about the Sega CD. While neither really did anything that new -- and there are much more similarities with each's 16-bit forerunner than there are differences -- there's no denying that the hardware and software in question took full advantage of the miniature upgrade in terms of audio and graphical horsepower, turning what were already legendary 16-bit experiences into awesome, special-featured-loaded collector's editions of some of the best games ever produced. All in all, the wheel may have not been re-invented with either the hardware or the software, but at the same time? You can say that this version of"NHL 94", and the Sega CD itself to some extent, no doubt perfected an already exquisite 16-bit experience.

And what a pity it was that so few people ever got to experience that perfection, either...

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