Thursday, November 24, 2016

2016 NFL Power Rankings - Week 11!

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat it - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

This Week's Episode:

"December Awaits..."

THE ELITES

Dallas Cowboys (9-1)

Season Point Differential: +98

The Cowboys' nine-game win streak continued with a 27-17 win over the Ravens. Dak Prescott finished the outing with 301 yards and three touchdown passes, with Dez Bryant wrapping up the game with 80 yards and two scores on only six receptions.

New England Patriots (8-2)

Season Point Differential: +91

Yeah, the Pats really didn't have any difficulties getting past the lowly Niners. In the 30-17 win, Tom Brady posted 280 passing yards and four touchdowns - in the process, tagging four separate receivers for excursions into San Fran's end zone.

Philadelphia Eagles (5-5)

Season Point Differential: +55

Following a 26-15 loss to Seattle, the Eagles are now .500 in arguably the toughest division in all of pro football. On the positive side, Philly has just two road games remaining on the schedule - what should be pretty facile wins at Baltimore and Cincinnati. Like I said, though - should be pretty facile wins.

Denver Broncos (7-3)

Season Point Differential: +50

The Broncos had a bye last week - they emerge this weekend for a pivotal divisional throwdown with the Chiefs. Their final three games of the season are an absolute murderer's row of opponents - after going toe-to-toe with the Pats on Dec. 18, they have a Christmas clash with Kansas City and a New Year's Day season finale against the Raiders.

Seattle Seahawks (7-2-1)

Season Point Differential: +46

The Seahawks' D held up very well against the Eagles Sunday. In Seattle's 26-15 win, they held Philadelphia to just 218 yards passing and only 113 rushing. Offensively, Doug Baldwin put in another Pro Bowl calibre performance, wrapping up the contest with 104 yards on just four catches.

Buffalo Bills (5-5)

Season Point Differential: +38

It wasn't pretty, but the Bills managed to improve to .500 following an ugly 16-12 win over Cincinnati. Give the Buffalo D some credit though; they managed to pick off Andy Dalton twice and held the Bengals to just 93 rushing yards all day long.

Atlanta Falcons (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +37

After a bye week, the Falcons return this weekend to tango with the Cardinals. After a Dec. 4 battle with Kansas City, Atlanta's schedule gets much easier - they conclude the 2016 season with a four game swing against the Rams, the Niners, the Panthers and the Saints, all of whom are sub-.500 teams as of week 11.

Arizona Cardinals (4-5-1)

Season Point Differential: +36

With six games remaining on their schedule, the Cardinals are going to have to run the table to keep their narrowing playoff hopes alive. Step one is improving that O-line; in the Cards' 30-24 loss to Minnesota, Carson Palmer got sacked no less than four times for a cumulative loss of 43 yards.

THE PLAYOFF HOPEFULS

Kansas City Chiefs (7-3)

Season Point Differential: +35

In one of the biggest shockers of the season so far, the Chiefs got upset at home by, of all teams, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Alex Smith did look a little shaky in the 19-17 loss - if the disappointing play continues, just how long until Andy Reid promotes Nick Foles to starter status?

Oakland Raiders (8-2)

Season Point Differential: +29

The Texans outran the Raiders 124 yards to 30 on Monday night. So how did Oakland adjust their gameplan? Simple - in the fourth quarter they said "fuck it" and just started throwing the ball to their running backs. And if you're wondering just how successful that little strategy was, the 27-20 come from behind victory for the Raiders ought to tell you everything you need to know.

Minnesota Vikings (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +29

The Vikes finally got out of their four-game losing slump with a hard fought 30-24 win over the Cardinals. Believe it or not, Minnesota actually chalked up two 100-yard plus touchdown plays in the outing - a 100-yard INT return for Xavier Rhodes and a 104-yard kick return by Cordarrelle Patterson.

Pittsburgh Steelers (5-5)

Season Point Differential: +23

That the Steelers beat the Browns 24-9 isn't surprising at all. What is surprising, however, is how they did it. Big Ben had no touchdown passes in the outing and Le'Veon Bell recorded just one touchdown run - the remaining 17 points came in the form of field goals and a late defensive fumble return with about four minutes left in the fourth.

Washington Redskins (6-3-1)

Season Point Differential: +21

Kirk Cousins had a hell of a game Sunday. In the 'Skins 42-24 win over the Packers, he lobbed the pigskin for 375 yards and three touchdowns, ultimately going 21 for 30 on pass attempts. And he's not the only player for Washington who recorded a hat trick, either; running back Robert Kelly finished the game with 137 yards and three touchdowns on 24 carries.

San Diego Chargers (4-6)

Season Point Differential: +14

Hot off a bye week, the Chargers test their mettle against the Texans this Sunday.With the possible exception of a Dec. 24 hootenanny against the Browns, every game on San Diego's schedule from here on out is very losable - especially their home stands against Tampa Bay, Oakland and Kansas City.

Baltimore Ravens (5-5)

Season Point Differential: +12

Well, if there's a silver lining to last Sunday's 27-17 loss to the Cowboys, it's that the Ravens didn't get bumped off the top of the AFC Central totem pole. Alas, with the team in a mathematical dead heat with the Steelers, Baltimore is really going to have to crank it up down the December stretch - especially with a schedule that includes games against the Dolphins, Patriots and Eagles.

Detroit Lions (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +06

Every single Lions game this season has been decided by one touchdown. Over the weekend, the NFC North totem pole toppers came out in the black instead of the red, besting the Jags 26-19. Strangely, much ballyhooed MVP candidate Matt Stafford posted no scores in the game - rather, about half of Detroit's points came off an Andre Roberts punt return and a Rafael Bush pick six.

THE MIDDLE OF THE PACK

Tennessee Titans (5-6)

Season Point Differential: +06

Following a 24-17 loss to Indy, the Titans are on a bye this weekend. They should have no problems getting past the Bears or the Jags, but those matchups against the Broncos, Chiefs and Texans are no doubt going to be brutal.

New York Giants (7-3)

Season Point Differential: +04

The G-Men continue to impress, with their latest victory a 22-16 win over the really, really shitty Bears. Eli Manning went 21 for 36 in the outing, collecting 227 yards and two TD passes. Meanwhile, Rashad Jennings provided a steady run game, racking up 85 yards and one score on 21 carries.

Miami Dolphins (6-4)

Season Point Differential: +02

With a 14-10 win over the Rams, the Dolphins now find themselves just outside the periphery of playoff discussions. Of course, the Fins are going to have to win and win often if they want to keep their post-season reveries alive - and a slate of games against the Ravens, Cardinals, Bill and Patriots will not be easy roads to hoe.

New Orleans Saints (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -01

After losing 23-20 to the Panthers, the Saints are two games below .500. The remainder of their schedule includes rough road games against Atlanta, Arizona and Tampa Bay and some tough Superdome showdowns with the Lions and the Rams - unless Atlanta or T.B. really shits the bed in December, you can't really be too optimistic about the Saints' playoffs aspirations moving forward.

Carolina Panthers (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -02

The Panthers got a big - perhaps even season-saving - win over the Saints, 23-20, last Thursday night. At 4-6, Carolina finds themselves two games behind the Falcons, one game behind Tampa Bay and they own the tiebreaker over fellow 4-6ers New Orleans. Alas, with road games against the Raiders, Redskins and Seahawks on the docket - not to mention some tough home stands against Atlanta and San Diego - this team could find themselves out of the postseason discussion in a real hurry.

Indianapolis Colts (5-5)

Season Point Differential: -10

The Colts took down the Titans 24-17 in a crucial divisional match-up Sunday. With the Texans falling to 6-4, Indianapolis has a pretty good shot of catching up with Houston for the AFC South lead ... or, at the very least, making 'em sweat a little heading down the December stretch.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (5-5)

Season Point Differential: -24

It ain't easy winning at Kansas City, but by golly, that's exactly what Jameis Winston and pals did last Sunday afternoon. In the 19-17 win, the former FSU star went 24 for 39 for 331 yards and one TD, with receiver Mike Evans - who, as it turns out, won't be protesting Trump's election at anymore games - hauling in 105 yards on just six catches.

Cincinnati Bengals (3-6-1)

Season Point Differential: -27

In the wake of a 16-12 loss to the Bills, Cincinnati finds themselves technically four games under .500. With six games left on the docket, empirical wisdom would suggest the Bengals have to win every game from hereon out to even think about the word "playoffs."

ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE DRAFT

Green Bay Packers (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -29

Boy, who'd thunk we'd have seen the Packers - considered the epitome of a perennially successful NFL team - residing in the Anxiously Awaiting the Draft section of the power rankings this late into the season? The Packers 42-24 loss to the Redskins is more than enough prove that this team has plenty of defensive deficiencies to work out. Sorry, cheese heads, but in today's offensive uber alles NFL, not even Aaron Rodgers passing for 300 yards and three touchdowns a game is enough to guarantee you a win anymore.

Houston Texans (6-4)

Season Point Differential: -34

Houston fans are looking for every excuse in the world for why they blew Monday night's fourth quarter lead against the Raiders. Bad ball spots. A receiver not stepping out of bounds and thus negating what would have been a touchdown. The fans in Mexico City shining laser pointers in Brock Osweiler's eyes, throwing paper airplanes on the field and chanting "puto" whenever the Texans returned a kick or punt. The one thing they won't blame, however, is probably the thing the team owes its 27-20 loss to the most - not being able to cover Raiders receivers on medium range passes.

Los Angeles Rams (4-6)

Season Point Differential: -38

When it's all said and done, the 2016 Rams may have had the absolute fugliest season in pro football history. Their latest snooze-fest was a cruddy 14-10 loss to the Dolphins; alas, with a four game murderer's row against the Saints, Falcons, Patriots and Seahawks up next, we may finally start to see something that resembles a formal football offense in L.A. again.

New York Jets (3-7)

Season Point Differential: -65

The Jets were AWOL during week 11, but they're going to be a lot more noticeable in week 12 as they go nose-to-nose with divisional arch rivals New England. And this is a team that's going to get well acquainted with their foes in the AFC East - indeed, their final three games of the year, in order, are against the Dolphins, the Patriots and the Bills.

Jacksonville Jaguars (2-8)

Season Point Differential: -72

Well, at least the Jags kept it close in their 26-19 loss to the Lions. All but technically eliminated from the postseason, pretty much all Jacksonville can do is scrap and bite and claw as hard as they can to reach .500 - which, considering their schedule includes some tough outings against the Bills, Broncos, Vikings and Texans over the next four weeks - seems extraordinarily unlikely.

Chicago Bears (2-8)

Season Point Differential: -80

After the 22-16 loss to the Giants Sunday, the Bears are pretty much all but finished this year. That's especially true considering Jay Cutler will be sidelined for the remainder of the season - which means either Matt Barkley or David Fales will be under center for the next six games. Pay heed, DeShaun Watson and Mitch Trubisky ... this is the O-line entrusted with your safety come 2017.

San Francisco 49ers (1-9)

Season Point Differential: -109

In the Niners' 30-17 loss to New England, Colin K. lobbed the rock for 206 yards and two touchdowns. He also got sacked five times for a cumulative loss of 29 yards, so yeah, there's that, too.

Cleveland Browns (0-11)

Season Point Differential: -141

And with a 24-9 loss to the Steelers, the Browns find themselves becoming the first NFL team of the 2016 season to be officially eliminated from playoff contention. Thankfully for Cleveland and its supporters, the team has a much-needed bye following this week's clash with the Giants ... which means, for at least one week this autumn, the Browns are guaranteed to not lose something.

B-Movie Review: 'Blood Freak' (1972)

It may very well be the only pro-Christianity, anti-drug propaganda film ever made featuring exposed breasts and a man-turkey chimera slitting people's throats open.

By: Jimbo X

JimboXAmerican@gmail.com

@Jimbo__X

I've seen a lot of cheesy, no-budget, schlocky exploitation films over the years and I've seen a lot of really clumsy attempts to persuade the masses into believing all sorts of crazy bullshit via audiovisual agitprop. And while there is often quite a bit of overlap between the two genres of film, I don't think I've ever seen a movie that so perfectly straddles the line between ill-conceived evangelical propaganda and pure-D, degenerate cinema B-movie goodness as much as the hyper-obscure, early '70s Floridian flick Blood Freak.

It's hard to put a finger on what it is, exactly, that makes the Brad F. Grinter-helmed production such a marvelous medley of proselytizin' and sensationalizin'. It has a very clear pro-Christian bent, but at the same time, it's also filled to the brim with blood, sex and enough drugs to kill half of the Saturday Night Live cast circa 1979 a dozen or so times over. Granted, the whole point is to make some sort of oblique anti-drug use message, but the way the "moral" is delivered is just so damned weird. I'm not sure if the filmmakers wanted to make an anti-drug, pro-Jesus movie and then built a werewolf-turkey-vampire-murderer movie around it or they had a werewolf-turkey-vampire-murderer movie already in the can and then decided to inject it with an anti-marijuana, pro-Christianity message, but the entire affair just feels like two completely separate movies forced to split rent with each other, Odd Couple style. I've never seen anything quite like it, and I've spent a good 30 years of my life going out of my way to catch the obscurest celluloid rubbish I could get my hands on - so, trust me, that's saying something.

So with Thanksgiving time here again, what better way to celebrate the holiday than with a Nixon era sleaze-fest that maybe five or six people in human history remember? Oh, you just know you want to eat you some mashed potatoes and stuffing to this shit right here...

The film begins with a close-up shot of bubbling red stuff - presumably blood, but you never know, it could be cherry Kool-Aid. After the credits, uh, stop frothing, we're thrown to this one dude who is staring at the camera and smoking a cigarette (it's the director, in case you were wondering.) He's clearly reading the script on the desk as he yammers on and on about finding "some fantastic order" to the random people we bump into, who in turn represent catalysts for major changes in our our own life. Why, we can meet them at the drugstore, buying groceries or even cruising down the Florida turnpike...

...and that's our introduction to Herschell, a big, burly Glenn Danzig looking dude who rides a motorcycle while squealing, shitty guitar rock blares in the background. He eyes a broad in a blue convertible and they decide to meet up at a gas station. From there, they hit up a party where everybody is drinking orange juice and snorting cocaine. A woman immediately offers Herschell a drag of her marijuana cigarette, and then this other chick wearing a lot of red hits on him and compliments him on his "strong arms." But then he tells her he doesn't go for girls who act like tramps and she responds by calling him "a dumb bastard" who doesn't know where it's at. Cue several super up-close shots of people's faces while they roll joints.

The early 1970s: back when women were women and men ... well, they looked like that.

So the chick Herschell picked up gives him a quick bible lesson about the Holy Ghost, while her more "worldly" sister tells her she is full of shit. The narrator returns, lights up a cig and puts Herschell's predicament in context - is he going to go with the conservative girl, or her drug-doing ho of a sibling? Per our narrator, such represents "a game of wits and ego" that paves the way for nightmarish experiences even worse than what he went through in Vietnam.

This one dude offers Herschell a job at his turkey ranch. The ho sister shows up while Herschell works on a pool pump and she calls him a dumbass for not taking her up on her sexaul advances. She sparks up a jay while he talks about how different she is from her sister. He takes a drag after she calls him a coward for not smoking with her.

They pass the doobie back and forth and start laughing like retards. She takes him to bed and even though he is stoned he keeps asking her why can't she be more like her bible-thumping sister. The narrator jumps back in, stating anybody who could turn down what she was offering is definitely "less of a man than Herschell." Which, uh, I guess means "homosexual," in case you needed the clarification.

Following an up-close shot of a mystery woman's ass, we get another motorcycle riding montage. Herschell arrives at the turkey farm and literally just gobbles at the livestock for a minute. Then he waltzes into the farm's lab(?!?) where two researchers ask him if he would be a guinea pig for an experimental poultry super-growth formula. Of course, he says "sure, why not" and he chases some turkeys down and he goes back to that one broad's place and out of nowhere, he starts wailing and holding his stomach and stumbling all over the place. She calls some dude in flannel, who shows up with some joints. Herschell smokes it like a crack fiend going through withdrawls and then he beats the shit out of the dealer, saying that because he got him hooked, he owes him a steady supply of free super-weed ... or else he's going to break every bone in his body.

Now that's what I call a peeping Tom ... turkey.

Alright, so back to the turkey farm we go. Herschell uncovers an aluminum foil wrapped tray and what do you know, it's a full cooked turkey. He chows down on a leg while the soundtrack explodes into a cacophony of gobbling. Then he stumbles outside, passes out on the lawn and starts convulsing like an epileptic having a seizure. The ranch owner learns the scientists gave him the experimental turkey juice and he decides to do the most humane thing he can - he orders his men to dump Herschell's body in a draining ditch. Hey, it's better than having the po-po sniffing all over the place, aint' it?

Night falls, and a the slutty sister gets attacked on a waterbed by ... well, something with a beak. Whatever it is, its visage was so ghoulish she passes out from horror as soon as she sees it. The assailant rubs paper on her face and leaves. She wakes up and deduces the "thing" is actually Herschell. Hey, lookie here, it's a letter from Herschell, explaining how he just woke up looking like ... that.

From here, we start treading into Toxic Avenger territory. "Gosh, Herschell, you sure are ugly," his main squeeze remarks. She asks him if the effects wear off and says she feels guilty about turning him into a were-turkey because ... well, she just does, OK? Needless to say, the acting in this one ain't exactly on par with your usual Merchant Ivory production.

She continues to kvetch. What would their children look like if the father was some kind of chicken beast? Apparently, it's something she gets over pretty quickly - soon, she dims the lights and all we can here are impassioned gobbling noises and the sound of a woman suggestively moaning.

How this film still didn't become immortalized as a shitty grindcore album cover is simply beyond me.

She calls her sister and tells her something really, really bad has happened to Herschell. That's our cue for the narrator to pop back up on screen. He speaks in broken up dialogue, a'la William Shatner, about how when things get extremely bad, people usually turn to God as a last resort.

Two hippies show up and we get our first look at Herschell in full-on turkey mode - and it's literally just him wearing a big-assed chicken helmet. He stumbles around the countryside some more and spies in on a drug-doing couple. He kidnaps the woman as she heads to her car. We go back to the hippies and they're smoking grass and arranging some kind of deal for someone to hunt the turkey beast down. And then the titular creature abducts yet another woman. This leads to a scene in which the turkey monster slits a female victim's jugular open with what appears to be a knitting pin so he can drink her blood like it was one of those chocolate geysers at Golden Corral.

A couple in a car help each other shoot up. A woman wearing an American flag tank top gets poked and bled dry, too. This gives us our clearest shot of the turkey mask yet ... and yeah, it still looks pretty ghetto.

A random old dude gets choked, while the soundtrack deteriorates into a mixture of shrieking violins and metal bell clangs. An overweight woman finds a blood-drained corpse and tackles the turkey-man, only to get stabbed for her efforts. A shirtless dude calls up his supplier and asks him if he can score him some more mega-pot. Turkey-man is still running around, gobbling and killing shit. The drug man comes over and he negotiates payment with his client ... which in this case, entails pimping out the dude's girlfriend.

Yeah - I think I'll stick with the faux turkey meals, fellas.

So the drug dealer tries to rape her, and of course, our turkey-beast shows up and scares him off. He goes outside and turkey man begins his pursuit. The man gets choked out, the were-turkey chucks him on a table and then? He proceeds to cut his fucking leg off with a power saw, and they show every gory second of the dismemberment. (According to IMDB, the actor they used for the scene was a dude who actually had just one leg - so at least these folks are doing their part to promote disability rights, I suppose.)

It's early morning, and the turkey-man is being chased around by the hippie hunter. Then the were-turkey has a hallucination of a real turkey having its head lopped off by a machete ... with people eating its remains with the turkey-man's helmet on the table as a centerpiece!

Herschell, back in human form, is awakened by the ranch owner. He talks about doing drugs back in 'Nam and how he's now addicted to that damn super-marijuana. The rancher tells the scientists their experimenting days are over and done with and he's going to leave Herschell in the care of the bible-thumping sister (who fittingly enough, also happens to work at the local rehab center.) She calls up her sister, and she says Herschell has been hallucinating like crazy and fessed up to feeding him super-pot. So, uh, I take it that means he didn't actually turn into a turkey beast and eat half a dozen or so people?

The rancher explains to the preachy sister that Herschell damn near lost his mind because he was mixing experimental turkey drugs with a highly potent strain of reefer. Herschell then breaks down and begs God to forgive him and help him get off drugs. This segues to our final encounter with the narrator, who says scientists believe the only "universal constant" is change while he sucks down another cancer stick. "But the horrors that occur in the minds of those who allow the indiscriminate use of the human body as a mixing bowl for drugs and chemicals, horrors are as real as the real horror," he warns the viewing audience. This leads to the absolute most hilarious scene in movie history, when he starts coughing his fucking lungs up but apparently somebody forgot to edit it out of the final cut. He then chides us for not heeding warnings about the perils of drug use and, ironically, continues to hack and wheeze like a used dog toy, apparently because he never heeded the warnings on all those damn cigarette packs. And to wrap up the whole shindig, we get ourselves a post-credits scene in which Herschell and one of his gal pals (I honestly can't tell which sister it's supposed to be though) make out on a pier while romantic guitar music plays ... with "the end" dripping off the screen in bloody red font, for some reason.

Yeah, there's not really a whole lot more to be said about Blood Freak and its (non) impact on American culture. Narrator/director Brad F. Grinter would go on to helm two more feature films, Never the Twain and Barely Proper, before he decided this whole filmmaking shtick wasn't his bag. He spent the remainder of his days dicking around in Florida, before he kicked the bucket in 1993.

Steve Hawkes, the guy who played Herschell (yes, the character was named after the auteur/autist behind Blood Feast and The Wizard of Gore), also served as the film's co-writer. Shockingly, he never really made it as an actor, and has spent the bulk of his post-Blood Freak career running some kind of low-rent wild animal refuge in the Sunshine State. As for the rest of the cast, well ... to be perfectly honest with you, they didn't do much of shit. I am as surprised as you are.

As hokey and amateurish as it may be, Blood Freak is one of those movies I can't help but enjoy as a guiltiest of guilty pleasures. There's just something so strangely quaint about it - despite the incredible misguidedness of the whole "come to Jesus" subplot, at the same time, you can't help but be just a little charmed that these guys tried to make an impassioned piece of Christian apologia by way of werewolf-turkey-monster exploitation movie. It sure beats handing out flyers and knocking door to door like Jehovah's Witnesses to spread the gospel, that's for damned sure.

You just knew that - at some point in human history - somebody was going to make a movie about a killer turkey. I suppose we should all be thankful that the first out the gate - yes, decades before that one episode of South Park and that godawful piece of shit ThanksKilling -- that movie came in the form of a bloody, titty-filled horror flick that cost about $200 to make that also doubles as a trojan horse for evangelicalism.

And for that alone, dear readers, we should all remain eternally thankful that Blood Freak - for whatever reason - got made in the first place.

2016 NCAA Top 25 Rankings (Week 12!)

Tell the Associated Press to take a hike ... these are the only college pigskin rankings you ought to pay any attention to.

By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

This Week's Episode:

"Hello again, friend of a friend..."

The A.P.? The USA Today's Coaches Poll? Whatever jibber-jabber is being puked out over at ESPN and Bleacher Report? Puh-leeze, we all know those alleged "Top 25" countdowns are pathetic jokes penned by homers, Power Five loyalists and Notre Dame nuthuggers. That's why I decided to release my own weekly rundown of the best FBS college football squads in the States, completely devoid of all the usual fanboyism and corporate malarkey that makes lists of the like elsewhere so unbelievably annoying.

Throughout the regular season, a new installment will go up every Wednesday morning, so you may want to bookmark this sucker for future reference ... and to show to all of your fellow NCAA football lovin' chums, so they can know that - at least somewhere out in the tangled, endlessly frustrating World Wide Web - there's someone on the Internet with some goddamn horse sense when it comes to ranking college 'ball teams.

Alabama (11-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Auburn (Nov. 26)

As expected, the Tide absolutely beat the shit out of Chattanooga over the weekend. Following the 31-3 win, the only thing standing in the way of a National Championship playoffs berth - if not the No. 1 seed overall - is a one-two in-conference swing against Auburn in the Iron Bowl and against Florida two weeks out in the SEC Championship Game.

Western Michigan (11-0)

Next Opponent: vs. Toledo (Nov. 25)

That's right, the Broncos undefeated season continues via a dominant 38-0 win over Khalil Mack's alma mater Buffalo. With just two games left on the docket - including a way better than it sounds clash this weekend against Toledo - there's a very strong chance Western Michigan can finish the season with no losses on their record. And in that, who knows? They might just earn themselves a play date with a team from a "real" conference on New Year's Day, which in turn could give W.M. an opportunity to prove all those snobby critics in the playoff selection committee they definitely erred by not giving them a shot at the final four.

Michigan (10-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Ohio State (Nov. 26)

Even with some guy named "O'Korn" playing quarterback, the Wolverines still managed to top Indiana 20-10 last Saturday. With their backup QB likely starting over Wilton Speight in the road trip to Columbus, though, you really, really have to second guess Michigan's chances this Saturday - and with it, their National Championship aspirations.

Clemson (10-1)

Next Opponent: vs. South Carolina (Nov. 26)

Of all the teams gunning for the playoffs, I reckon Clemson has the path of least resistance ahead of them. Following a facile 35-13 win over Wake Forest, the Tigers now have what should be a pretty easy game against South Carolina and a tougher - but still winnable - outing against North Carolina or Virginia Tech left on the schedule. Simply put, there's no excuse for Clemson to not win the ACC and tap dance their way into the four-team playoffs. Although - as the last couple of weeks have demonstrated - you really can't rule anything out this late in the college football season.

Ohio State (10-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Michigan (Nov. 26)

Ohio State just barely got by Michigan State 17-16, but hey, a "W" is still a "W" ain't it? Pretty much the whole bag of marbles is on the line this weekend, as the victor in the Wolverines/Buckeyes clash is guaranteed a spot in the Big 10 Championship game. But surely, whoever wins that game won't go on to lose to Nebraska or Wisconsin two weeks ago and really fuck up the playoffs picture, right? RIGHT?!?

Washington (10-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Washington State (Nov. 25)

Following a 44-18 beatdown of Arizona State, the Huskies - pardon the cliche - control their own destinies. Following a regular season closer against Washington State (which, right out of the gate, is anything but a gimme), Washington will then do battle against one of three very tricky opponents in the PAC-12 Championship Game: Colorado, USC or Utah. If they can stay unbeaten over the next two games, this squad is pretty much a lock for the playoffs. But if they drop just one, though ...

Boise State (10-1)

Next Opponent: vs. Air Force (Nov. 25)

Running back Jeremy McNichols had four rushing touchdowns in the Broncos' 42-25 win over UNLV last Saturday. That ought to be enough to solidify the Blue Turfers a slot in the Mountain West championship game. And a win there? Well, I, for one, would love to see the team take on yet another overperforming, non-power-five team nicknamed the Broncos somewhere down the line...

Oklahoma (9-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma State (Dec. 03)

The Sooners' 316 rushing-yard day (complete with five separate touchdowns on the ground) pretty much put the kibosh on the Mountaineers slim (read: never existent to begin with) playoff dreams. Following the 56-28 win, 'Homa will square off against Oklahoma State in what is essentially a proxy for the Big 12 Championship. Whether a victory there will be enough to propel either team into the four-team playoffs, however, remains to be seen.

Florida (8-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Florida State (Nov. 26)

Florida won in typical Florida fashion over the weekend, besting LSU 16-10 in a fugly ass defensive struggle. The win, by default, coronates the Gators as SEC East champs ... but is this team even remotely ready to throwdown with 'Bama in two weeks time?

Oklahoma State (9-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma (Dec. 03)

An effortless 31-6 win over the corpse of what was the TCU football program puts the Cowboys in a horse race with the Sooners for control of the Big 12. And hey, what do you know, these two motherfuckers are going to clash in two weeks time for the rights to hoist the conference's (technically non-existent) championship. The bigger question, however? Whether or not enough freaky stuff will happen this week to put the winner of the Okie Bowl in a potential playoff predicament.

Colorado (9-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Utah (Nov. 26)

After knocking off Washington State 38-24, the Buffaloes find themselves one more win away from a trip to the PAC-12 Championship Game. Alas, that road to glory ain't exactly going to be an easy one to hoe - Colorado's final regular season skirmish is against a tough Utah team, no doubt seeking retribution for a two-point loss to non-contender Oregon last weekend.

Penn State (9-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Michigan State (Nov. 26)

With a 39-0 throttling (dare I call it "a molesting?") of Rutgers, Penn State claims their seventh consecutive victory of the 2016 regular season. While they're going to have to stand on the sidelines for the Big 10 Championship, the team does find themselves in a pretty good situation as far as bowl games are concerned. Indeed, I wouldn't be surprised one iota to see the Nittany Lions playing in primetime come New Year's Day.

Wisconsin (9-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Minnesota (Nov. 26)

After pummeling Purdue 49-20, the Badgers need two things to happen to get them in the Big 10 Championship Game. First - obviously - they've got to bump off Minnesota. That part shouldn't be too difficult. Secondly - and this is where things get iffy - Nebraska HAS to also lose to Iowa. And with that in mind, the biggest Hawkeyes supporters this weekend might not even be in Iowa City!

Nebraska (9-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Iowa (Nov. 25)

With a 28-7 win over Maryland, the Cornhuskers pretty much control their own destiny. A win over the Hawkeyes this weekend - no small task, mind you - gives them a pretty good shot of appearing in the Big 10 Championship Game, where either Michigan or Ohio State awaits. And if Nebraska manages to score the upset there, will the selection committee slide them into the four-team playoffs? Looks like we will just have to wait and see, folks.

Houston (9-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Memphis (Nov. 25)

The Cougars pulled off quite possibly the biggest upset all year when they not only beat Louisville, but positively rekt their asses 36-10. While the team remains a loooooong-shot for the playoffs (and when I say "looooooong-shot," I mean "they have no fucking chance whatsoever") they should still be in contention for the AAC crown. Of course, that also means the team is one week closer to Tom Herman bolting for Texas, so ... uh, it's a bittersweet symphony called life, ain't it?

Louisville (9-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Kentucky (Nov. 26)

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse after allegations the team stole Wake Forest's plays, the Cardinals - in one of the biggest shockers of the NCAA football season - got their asses annihilated last Thursday by Houston, 36-10. The unexpected loss all but eliminates Louisville from the National Championship hunt - although, it's probably not enough to keep Lamar Jackson from winning the Heisman.

West Virginia (8-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Iowa State (Nov. 26)

Yeah, that 56-28 loss to Oklahoma pretty much eliminates WVU from playoffs contention. Still, with a solid enough win against Iowa State, there's an outside chance the Mountaineers might find themselves in a bowl game people actually give a shit about watching. Well ... maybe.

Navy (8-2)

Next Opponent: vs. SMU (Nov. 26)

Will Worth galloped for 159 yards and four touchdowns in the Midshipmen's 66-31 win over East Carolina. With what should be an easy win over Southern Methodist, Navy wraps up their regular season with an intra-military skirmish against Army; a win there would send them to the AAC Championship Game, where they would most likely face either South Florida or Temple.

San Diego State (8-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Colorado State (Nov. 26)

The Aztecs dropped a heartbreaker to Wyoming Saturday, falling 34-33 to the Cowboys. Running back Donnel Pumphrey, however, remains a long-shot Heisman candidate - at the week 12 mark, he has accumulated more 1,800 rushing yards and 14 touchdowns.

Troy (8-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Texas State (Nov. 26)

The Trojans suffered a huge setback over the weekend, as they were absolutely creamed by Arkansas State 35-3. The Red Wolves controlled the run game on both sides of the ball, pounding the rock for 208 yards and three scores, while limiting Troy to just 56 yards and no trips to the end zone.

Toledo (9-2)

Next Opponent: vs. Western Michigan (Nov. 25)

In a super foggy affair, the Rockets nonetheless managed to best Ball State 37-19. Quarterback Logan Woodside - easily the most porno-rific name in history, by the way - launched three touchdown passes in the outing, finishing the contest 25 for 39 for 325 yards.

South Florida (9-2)

Next Opponent: vs. UCF (Nov. 26)

After whopping Southern Methodist 35-27, alls the Bulls gots to do is beat UCF - yes, the "university" immortalized in Miami Connection - this weekend and they are a lock for the AAC Championship Game. They best get their rest, though, since their presumptive opponent two weeks from now will be either Houston or Navy.

USC (8-3)

Next Opponent: vs. Notre Dame (Nov. 26)

Believe it or not, the Trojans actually have a shot at participating in the PAC-12 Championship Game this year. Well, as long as they can get past the Fighting Irish this weekend. And Colorado loses to Utah. Which can totally happen, ya'll. For real.

Stanford (8-3)

Next Opponent: vs. Rice (Nov. 26)

The singular Cardinal are way out of the playoff race, but they're at least attempting to close out the regular season on a high note. In the team's 45-31 win over Cal, star halfback Christian McCaffrey rushed for 284 yards and three touchdowns on 31 carries; if they close strong against Rice this weekend, these kids might just find themselves playing in a big(ger) bowl game come New Year's Day.

Auburn (8-3)

Next Opponent: vs. Alabama (Nov. 26)

After losing a game to Georgia they had no excuse whatsoever to lose, Auburn got proxy revenge in the form of a 55-0 ass walloping of Alabama A&M on Saturday. Of course, all eyes are on the Iron Bowl, where the Tigers have a shot at derailing Alabama's perfect season and really fucking up the already convoluted playoffs picture this weekend. And before you smarmy little shits right this one off as a no-contest, I've got three words for you: Chris motherfucking Davis.

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