Monday, June 20, 2016

Why Video Games Today Suck

Ten years ago, I was a hardcore, GameStop-prowling video game junkie. Today, I don't even bother with the PS4 and Wii U kiosks at Target. So what turned me from an IGN-scouring, EGM-reading neckbeard into someone who doesn't give half a shit about any kind of contemporary gaming? 


By: Jimbo X
@Jimbo__X

Years and years ago, E3 – the year’s biggest video game expo – was a huge deal to me. For an entire week, I found myself glued to IGN and Gamespot, waiting anxiously for my dial-up internet connection to reload the latest news and notes on all of the hot, upcoming Xbox and PS2 games. I pretty much had the TV locked on G4, as the former Tech TV (and before that, ZDTV) displayed all of the glorious video previews my laggy-ass computer was to slow too load.

How could I forget the whimsy and wonder of the 2003 show, where we got our first substantive looks at Halo 2, Half-Life 2 and Doom 3? Or what about the big reveal of the DS and PSP in 2004, or the tripartite next-next-gen console revelation free-for-all in 2005? Indeed, such were the most magical times of all for George W.-era, pre-social-media-takeover teenage slobs the world over.

Alas, something happened to damper my interest in E3, and really, contemporary gaming altogether: I grew up. By the time I was in college, my free time had been all but gobbled up by studying, dating and working my tailbone off to afford rent and food. An avid video game junkie easily spending $200 a month on games just a few years earlier, I had become a non-console owner out of economic necessity.

Still, E3 remained that one time of the year I would emerge from the shadows of adult responsibilities to revel in the hyped-up, mega-consumerist nerdiness of modern day gaming. I remember watching in awe at how incredibly awful Nintendo's 2008 conference was, and fantasizing about getting my hands on the ultimately ultra-disappointing Resident Evil 5, Spore and Mirror's Edge. I recall the big 2009 reveal of Kinect and thinking – in hindsight, both humorously and hopelessly – that it really was going to revolutionize interactive media. And, of course, there was the one-two combo of the XboxOne and PS4 debuting side-by-side at the 2013 show - where the biggest “killer app” of the event was the exclusion of DRM software.

While the show still has its fair share of legitimate mark out moments – I vividly recall almost having a coronary when Shenmue III was announced last year – the general ennui of the conference more or less reflects my holistic disinterest in the medium these days. While there was some cool stuff announced at the 2016 show last week – that new Spider-Man game looks awesome, and dude, a new River City Ransom! – by and large, I was completely apathetic about the bulk of the “big name” titles. Another by-the-numbers Zelda, touting itself as revolutionary for including game mechanics that are a holdover from The Elder Scrolls: Oblivion 10 years ago? Rehashes of rehashes of rehashes of God of War, Gears of War and Call of Duty? A whole bunch of virtual reality claptrap from Sony, and “new” I.P.s. with such ridiculous monikers as Death Stranding and Detroit: Become Human? No, folks, I reckon I will be passing on all of these. I very much reckon I will.

Of course, there are going to be a lot of great games coming out this year. All of the tried-and-true EA sports games, the new Forza, Dead Rising 4, that fucking amazing Friday the 13th murder simulator – all of that stuff looks awesome and is practically guaranteed to be awesome. But just looking at big-rig PC, home console and dedicated handheld gaming arenas as a whole, I can’t help but feel woefully underwhelmed. Even if I did have the free time to enmesh myself in modern gaming, looking at the landscape that’s out there now, I don’t really feel as if there is anything on the market worthy of my financial investments.

For me, it’s not just that the industry of gaming has changed, it’s that its intent has changed, too. From the heyday of the Atari 2600 all the way up to the dying days of the Dreamcast, gaming had been a largely solitary hobby. Sure, the multiplayer dynamic had always been there, but it was relegated to local area play – as in, if you wanted to compete or co-op with somebody, they had to be right there pumping quarters in the coin slot or nuzzled up next to the console box beside you. Thanks to the proliferation of both online gaming and I.P.-centric gaming subcultures, however, even one-player games today maintain an inescapable “collective” element. It’s no longer the old-school, man against machine, eye-hand-coordination challenge that fuels gaming as a pastime. Instead, it’s all about celebrating this cultural in-group, of finding one’s particular rank-and-file status in an artificially created cyber-system. Whereas in the past we enjoyed games like Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Super Street Fighter II and Ghosts 'N Goblins because they provided a gripping, skills-based challenge – with the “reward” being the empirical improvement of our individual skills – modern games like Smite, League of Legends and DOTA 2 force you to sink an absurd amount time into them for “skills” that aren’t earned through practice and experience, but through synthetic, programmer-enforced-checkpoints. You don’t get “good” at these kind of games by playing them and honing your reflexes, you get “good” at them by doing the same repetitive tasks over and over again until the server “rewards” you with a meager upgrade, or better yet, you break out a credit card and spend real money to enhance your avatar. Such a concept isn’t just unthinkable when mulling the classics of yore, it’s downright counterproductive: not only would hardcore Mega Man 3 fans and Tecmo Super Bowlers scoff at the idea of purchasing power-ups to make the games easier, they probably would have told you to go fuck yourself for even asking them if they wanted to. 

The simple challenge of old-school gaming is a thing of the past. Whereas titles like Arch Rivals and Mad Planets gave you a fairly straightforward gameplay system with which to acquaint yourself, today’s offerings are glutted with pointless “leveling-up” systems and fetch-quests out the yin-yang. While this has been a hallmark of gaming for decades – indeed, the most beloved titles of all time, your Zeldas, your Final Fantasies and your Metroids have long incorporated such as key gameplay component – today’s games (with the aberrant exception of series like Dark Souls and Lost Planet) offer only the slightest mechanical difficulty. Instead of giving us a single-minded goal, we’re given ample opportunities to do practically nothing in expansive game spaces and grind, grind and grind some more. In the old days, mastering a game was like learning how to play a song; today, it’s more like checking things off on a grocery list.

And where’s the creativity and the will to experiment? Sega went down swinging with new I.P.s about simulating the life of a karate-fighting high school student in 1986, an Orwellian cartoon about freedom fighting, J-pop loving vandals and a role-playing opus where the point was to raise a human-fish chimera by way of existential chats. No big-money developer or publisher is going anywhere near stuff that adventurous or outside-the-(X)box anymore; as a result, modern gamers are left with a deluge of hyper-predictable sequels and interchangeable genre-offerings sans any real identity of their own. Oh look, another GWOT-inspired FPS with lots of brown and grey and another manga-styled JRPG with huge-eyed, depressed kids trying to save the universe from some demonic menace – how riveting.

Then, there are the unbearable “politics” of contemporary gaming, which have managed to successfully squeeze out whatever fun remained in the industry like a boa constrictor determined to wrench that last gasp of carbon dioxide from a long dead corpse.

While the “indie revolution” seems like it would have liberated gaming from its monolithic, mega-corporate stranglehold, all it has done has made the industry – formerly, a no-frills celebration of instant-gratification, low-culture fun – a pretentious, needlessly contentious hell-scape of grating identity politics. Unthinking, reflex-essential masterpieces of yesteryear like Soldier Blade and Super C have been replaced by a new wave of more socially cognizant interactive media, which, by and large, are little more than extended PowerPoint presentations with some controllable elements. I’m all for games like Spec Ops: The Line and the criminally underappreciated Xbox masterpiece Men of Valor, which tie serious sociocultural commentary around well-built game engines, but barely interactive opuses about raising a terminally ill child, doing refugee paperwork and choose your own adventure-paeans to first-world depression? To quote arguably the most important person of the 1990s to wear flannel, “I don’t think so, Tim.”

There is some good stuff out there from small-labels – Hotline Miami and Shovel Knight immediately spring to mind - but what do you know, both of those games are nostalgic throwbacks to the more simplistic games of yore that don’t require huge honking hardware to enjoy. With so many instantly playable apps available – many of which are 100 percent free – and in-browser emulation allowing players the world over to try their hands at thousands upon thousands of antiquated titles, I really don’t see any logical reason why I would need to spend any amount of money on contemporary gaming hardware or software. With a virtually infinite amount of games already out there anybody anywhere can play for zero dollars, what’s the point in paying anything at all for less challenging, and considerably less fun “modern” games?

Simply put? There isn’t, and yet another lackluster E3 further illustrates the point. 


Thursday, June 16, 2016

The Ten Greatest Marvel Super-Villains EVER

Counting down the absolute BADDEST bad guys to ever grace the pages of the Stan Lee-verse...


By: Jimbo X
@Jimbo__X

Like many youths who grew up in that oh-so-wonderful time to be alive called the 1990s, I was an avid comic book collector. Keep in mind, this was at the zenith of the medium's grim and gritty era, so for every decent series like Untold Tales of Spider-Man and Major Bummer, you had about 50 Priests, Fighting Americans and Trenchers ... and hoo boy, let's don't even get into the period's deluge of "bad girl" offerings, where it seemed like every indie publisher out there had at least two or thee concurrent titles that consisted exclusively of huge-haired bimbo-assassins and demonesses finding different ways to showcase their tits over the course of 24 pages. 

Even though I went out and snatched up as many first edition copies of Young Heroes in Love and Madman that I could, for the most part, I never actually read any of the comics I hoarded. With the exception of some of the old school Spidey titles and a few weirdbeard independent offerings (Milk & Cheese FTW) I found myself bored and unimpressed with the one-dimensional writing contained in just about every pseudo-edgy Dark Horse, Valiant and Image title, and holy shit, the Marvel and D.C. comics from the era - with a few notable exceptions - where just utter and complete shit. I mean ... the fucking Spider Clone saga, people. The motherfucking Spider Clone saga

Fortunately, it was also a good time to snatch up a lot of golden and silver age reprints, and a lot of still-pretty-decent stuff from the late 1970s and early 1980s could be picked up for dirt cheap (and if the stories themselves weren't any good, the cheesy, ephemeral advertisements more than made up for it.) 

Through the multimedia barrage of the printed page, old-school and contemporary cartoons, cross-platform video games - and of course, that temple of fledgling consumer folklore, the toy store aisle - the miscellaneous heroes and villains of the Marvel-verse became our mythological figures, the demigods of our materialistic youth culture. Up until junior high age, me and my pals used to bicker back and forth about which obscure comic leviathan we just found out about could kick who's ass in a one-on-one battle. I vividly recall almost coming to blows with another student, who dared suggest that M.O.D.O.K. could beat up Fin Fang Foom, and hoo boy, God help your ignorant ass if you DARED bring up a D.C. villain in any of our philosophical discussions. Even eight-year-olds know Solomon Grundy and Gorilla Grod are stupid as shit, and no amount of corporate drivel could've convinced us otherwise

Naturally, such juvenile banter would lead to theories a plenty about who the absolute baddest of the baddest in the Marvel pantheon was. Of course, the field of comic books have changed considerably since 1997, and there are a ton of newer characters introduced since who - canonically, anyway - are probably more powerful and tougher than any of the characters on my list. Frankly, I don't give a fuck about any super-being that emerged after George W. became president - these are the Marvel heavies as a I remember 'em, and by golly, as far as I'm concerned, they represent the alpha and the omega and a whole bunch of squiggly Greek things in between. If you disagree with my methodology, you and your opinion can kindly go jack off to the latest edition of Archie (maybe the one where he gets shot by a racist saving the life of an interracial gay politician) or one of those new Batman comics where all the cops in Gotham City are evil black-kid killers. These were my comics and my characters as I recall them, and that's all that matters, Jose or Josina - and if you disagree with my picks for the greatest Marvel super-villains ever, you are undoubtedly a goddamn communist. 

And now, without further adieu, let's hop into the countdown, why don't we?


10. The Blob


When you look at the pantheon of Marvel villains, you can’t help but feel sorry for The Blob. In a universe where people have been given the ability to control gravity, electricity, time and the atom itself, what “superpower” does he get stuck with? The ability to be really, really fat. For that reason alone, he’s one of the more sympathetic bad guys in the canonical universe, and when you really get down to the meat and potatoes (and macaroni and cheese and Hot Pockets and deep fried Oreos) of it, he’s actually one of the more ingenious characters in the Marvel library. He’s literally so fat that nothing can hurt him – shoot him, stab him, punch him, try to run him over with a tank, it’s all fruitless. Plus, he can actually use his magical adipose tissue as an offensive weapon, too – lest we forget that one time  in the '90s Fox toon when he tried to suffocate Rogue in his flab. Add in the fact that he appears to wear a 1980s pro wrestling unitard everywhere he goes, and you’ve got yourself the makings of one of the most underrated antagonists in any fandom.

09. Bullseye


After a while, it gets kinda’ hard coming up with new gimmicks. There’s really only so many viable super powers out there before you start getting into stuff that’s just too obscure (hence, the existence of such ennui-inducing C-baddies as Lightmaster, The Tinkerer, and The Living Tribunal help us, even Mercurio the 4-D Man). That’s what makes Bullseye such a refreshing change of pace – instead of being some bio-engineered or supernatural freak with the ability to control LCD screens on Tuesdays, he’s just a normal – albeit extremely skilled – dude who excels at killing people using just about anything. If he's stuck in a room with one hand tied behind his back and there's half a paper clip laying on the floor, welp, that's all he needs to kill your ass dead five times over. He's standing on top of a rooftop and he has an apple core in his hand? Watch out, buddy, because his marksmanship is so excellent he can check your windpipe from 500 feet away. In addition to having one of the coolest, least absurd super villain costumes in the Marvel cosmos, he also is one of the better written characters in the Stan Lee-verse. He doesn't have some long, convoluted backstory, nor has any writer ever truly attempted to give his character some sort of rationale for being a sociopathic mercenary (uh, just forget all that stuff about him being a minor league baseball player, though.) He's just a dude with super-accurate hand-eye coordination and no qualms whatsoever about murdering anyone who gets in his way - and that sinister simplicity unquestionably makes him one of the most interesting baddies in the Marvel canon.

08. Juggernaut


Great aesthetics does not always a great villain make (see pretty much every Superman villain not named Lex Luthor for validation of such a claim), but in the case of old Juggy, it’s hard to separate the awesomeness of the character concept from the character’s conceptual design: it’s an eight to 10 foot tall dude who weighs somewhere between 800 pounds and two tons wearing tank armor with a giant metal dome on his noggin. But you see, the real beauty of the character is that his overall power is a vector quality instead of a scalar one. It’s not just the fact that he’s big and strong, it’s the fact that’s big, strong and super-fast, too. The character is basically a cognizant freight train, proudly eschewing the melodramatic symbolism for good old fashioned blunt force. Yeah, the whole magical ruby and getting the shit beat out of him by his daddy origin is pretty lackluster, but who cares? The dude is a ketchup-colored tank that can just run through anything he wants to, making him the perfect foil for the multitudes of smaller and more agile characters in the Marvel mythos - especially a certain wall-crawler from Queens

07. Apocalypse


Yeah, I know the official backstory is that he’s some sort of super-powered Egyptian half-deity or something like that, but let’s call it like it is: the same way Mephisto is Marvel’s way of shoehorning the devil into its mythology, Apocalypse is basically a canon stand-in for the Anti-Christ - the reverse-Jesus of the Book of Revelation who is responsible for ushering in the mass extinction of humanity. Even now, I'm not really sure what the canonical scope of his powers are - I'm pretty sure he can do everything but fart lightning, though - but really, the simple fact that the character looks the way he does tells you everything you need to know. A bona-fide giant demi-god that's at least semi-immortal, he stands out as both a daunting physical and cerebral menace, who promises - not threatens - to usher in a nuclear holocaust that will kill each and every one of us. And if that hasn't sold you by now, remember: old blue-boy here is cited as a major philosophical influence on Mike Tyson himself!

06. The Sentinels


The old ‘90s Saban cartoon (or maybe it was the original "Days of Future Past" story arc - my memory ain't as sharp as it used to be) had a great line about the Sentinels being “walking monuments of hate” (or something along those lines) and that’s ultimately the thing that makes the characters so captivating. Granted, they aren’t characters in the traditional sense – basically, they are all a bunch of mass-manufactured robots that are programmed to seek out and enslave super-humans – but that cold, unthinking inhumanity also makes them so much more interesting than your average mutant megalomaniac or metahuman super-criminal. They can’t be reasoned with, they can’t be bribed and they will never cave into pity – they just do what their genocidal programmers told them to (uh, that might be a metaphor for something, I think.) While there have been attempts to give the Sentinels more personality over the years (the original Master Mold and the oh-so funky Nimrod being perhaps the most noteworthy), I've always thought the villains have worked best as nameless, faceless, virtually reason-less killing machines who deep fry mutants and shoot harpoons through their intestines with frigid, unemotional efficiency. And speaking of allusions to Hitler's Willing Executioners... 

05. Magneto


By now, we are all keenly aware that the original X-Men run was an allegory for the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s. And if the peaceful co-existence espousing Professor X was meant to personify the philosophy of Martin Luther King, Jr., than the more militant, pro-segregationist ideology of Magneto was probably meant to mimic that of Malcolm X. The unfortunate implications of naming the Nation of Islam stand-in "The Brotherhood of Evil Mutants" aside, Magneto has remained one of the more interesting, sympathetic rogues in the Marvel universe. You really can't say he's straight up evil, just a dude with insane power that's out to avenge historical wrongdoings and prevent further atrocities from occurring ... even if it means he's got to levitate a steal beam through someone's skull or blow up a nuclear power plant every now and then. Over the years, Magneto has been retconned into a Holocaust survivor, which by default, gives him a more than reasonable excuse to take the actions that he takes (although I'm still not entirely sure how the dude was able to construct, let alone finance, a home base on a fucking asteroid.) Magneto, ultimately, hits just about every qualifier necessary for a great villain: cool aesthetics, a unique and imposing super power, and most interestingly, a rock-solid philosophy behind his doings that is not only comprehensible, but for the most part, entirely justified. 

04. The Kingpin


The Kingpin really shouldn’t be that intriguing of a character. I mean, all things taken into consideration, he’s just a really fat dude who runs a criminal empire. We have those in real life, so what sort of appeal is he supposed to have in a cosmos littered with God-like super-beings? Carlton Fisk - depending on who writes him, either a Rupert Murdoch-type media baron or a Tony Montana-ish organized crime mastermind - works as a super villain because he possesses the greatest superpower of all ... he has money, and lots of it. In a way, The Kingpin is sort of like an inverse Batman, a really rich dude who decides to use his wealth and power to royally fuck shit up and support his own interests instead of serving vigilante justice. It's kind of been asserted that The Kingpin is the big power player behind the scenes of all the non-cosmic-or-demigod-being super-villain crime in the Marvel universe, essentially making him the one man criminal empire that makes super-villainy sustainable as a career path. He's already an interesting character, but when you begin to think of him as the Sam Walton of super-being crime - which I suppose would make heavies like the Sinister Six the comic book equivalent of part-time Wal-Mart employees - he suddenly becomes one of the most fascinating characters in the entire Marvel universe. 

03. Venom


One of the laziest comic tricks is to simply drum up a mirrored version of a superhero as his or her primary foe. Reverse Flash, Sinistro, Black Adam – all ho-hum, incredibly lazy archenemies, without question. Venom, however, stands out as perhaps the only mirror villain to actually be worth a hoot, providing a nearly perfect conceptual, thematic and aesthetic foil to the Web Slinger. A pissed off journalist, dying from cancer and doing a shit load of steroids, ends up having an intergalactic monster that literally feeds off rage bond to his body, in the process, giving him superhuman abilities ... coupled with a compelling desire to chew on human brains, or if in a pinch, large quantities of chocolate. There are scores of lumbering, muscle bound villains out there, but Venom breaks the mold by being a towering yet incredibly nimble adversary. He can shoot webs and lift insanely heavy objects over his head like Spider-Man, but he can also use his living costume in all sorts of inventive and nefarious ways ... like literally sending himself over the Internet through broadband cables. While Marvel pretty much ruined the character with the Maximum Carnage arc (in which he more or less turned face, passing the super villain mantle on to a far-less interesting foe in the process), the old school, Todd McFarland-drawn Eddie Brock remains one of the coolest - and most intriguing - super villains to ever grace the Marvel Comics library. Well, just as long as he isn't being played by that little shit from That 70s Show, naturally...

02. Dr. Doom


Adolf Hitler with super-powers - that's pretty much always been who and what Dr. Doom represents as a character. Although bogged down by a needlessly bizarre supernatural backstory involving his mother's soul and an abstruse Faustian bargain, Dr. Doom at his best has always been a relatively straightforward, stylized take on the despotic, autocrat archetype. Yeah, I know that technically, The Red Skull is probably thematically more like Der Fuhrer, but as far as I am concerned, the tyrannical leader of Latveria is a much better representation of the hyper-powered Nazi ubermensch. At heart, Dr. Doom is your classical aggrieved, beaten dog gets revenge story; a poor, of the soil youth, Victor Von Doom - a genius polymath ironically doomed by his own egotism and victim complex - slowly rose to power, following an absurd, semi-mystical path that almost eerily (and almost certainly intentionally) parallels that of a certain mustachioed Austrian who wound up killing a whole bunch of Slavs in the 1940s. As leader of Latveria, he is a politically untouchable character (a brilliant plot device, no doubt) who manages to do most of his nefarious work in the shadows, as if running a Bavarian utopia nation-state was just a super-elaborate front for his schemes to take over the world (in a way, one can almost view the quasi-Medieval country as a representation of what Hitler's ideal Germanic kingdom would resemble.) More so than just about any villain in the Marvel Universe, what makes Dr. Doom such an incredible threat isn't sheer power - rather, it is his cunning intellect. The Doombots and the laser cannons in his palms are snazzy and all, but that's not why Dr. Doom is considered by many to be the villain in the Marvel cosmos. In a universe filed with atomic beasts that can uproot 50-foot-tall buildings and swing them like baseball bats and beings with virtually godlike abilities to control people's minds and manipulate  elements on the periodic table like kids messing around with an ant farm, Doom is a character who is feared - if not outright worshiped - because of his intelligence. Whether he is in Castle Doom, the Baxter Building or Stark Industries, everybody knows he is the smartest man in the room - and when a brain that magnificent belongs to a despotic, vengeance-obsessed narcissist with armaments so technologically advanced they border on being magical, how can you need be scared shitless

01. Galactus


With apologies to Thanos and The Beyonder, the biggest, baddest character in the entire Marvel mythos has always been – and always will be – Galactus. He’s the ultimate awe-inspiring villain, a character so absurdly powerful that he is seen as less of a character than he is an unstoppable cosmological force. At his core, the characters is basically the in-universe version of the God of Abraham – a virtually omnipotent figure who can do whatever he wants, anytime he wants to do it, and none of our puny technologies (save for that deus ex machina exemplar Ultimate Nullifier) can do anything to stop him from literally killing every living thing on the planet. The best part? It’s not even something he does out of spite or ire – he’s just a far greater universal being that sees our entire reality as nothing more than a food source. While Galactus has been defeated by several hyper-obscure, super-duper-natural beings that only hardcore, never-touched-a-breast comic book nerds have ever heard of, by and large, Marvel writers have maintained the character's air of classical awesomeness, positing him as a being so powerful, so destructive and so unstoppable that boring old moral qualifiers like "good" and "evil" no longer apply. Whereas every other villain on this list is just another character, Galactus - complete with his ragtag assortment of outlandish "heralds" who could kick the shit out of at least 95 percent of the Earth-based Marvel heroes - represents a virtually unconquerable aspect of the universe itself, a force of nature on par with death and time itself. Simply put, no villain in the pantheon of Marvel creations does such a masterful job of inspiring wonder, dread and existential terror than this 29 foot tall, 18 ton, purple-bedecked devourer of worlds. And to quote a good chum who visited Mike Tyson while he was in prison and debated him on which comic character was the baddest? "Mike, Galactus eats planets. How can you beat that?"

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Five Reasons Why 'The Running Man' is Awesome

We revisit one of the most underrated cinematic violence-fests of the Reagan Years. Anti-consumerist satire, deliciously corny one-liners, exploding heads, Jesse Ventura walking around wearing a suit made out of refrigerator parts … this baby has it all!



By: Jimbo X
@Jimbo__X

When it comes to specific timeframes in cinema, I feel that the 1980s are – by and large – an incredibly overrated era. Yes, there were a lot of great genre pictures – your Evil Deads, your Revenge of the Nerdes, your Robocops, etc. – and truly magnificent world cinema offerings – the last hurrahs of Kurosawa and Bergman, highbrow artistic stuff like Fitzcarraldo and My Dinner with Andre, not to mention outstanding documentaries like the unparalleled Shoah – but taken as a whole, I think the epoch pales in comparison to the 1950s, 1970s and 2000s, which undoubtedly had more interesting and diverse fare. When it comes to sheer nostalgia, it’s hard to beat grandiose Reaganomics opuses like Roger Rabbit and Batman, but if you want something that actually appeals to you beyond reminding of you of your salad days, there really isn’t that much to dig through. The eighties were a great time for enjoyable cinema, but it was a real dead zone when it comes to meaningful cinema – so for every Do The Right Thing, you had about six or seven Brewster’s Millions and Heartbeeps.

Perhaps no Hollywood star embodied the all style and no substance Tao of the 1980s more than one Arnold Schwarzenegger. The son of a legitimate Nazi officer who once declared he admired “dictators” in a bodybuilding documentary from the late 1970s, he took the box office by storm in a string of roles that required little grasp of the English language and a lot of walking around shirtless and bazooka-ing things. Basing his career on such nuanced roles as a sword-wielding prehistoric cave-warrior who doesn’t talk much and an emotionless, futuristic cyborg assassin who says even less, the future governor of California would go on to more intricate performances in the mid-80s, playing a guy in the witness protection program who blows a lot of stuff up and a dude whose daughter is kidnapped so he has no choice but to blow up a lot of stuff. By the late 1980s, he had learned enough English to star in films that required him to pantomime human feeling, and it was at this point in his career – the sweet spot in between Predator and Last Action Hero – that Ah-nold put on perhaps his most entertaining performances.

Now, say what you will about Mr. Schwarzenegger’s skills as a thespian, but there’s no denying that between 1987 and 1991, the dude was on fire, starring in all-time action movie masterpiece after all-time action movie masterpiece. I mean, acting deficiencies aside, even egg-headed, hoity-toity critics like Roger Ebert and Rex Reed acknowledge Predator, Total Recall and Terminator 2 as among the greatest blood-and-bullets action flicks ever filmed. Alas, there is a fourth genre masterpiece hidden in Arnie’s impressive run, and for the life of me, I cannot figure out why it isn’t celebrated as one of the decade’s top populist cinema offerings.

Granted, 1987’s The Running Man may not be an intellectual tour de force, or even that impressive a special effects set piece. That said, it’s nonetheless one of the most enjoyable cheeseball action flicks of the decade, giving us what is essentially Smash TV: The Motion Picture.

On the surface, there’s not a whole lot about The Running Man’s plot that is all that fresh or unique. Very loosely based on one of Stephen King’s earlier works, the film is basically a high-tech, 80s-tastic variation on The Most Dangerous Game. The idea is a tried-and-true sci-fi staple (the same core concept serves as the basis for several preexisting genre films, including Punishment ParkThe Tenth Victim and Warriors of the Year 2072, not to mention more recent works like Battle Royale and The Hunger Games), but The Running Man approaches it in such a fun, ephemeral way that you can’t help but overlook its general lack of creativity.

Although the film is certainly no Verhoeven-social commentary classic, it’s nonetheless a bit sharper, more culturally cognizant work than most action films of the epoch, in a way, almost foreshadowing the rise of reality television and, to a certain extent, the post-9/11 surveillance state. But more than anything, it’s just grade-A, New Coke-and-crack-cocaine-flavored, NES-era bullet hole-riddled cheese, virtually impossible to not enjoy with a big, dopey, grin on your face from start to finish. So, what exactly makes The Running Man such an indelibly enjoyable little slice of nostalgia? Well, if you asked me, I’d boil it down to these five essential elements…

Reason No. 1



Richard fuckin' Dawson!

Growing up, I was a huge fan of Dawson’s work on Family Feud and Match Game (where he was consistently the only panelist sober enough to feed contestants decent answers.) Although the idea of a TV game show host portraying the central villain in a blood-and-guts-strewn action movie seems like a recipe for disaster, Dawson absolutely KILLS IT in The Running Man, putting on far and away the best, and most memorable, performance in the movie as TV show host\state propagandist Damon Killian. He’s just such a sublime slimeball, pouring on the synthetic Limey charm when he’s playing it up before the TV-viewing audience and acting all shades of asshole-ish behind the scenes, presumably portraying just a slightly more embellished version of his real-life self. As the master of ceremonies for our three-rings of pre-Savings & Loans Crisis carnage, Dawson is about as good ringleader as you could hope for … which kind of makes you wonder, considering how great he was in this flick, how come this dude never got any calls to star in any more Hollywood productions?

Reason No. 2



Arnold’s quips!

The puns are a highlight in pretty much every Ah-nold movie, but in The Running Man, they are especially delicious. Forget cleverness, forget literary allusions, the dialogue here is just cornball city. After garroting pro wrestler Professor Toru Tanaka with barbed wire in a facsimile of a hockey rink, Ahnold replies "Here is your Sub-Zero .. Now just plain zero!" in his thick, barely intelligible Austrian brogue. After shoving a whirring chainsaw through another man's crotch - effectively splitting him down the middle like a chicken wing - he ripostes "he had to split." Before sending Richard Dawson to his demise via the world's most explodey billboard, our hero drolly verbalizes the following epitaph: "you're cancelled." And of course, who can forget Ah-nold's immortal remarks to Killian when given an offer to become one of the program's new hunters: "You cold-hearted bastard! I'll tell you what I think about it. I live to see you eat that contract! But I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I'm going to ram it into your stomach and BREAK YOUR GODDAMN SPINE!" And if that wasn't enough, there's even a bit of hilarious foreshadowing early on in the movie. When underground resistance leader Mick Fleetwood (yes, the due from Fleetwood Mac) asks Ah-nold to join his guerrilla warriors, how does the future governor respond? "I'm not into politics. I'm into survival." And hey, speaking of gubernatorial contests...

Reason No. 3



Schwarzenegger vs. Ventura in a steel cage death match!

In 1987, who'd thunk that the "climactic" fight to the death between Jesse Ventura and Arnie towards the tail-end of The Running Man would represent a retroactive tussle between two democratically elected U.S. governors? The sheer weirdness of seeing two state leaders beating the dog shit out of each other in a barbed wire-draped UFC cage alone is enough to make this one of the film's most memorable sequences, but the titanic struggle itself is pretty damned fun to watch, too. Witness Ventura in fake-ass Captain America get-up choke and strangle a bloodied Ah-nold, with each men exchanging hellacious blows and emitting virtually every form of grunt the human larynx can muster before Schwarzenegger meets his end via a bull rush into a rusty-spike bedecked cage door. Of course, the entire thing is a virtual reality simulation (uh ... spoiler, I guess?) but the bait and switch doesn't detract from any of the awesomeness. Next to the back alley brawl in They Live and Arnie's battle to the death with roided-up Freddy Mercury at the end of Commando, there isn't a more awesome mano a mano brawl to be found in 1980s cinema. 

Reason No. 4


Dynamo – the most electrifying cinematic rapist of the 1980s!

The eighties really were a great time for silver screen sex criminals. Standing shoulder to shoulder with prom night rapist Biff Tanner and the non-consensual fun house boner in Revenge of the Nerds is arguably the most memorable hunter in the movie, our good pal Dynamo. Whereas the other hunters (among them, Jim Brown running around with a goddamn flamethrower) are definitely physically imposing specimens, this tubby, opera singing prisoner-slayer clad in what appears to be bits and pieces of a Commodore 64 doesn't exactly strike fear into one's heart at first glance. That is, until he hops in his dune buggy and starts zapping motherfuckers with lightning out of his hands. Although spared a slow and painful death by Arnie earlier in the film, Dynamo certainly deserved his demise at the end of the movie, when he threatens to rape Maria Conchita Alonso for referring to him as "dickless." Thankfully, the morbidly obese Electro-wannabe is done in by that old action movie standard, the old flicking-on-the-sprinkler-system-so-the-dude-wearing-exposed-wiring-on-his-sternum-gets-deep-fried-like-a-turducken routine. Oh, and as an aside: the guy who played Dynamo, Erland Van Lidth De Jeude - a legitimate Dutch royal, Olympic-level wrestler, professional bass-baritone and MIT-trained computer scientist (not to mention a damn fine character actor, as evidenced by his performances in The Wanderers and Alone in the Dark) - died just months after wrapping up principal photography for the film, hence the producers' decision to dedicate the movie in his honor. 

Reason No. 5



The old lady’s response!

In a film absolutely stocked with awesome B-level and nontraditional actors, who would have suspected that film's most hilarious moment would belong to Barbara Lux - a senior citizen with just two IMDB credits to her name? Yes, the virtual no-name actress pretty much steals the movie in her role as an elderly woman, who is picked out of the crowd and asked by Dawson who she thinks will make the next kill. Of course, keeping with convention, everybody expects her to pick one of the stalkers. However, she throws everybody for a swerve when she instead nominates Arnie's character, Ben Richards, to be the one to record the next fatality. And when Dawson asks her to pick somebody else, she fires back with one of the greatest comedic bits in any blood-soaked, 1980s violence-fest, doubling down on her endorsement of Ah-nold and confidently proclaiming "that boy's one mean motherfucker." It's such a profane, silly, outlandish and cheesy moment that panders to the lowest common denominator - in a film, that comprehensively, could be described using all of the above adjectives - but somehow, someway, it retains a simplistic, unrefined charm that, in a way, symbolizes everything great about the ostentatious, gloriously un-P.C. 1980s. In a big, loud, dumb movie, it's probably the biggest, loudest and dumbest moment of all - and by golly, if it doesn't make you laugh your ass off every single time, you've lost the part of your soul that makes you a human being worth a damn.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-dom

A fond look back at all the things that had ultra-P.C. jihadists OUTRAGED ... before they forget all about them in just a few days. 


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

Much ado about rape culture

Unless you've been living under a rock (not unlike a certain Spongebob Squarepants neighbor), you've probably heard about the saga of Brock Turner, a Stanford University kid who was arrested, charged and sentenced to six months in jail for finger-banging a drunk chick in a pine cone-strewn alley. While shocking lax sentences of the like aren't uncommon - lest we forget the former Baltimore Ravens cheerleader who only got 104 days in weekend prison for performing a lewd act on a 15-year-old boy, or the Texas man who got probation for raping a two-year-old, or the 23-year-old New Zealand woman who received eight months house arrest for filming herself performing an unspeakable act on her own one-year-old son - this one seems to have ruffled a bit more feathers than most for the trifecta of a.) the sex abuser in question being a wealthy, white athlete, b.) the boy's father and the judge stating that jail time and having to register as a sex offender would ruin the assailant's life and c.) the victim - who has not yet been publicly identified - penning a 14-page Buzzfeed worthy op-ed about why the incident - which she admits she was too drunk to recall - was such a heinous crime that has gone so viral, your old Game Boy Camera probably has it downloaded to its battery. Virtually every columnist in the world has written some kind of screed about the incident, and as this Washington Post article demonstrates, just about all of them hark back to that most malodorous societal scourge, rape culture - a completely theoretical, virtually unprovable ideal that flies directly in the face of United States Bureau of Justice Statistics data that reveal incidents of rape are at their lowest rate in 40 years. Considering about 84,000 rapes transpire in the U.S. each and every year, one has to wonder why this particular incident blew up into a national outrage. I mean, what intrinsically makes the Stanford debacle any worse than the story of the Ohio mother who let a 55-year-old man rape her two children, or the 33-year-old man in New York who tried to rape a woman on a PATH train platform, or the 55-year-old man in New Mexico who raped an 85-year-old woman, or the 15-year-old Staunton boy who raped a 14-year-old girl, or the 22-year-old intellectually disabled man in Singapore who tried to rape his four-year-old niece, or the five men in India who gang raped a 52-year-old Danish tourist? Sorry to be cynical, but something tells me you've gotten an ear and eyeful of fury over Turner - and not, say, the two men in Miami who drugged a woman and raped her to sell as pornography, or the HIV positive gay porn star who got 17 years for raping a 14-year-old child or any of the hundreds of women who have raped underage boys - because those incidents don't affirm their preexisting hatred of the financially well-off, hetero-cisgender Caucasian male. Surely, all of the scorn heaped upon Turner is deserved, but by that same token, one can't help but feel that he's getting extra public punishment because he fits that mold oh-so-many SJWs despise with an irrational, discriminatory fury. Interestingly, the very same week the Turner story broke the Internet, there was a virtual media blackout concerning the two dozen women who said they were viciously attacked at a music festival just outside of Frankfurt. All sins being (allegedly) equivalent, one would think that a incident of such a magnitude would draw twenty times the furor and outrage as the Turner assault, but seeing as how the alleged attackers are Muslim immigrants ... well, no need to stereotype an already "victimized" class any further, the post-liberal masses proclaim with shrugged shoulders, deafened ears and (self) blinded eyes. Of course the left-leaners are aghast at the notion of sexual assault - that is, just as long as the people doing the sexual assaulting aren't members of one of their protected in-groups. Of course they will decry that hideous, horrendous "rape culture" in frat-boy dudebro culture, but when it comes to the much more rampant sex abuse in the Muslim community, the Jewish community, the Hispanic community, the African-American community and the gay community, they simply don't give a shit. Although Brock Turner deserves a long stay in jail and a thorough lambasting from the general public, let's not mince words - in this trial by public opinion, he's being targeted less for the act itself and much, much more because he hits all the aggravators - rich, white, straight, male and able-bodied - that the social justice lynch mobs decided needed to be "disestablished" years before the much maligned Stanford sexual assaulter was in Pampers

Women proudly do their part to narrow the moral turpitude gap

Despite the fact that women are earning a majority of college degrees, obtaining postgraduate degrees at higher rates, reporting higher part-time pay, are privy to more college scholarships, have lower on-the-job mortality rates, receive less harsh sentences for committing the exact same crimes and win custody of children more often than their male counterparts, the Western culture narrative is that, by golly, women are still being persecuted left and right by a terribly, terribly misogynistic specter that - although a wholly intangible, non-physical idea instead of a concrete, observable object - permeates every facet of society. Although not exactly heralded as the sexism eroding triumphs they are, women today are certainly giving men a run for their money in a category long thought to be the domain of the XY-chromosome set - good old fashioned, murder, mayhem, and debauchery. Move over, fellas - let's hear it for these extraordinary gals doing their part to shatter the "glass ceiling" of depravity.


And capping off our whirlwind tour of disgusting, feminine carnage, 29-year-old Octavia Renee Rogers of Phoenix has been charged with the gruesome stabbing death of her three children - all boys, ages 8, 5 and two months old. Police say she was high on synthetic marijuana at the time of the murders and failed to kill herself following the triple pedicide, although her attempt to slash open her own throat did leave a pretty gnarly, Frankenstein-esque wound

New report says 45 million people enslaved across the globe

You know, considering how often we are reminded how unbearably god awful the Atlantic slave trade was (to the point fuckin' Snopp Dog has aired his annoyance with Hollywood's obsession with the black man's historical bondage), it's more than a little interesting (and by interesting, I mean "hypocritical as fuck") that so few self-described progressivists seem to care that much about the plight of contemporary slaves. According to the Walk Free Foundation's recently released 2016 Global Slavery Index, an estimated 45 million people today are considered enslaved subjects, with India alone home to at least 18 million slaves - which is about six million more people than ALL of the African slaves imported to the Americas throughout recorded human history. Interestingly, the organization estimates a good six million Sub-Saharan Africans are in bondage, with Sudan, the Democratic Republic of Congo, Mauritania and the Central African Republic posting among the planet's highest per capita rates of enslavement. Which, naturally, just begs the question - just why in the hell are so many SJWs infatuated with the oppression of the 1800s when four times as many people are being victimized by the same ghastly social construct at this very moment?

Back in black (crime)

In today's America, the African-American folks get a real bad rap (but, uh, not this kind of bad rap.) Sure, black individuals - who make up barely 13 percent of the total national populace - may record 51.3 percent of all U.S. murders and 55.9 percent of all robberies, but let's take a look at their (pardon the pun) criminally-low rates of D.U.I.s, and violations of anti-drunkenness laws. I mean, holy shit, the white folks absolutely dominate when it comes to drinking crimes, which means perhaps we shouldn't get all that caught up in a tizzy when our more melaninated brethren haul off and do things like these...


And in the great state of Mississippi, 25-year-old Joshua Blunt is facing second-degree murder charges for leaving his 8-month-old daughter in a hot car until she died from hyperthermia. As you'd expect, Blunt's defense team is playing the race card like a Game Genie-equipped NES. "The people making the decisions are white," said attorney Carlos Moore. "If this man had been any other color besides black, I believe he would be at home, grieving like a normal father and preparing for a funeral." Frankly. I am as shocked as he is. I mean, holy shit, a black man in Mississippi who actually raised his biological child!

Georgia, as always, remains the best state in the union

Oh goodness, the Peach State is filled with such wonderful, wonderful people. Sure, it may not have the reputation for batshit insane violent crime that Florida has, but if you asked me, our unique brand of mentally maladjusted, needlessly aggressive criminal is among the dandiest in the nation. Don't believe me? Well, just take a gander at the following trangressions - be they blunt violations of the civil code or unforgivable slights against the social justice hive-mind - in Braves Country as of late...



And lastly, ya'll remember Bobby Brown, right? You know, the guy from New Edition who (reportedly) beat the living shit out of Whitney Houston for the better part of 20 years? Promoting a new tell-all book (which, among other scintillating tidbits, alleges that the his ex-wife had an affair with Tupac), Brown writes that he experienced some sexual abuse himself after moving into an Atlanta mansion formerly owned by Atlanta porn kingpin Mike Thevis - in the form of being raped by a ghost. "I need you to hear what I'm saying because I'm not making this up," he states. "And let me add this: This was before I ever touched any drug, besides weed and alcohol."

The lighter side of horrific murder

You know, just because a horrifically violent, gruesome and nonsensical homicide took place doesn't mean you can't rummage through the bloody tea leaves and pick up some sort of worthwhile gallows humor. I mean, just take a gander at these recent wacky homicides and tell me there isn't some sort of ghoulishly admirable camp in all of the wanton carnage:




Washing over whitewashing

Over the last few years, the term "whitewashing" has become en vogue term for regressive leftists to attack what they perceive as micro-examples of racism in U.S. culture. Fundamentally, this is the widely-held (and, naturally, indisputable) belief that anytime a white actor portrays an individual who - historically or in pre-established media - was non-white, it's nothing short of a pop culture hate crime. Indeed, there is an entire Wikipedia article dedicated to all the times melanin-deficient Americans portrayed characters who were anything other than mayonnaise-white honkies and crackers. Interestingly, the term used to describe the opposite phenomenon - in which non-Caucasians play characters who, historically or in preexisting media, were described as unmistakably white - has a much softer label - the innocuous-to-the-point-of-being suspicious "non-traditional casting." Alas, while people yell and bitch and moan and cry "ray, ray racism!" like a stammering social justice warrior Scooby Doo because some filmmaker says he might cast a white guy to play Michael Jackson, virtually nobody made a peep when promotional images for the new London stage production of Harry Potter revealed an African-British Hermione Granger, nor were there any articles on The Huffington Post slamming Disney for casting that dude from Hamilton - arguably the most appropriatey thing in the history of appropriation - as the new Bert in the forthcoming Mary Poppins re-do. One gets the feeling that such silence would not be expected had the racial roles been reversed - I mean, can you imagine an all white version of The Wiz or an all white version of the old Ja Rule music video for Mesmerize

Islam-a-mania's running' wild, brother

Yes, a majority of the world's Muslim people are peaceful. In fact, by and large, they are so peaceful that there's no point bringing up all of the incidents of mass violence perpetrated by Islamic individuals compared to those who are hardcore adherents of other religions for comparative purposes ... ever. Alas, with Ramadan in full swing, we consider it our civic duty to fill you in on all of the things the Mohammadens are up to these days. Wondering what "the religion of peace" has wrought over the last fortnight? Well, here you go, infidels...


Of course, that revered liberal progressivist icon the Dalai Lama has to have some enlightening thoughts on the European migrant crisis. So what did he tell a German newspaper on June 1? "Germany cannot become an Arab country ... Germany is Germany. There are so many that in practice it becomes difficult. From a moral point of view, too, I think that the refugees should only be admitted temporarily." And remember, kids ... that's straight out of the mouth of his holiness

Higher ed continues noble quest to eradicate world of free thought, expression

Remember when college used to be considered a citadel of free speech, a haven for contrarian thinkers to go against the grain and shape our gilded youth into more critical, well-informed individuals? Well, that shit has been dead as a door nail for at least 25 years, but the amount of Orwellian dreck coming out of hallowed university halls nowadays nonetheless remains equally impressive and concerning. Take heed, America: this is the stuff we're paying our young 'uns to learn nowadays...


And in our how the fuck could anybody agree to fund this bullshit research project of the week, researchers at UCLA recently dropped a report declaring that high school suspensions are costing America hundreds of billions of dollars per year. So, uh, how is Little Johnny getting afterschool detention for calling his teacher a "fuckface" decimating the economy? Well, uh, it isn't directly, UCLA "researchers" declare, but kids who get suspended are more likely to drop out of school, and if they drop out of school they won't make as much money as a Ph. D. in neuroscience, so by subtracting the amount of money a doctor makes per year from how much the average non-high-school-graduate employee makes per year ... that's how much school suspensions are costing us, everybody. Uh - shouldn't fucking college researchers know the difference between "causation" and "correlation" by now? 

Your required dose of The Donald

With the Bern all but extinguished, it looks like we're going to have Hilary Clinton representing the Dems this November. Naturally, this means the media - which has absolutely exhausted itself trying to come up with every possible campaign-derailing trick they can think of - has to really up their game to take out Republican challenger Donald Trump, whose populist, nationalistic, "fuck political correctness" bravado represents arguably the greatest threat to their ability to dictate American thought since the heyday of Andrew Jackson. Taking their brazen political favoritism to lofty new heights of incredulity, click bait pioneer Buzzfeed recently announced that they would refuse to run advertisements for Donald Trump on their site, with the the failing company's president stating it is for the same reason they don't run ads for cigarettes - because Trump is LITERALLY a public health menace. Meanwhile, New York Times scribe Michael Barbaro - who, in the past, has given lectures describing the necessity to "fudge" reality to make stories more captivating - wound up eating a load of his own shit when a hit piece alleging Trump acted like a sexist maniac at a beauty pageant was refuted by the very same people he portrayed as "victims" of Donald's misdoings. And of course, the media had a field day when Trump criticized the partiality of U.S. District Judge Gonzalo Curiel - who belongs to an organization non-descriptively called "San Diego La Raza (Espanol for "The Race") Lawyers' Association" - all the while downplaying all the predominantly Caucasian Trump supporters who were beaten, bloodied and pelted with objects by Mexican-flag-waving Sanders supporters at a recent San Jose rally (nor did the media care too much to explore the mayor's alleged order that police "stand down" during all the mayhem.) Then there are the antics of Vox "reporter" Emmett Rensin, who did away with objectivity (and civility) altogether, urging his readers to "riot" if and when Trump made a campaign stop in their neck of the woods. And proving once and for all that there is literally NO opportunity too small to attack the Donald, overrated comedian Judd Apatow told reporters that the reason why the Internet reaction to the all-women Ghostbusters re-do is so negative is because, by golly, everybody downvoting the trailer on YouTube are a bunch of misogynistic Trump supporters

Of course, as Election Day draws nearer, the anti-Trump rancor is going to grow stronger and stronger. With Hilary Clinton's war chest expected to be in the hundreds of millions of dollars, Trump has no choice but to align himself with big money donors to go toe-to-toe with Hil, and needless to say, I think we all know who the media is going to be tossing their support - both ideologically and financially - to in the lead up to the first Tuesday in November. The only question now is just how low will the media go to make sure Trump isn't elected - and even in an industry infamous for distorting reality to absurd degrees to fit their agendas and causes, I'd venture to guess that we haven't seen nothing compared to what awaits us later this year. Better have your galoshes on tight folks - we are about to get knee deep in some seriously stinky bullshit. 

...and a few headlines that speak for themselves...